How To Survive The Tortuous Hangover You’re Definitely Going To Have At Work Tomorrow

Oh, you’ll THANK ME for this ONE tomorrow, babe.

Photo by istock

If you’re a gay girl, a queer girl, a lez, a bi-girl, a bi-curious girl, however, you choose to identify babe, it’s not really my concern or my business—so long as you’re anywhere on the “spectrum” per se, you’re going to be hungover tomorrow.

Unless, of course, you don’t drink. And if you don’t drink, then well you’re far more sensible then the rest of us and should immediately click out of this hedonistic article.

But for the rest of us, who do drink beverages of the alcoholic nature, let me assure you that tomorrow you’re going to be hungover as f*ck, even if you think you’re prim hot sh*t and there is NO WAY you will be. After all, tomorrow is a Wednesday. Only people with “drinking problems” get hungover on Wednesdays (If you don’t know I’m kidding, I’m worried for you).

Well drinking problems aside, tomorrow is the day after Halloween.

And Halloween is practically the official gay Christmas. We gays become wildly, wildly hedonistic on Halloween night, honey buns. I don’t know what exactly Halloween triggers deep inside of us, but it’s primal. It’s animal. It’s bigger and stronger than the goodwill of both you and I combined.

You might think you’re going out for a few innocent cocktails, you know to be, like, “festive” or whatever.

“Oh honey I don’t know what you’re worried about. I’m just going over to DUPLEX or CUBBY or HENS for a sweet, quick few, then I’m going home. After all, I have work in the morning. Who do you think I am? Some kind of hedonist?”

Well yes, I do think you’re a hedonist, babe. Why the hell would you choose to live in the sinful city of New York if you weren’t a total party monster that gets her rocks off by sinning?

Surreptitiously, you and I both know what’s really going to happen tonight: You’ll throw on a pair of cat ears or fairy wings or even just carry around a pumpkin like my friend Stacy Lentz did at the Ellis party last night, and head out on the town. You’ll toss back a few Halloween shots just to be a good sport.

Then you’ll see some hot dyke at the other end of the bar dressed like Lara Croft or something else equally as sexy and lesbionic and you’ll feel compelled to stay out for just one more. And we all know what happens when you stay out for just one more. 

You get bombed. Trashed. Wasted. Unable to utilize your frontal lobe! Oh, you’ll make reckless decisions. You’ll wake up tomorrow morning at 5am feeling like cotton balls have been stuffed into your frail little skull. You won’t know how the hell you’re going to survive a day in the office. You’re got even sure if you can gag back a cup of coffee.

But you can’t like, call in sick. Because that makes all gays look bad. It just reaffirms everything everyone secretly thinks about us: That we’re sinners, with no self-control when it comes to partying (which may or may not be true, but we can’t let the straight suits know the dark truth, can we now?).

So you’re just going to have to accept the fact that you’ll endure day spent in the fiery pits of hell, right. Or do you?

Maybe not, sister.

Because lucky for you little queers I, Zara Barrie, the self-proclaimed lesbian big sister of the entire internet at large, is going to help you, overcome your hangover from (Halloween) hell. I’ve suffered many a hangover in the place of “le employment” in my BLANK amount of years on planet Lesbian (I’m not saying my age anymore, which really is just code for I’M OLD, BITCH).

Shit, I’ve gone to work still drunk from the night before, more times than I can count! Has anyone ever known? Have I ever been whispered about by my colleagues? Has anyone ever suspected I drink too much?

Nope. Because I come from a long line of heavy drinkers who taught me the ropes. And I’m going to teach you a thing or two as well. (Not that I condone binge-drinking, it’s bad for your skin and your relationship, but that’s neither here nor there).

You might roll your eyes now, but you’ll thank me tomorrow when you feel like the Sahara Desert has taken residence in your mouth.

Zara’s official guide to surviving a hangover at work:

1. Drink hot, boiling water, mixed with turmeric the moment you wake up.

I’m a firm believer that there really isn’t anything a bit of turmeric can’t cure. It’s a powerful, natural anti-inflammatory (and let’s face it, you’re puffy AF right now from all that salty booze), it helps relieve nausea and it detoxifies even the most pickled of livers. Some of the wildest cats I know who work in the nightlife world, swear that hot water and turmeric is the reason they haven’t aged. And these assholes have lived. They’ve lived hard. They deserve to have wrinkles, and puffy faces and baggy eyes…. yet they don’t. Why? Turmeric, baby.

2. Get a B12 injection, if you can.

If you’re in New York City you need to call REVIVE spa right now and book a vitamin B12 shot. Go on your lunch break. It’s only $25 and not only it will it cure your hangover, it will make you feel as bright-eyed and bushy-tailed as a MeerKat in the wild.

If you don’t live in New York just google “B12 shots in my city” and you’ll find a place. If not, well, then you’re f*cked. Sorry.

3. Wear an oversized sweater, not a sweatshirt.

Don’t wear a sweatshirt. I know it’s tempting to want to cozy up in that old dyke-y softball team sweatshirt, but rocking a sweatshirt to the office is a dead giveaway. It’s like wearing a sign that says “I TOOK SHOTS LAST NIGHT AND FEEL LIKE DEATH!”

However, you do want to feel cozy and comfortable, more for your emotional well-being, since alcohol is a depressant and you’re probably feeling very sad right now, than for classic comfort. Which is why I say, go for the oversized sweater. It has the same effect of feeling like you’re being HELD by an army of sweet teddy bears that sweatshirts provide, only it’s… chic.

4. No Redbull unless you want to have a panic attack.

Energy drinks might seem like a good idea because you’re so fatigued your eyes are rolling into the back of your head, but this one will backfire fast.

What comes up must come down.

You’ll feel hyper for ten minutes only to spend the rest of the day dehydrated, constipated (yes, constipated), anxious and feeling legitimately like a crazy person who forgot to take her anti-psychotics.

5. Stay off social media, it will derail you.

Your attention-span is off the wall when you’re hungover and you’re twice as likely to fall into a dark, massive, social media k-hole. You’ll be stalking ex’s exes, stalking the girl who bullied you in high school who is now a CEO of some god-awful weight-loss pill company and look. It’s just going to get really DARK, okay? Trust your lesbian big sis on this one.

Stay off the social media you’re too fragile for social media. It’s bad enough that you’re hungover at work, you don’t want to be weeping at work too.

6. Juice the pain away.

Now is not the time to be “frugal.” You weren’t “frugal” when you made all those drunken trips to the ATM machine right across the street from Cubby last night, so why should you stop now? Go ahead and seamless yourself at least $30 in fancy, organic, juices from Juice Press.

7. Hydralite.

Dr. Drew supports and endorses “hydralite” rehydration tablets, and you should too. They are as powerful as IVs. Only no hospital visit is needed (though a trip to the mental hospital might not be such a bad idea right now.)

8. Vitamin C packets.

I know they’re old school, but those cheap little Emergen-C sachets really help to cure a hangover. I recommend double dosing and mixing them with CORE water as well. My friend Michelle told me that drinking “one CORE water, is like drinking FOUR regular waters” and I would be a fool not to believe her. She owns an apartment on the Upper East Side of Manhattan so clearly, she’s doing something right.

9. Remember: Your life isn’t falling apart, you’re just hungover.

The terrible anxiety, the unshakeable feelings of pending doom, the irrepressible sense of dread, and the deep-rooted depression you’re experiencing right now, it isn’t real. Nothing bad has happened. You’re not a loser who is going nowhere with her life. You’re not a mess. Your life isn’t falling apart! You’re just hungover.

Remember that before you crawl into a hole and die, please.

10. Start a support chat group with the ladies you went out with last night. 

Round up all the other hungover creatures you sinned with this Halloween night. Get them all on a group text. Now bitch about how hungover you all are and you’ll all feel a LOT less alone in this cruel, cold world.

Hangovers, after all, love company. Happy Halloween, queers, lesbians, bi-girls, bi-curious girls, gays, tops, bottoms, allies, mermaids and more!