If There Were a Lesbian Version of “The Bachelorette”

Which of these 16 women will “finger Cara’s heart”?

Wow. After last night’s premiere of “Lesbian Bachelorette,”* I only have 1,243 words.

Though I’m sure you read on practically every LGBTQ news outlet, after nearly 15 years of being on-air, popular franchise “The Bachelor” has finally decided to ditch the chains of heteronormativity. They’re giving us a lesbian Bachelorette! Casting directors reached far and wide to bring together 16 lady-loving hopefuls for the most dramatic season yet!

The Bachelorette this season is Denver-grown 27-year-old volunteer firefighter, Cara Wood. Retiring from the pastoral poetry game at the age of 23, Cara has been riding the wave of residual success from her popular eBook “The Tree In My Grandma’s Backyard”—a touching and brilliant reflection on the similarities between her budding sexuality and the willow tree in her late grandmother’s backyard. Cara currently resides in a log cabin right outside of Aspen, Colo. but she admits it gets a little lonely sometimes. As she said in her 35-minute introductory video: “I’m just looking for a lady I can build a fire with. And we can put that fire, in our home, in a fireplace, inside that same home.” Her adorable demeanor makes her the perfect fit as this season’s suitor. (An insider told us that: “[She] isn’t particularly “threatening” to the straight male audience that will be watching with their progressive girlfriends.”) Well, buckle up America, because you’re gonna fall in love with Cara…ica!

Clits Harrison, popular Miami-area drag queen, will serve as this season’s host. And honey, was her sequined dress ever-so-festive for the season premiere! And I can’t not mention the Bachelorette house this season. Per Cara’s request, producers reached out to popular whimsical school supply designer, Lisa Frank, to interior decorate the mansion. And I must say, the Neon Cheetah Print Puppies Eating Rainbow Popcorn painting was breathtaking. I could hardly focus on the rose ceremony with that masterpiece in my eye line!

After a 20-minute tour of the house, it’s finally time to meet the ladies!

As Clits says… “Which of these 16 women will finger Cara’s heart?”

First out of the limo is Liz, a 26-year-old magician from Michigan. Almost immediately sparks fly between Cara and this beautiful, bisexual illusionist. I’m not one to shed a tear but her backstory about how her beloved father, a magic enthusiast, passed away during a less publicized Siegfried and Roy tiger stunt, was absolutely moving.

A Converse sneaker hits the pavement as we see contestant #2 walk out of the limo. It’s Emily E., aspiring stand-up comedian. Going against the grain of the usual formal dress attire, Emily E. sports a hoodie, jeans and a microphone stand that she drags across the ground as part of her “bit” as she called it. Cara politely laughs as Emily E. performs a five-minute set in their introduction. But you got to give it to the editor of this episode for adding in those hilarious cricket sound effects. Classic!

The next three women out of the limo were a little forgettable: Alex, a 24-year-old business owner of an Etsy shop made entirely of custom-made dreamcatchers, Emily F., the 22-year-old recently-out virgin from Alabama that has “Baby Lez” written all over her snapback, and Sam, the 30-year-old whose job description read “Professional Tweeter.”

But we got woken up from a nap when Dani stepped out of the limo. Cara immediately recognized her as the memorable celesbian contestant on MTV’s short-lived show “A Shot at Love With Tila Tequila.” Dani comes out in a full firefighter uniform and makes a charming remark about how both her and Cara are trained to put out fires. However, the romance comes to a minor halt when Cara and Dani have a very concerned conversation about how Tila might be a neo-Nazi now.

It wouldn’t be The Bachelor if it weren’t for some awkward, collar-pulling intros. Like when 35-year-old small business owner Emily P. drives an actual U-Haul into the shot and makes a cliche joke about how after their first date they can move in together. Woof, someone was part of a branding deal!

Then right after when not one, but two contestants get out of the limo together. Yes, that’s right, YouTube-famed lesbian couple Stefanie & Alana (you can check out their videos on the channel Stelana4Life) have entered the competition together. Cara seems amused; however, the other women in the house give some major side-eye to this wrench thrown into the works. But not to be upstaged by Emily Z., the personal trainer who just got out of an engagement with her longtime boyfriend. When she cried while hugging Cara, I think I speak for all of us when I say “Awkward!”

We’re immediately back in high spirits when 52-year-old bar owner Lorraine from Pensacola, Florida, introduces herself to Cara. Though there’s a clear age difference, Lorraine’s one-liners make her an instant fan favorite: “Imma need another insulin shot because Cara’s sweet as sugar! Also, I forgot to take my insulin shot!”

The next introduction is a little, well, odd. A pair of gorgeous legs step out of the limo, but when the camera pans up to her face, it’s hiding behind a copy of “The Bell Jar.” In the introduction video, Jamie, a photographer from Unknown Location sits with her back to the camera explaining that she’s not out to her strict family but she still really wanted to go on to the show. In the entirety of the first episode, we don’t see Jamie’s face as she continually dodges behind other contestant’s bodies. Despite the weirdness, Cara seems intrigued with mysterious Jamie.

The producers of this season were really on their game when they cast two ex-girlfriends: Janessa, a 28-year-old retired Chicago Bulls Lovable dancer, and Bri, the 30-year-old whose profession just read “People Person.” Tension ran high as the two exchanged some volatile glances while sipping on champagne.

To even out the villain vibes we got from Bri, Cara was revitalized by the fun-loving energy of Puck (age unknown) the queer DJ whose tagline for the first episode was “I am here to make friends!” It seemed like a platonic friendship budding between Cara and Puck but on this show, who knows.

The final contestant to walk out of the limo was a familiar face: Michelle Rodriguez. Yeah, the actual Michelle Rodriguez. In her very honest intro to our bachelorette, she solemnly stumbles through an explanation about how “My publicist told me I need to get my gay audience back and that this well help.” Cara remarks that she loved her in “The Fast and the Furious” and the two stand in silence for 13 minutes.

Because most of the episode was comprised of Lorraine trying to find her insulin pump and promotional clips from “The Fate of the Furious,” it seemed sudden when Clits Harrison announced that it was already time for the rose ceremony.

Not surprisingly, the first impression rose went to Liz. One-by-one roses were given away, but Cara eventually let go of two contestants: Emily P., the “U-Hauler” and “Shot at Love” veteran, Dani. Emily P. cried up a storm while Dani let out a huge sigh of relief.

If the previews for next week’s episode are any indication, I’d say this season of “Lesbian Bachelorette” is going to be a nail-biter.

*This is a totally fictional parody of “The Bachelorette.” Stay tuned for weekly recaps.