I see you, all of you adorable baby dykes feverishly packing up your board shorts and string bikinis in anticipation for your first ever, Dinah Shore weekend. I know that you’re so goddamn excited you are practically bursting at the seams of your Dickies just thinking about it! I get it. My heart skips a beat whenever I imagine being submerged in the Sapphic girl heaven that is The legendary Dinah.
Palm trees, hedonistic desert energy, lesbians from all over the world, bodies gleaming in the California sunshine, epic parties, and thousands of available women to potentially hook up with? It’s almost too much sexiness to fathom.
So many girls, such little time. So many parties, only so many nights to engage in steamy hookups.
But before you get your Calvin Klein boxer-briefs in a twist, I want you to take a deep breath. For I am going to give you some much-needed lesbian big sister advice. Advice that I wish a seasoned dyke would’ve bestowed on me, during my first Dinah.
Here is the official list of Dinah do’s and don’ts when it comes to the art of hooking up in Palm Springs. Because I want you to have the most incredible, mind-blowing Dinah of your life! And you can. You will. So long as you follow this very specific Dinah etiquette — an etiquette that’s been in place since lesbians first descended on the Isle of Lesbos.
Do boldly saunter up to a girl you don’t know with swag and style.
First things first. Now is not the time to play shy, honey. You’ll only ever get to experience the Dinah 2019 once! And let’s get real: Who knows what the future will look like? At this rate in our country, next year could look a lot like the Handmaid’s Tale, so you’ve really got to make the most out of all the wonderfully salacious gay moments you get to experience.
Plus, nothing is sexier than a woman with confidence. So get out of the shadows, light up a proverbial cigarette, and walk over to the girl you find to be the sexiest (who always radiates with positive energy because that’s important, too). She’s not going to be an asshole to you for talking to her. The whole point of The Dinah is to meet fabulous lesbians from all around the world. So don’t be shy. Take a shot (just one, otherwise you’ll be slurring and slurring is a definite turn-off), channel your inner Angelina Jolie, and saunter over to the girl of your dreams with style and swag.
Don’t hook up with a girl who has a girlfriend.
Ok let me paint a picture for you: You meet a sexy girl with sparkly blue eyes at the pool party. She’s extremely flirtatious and touchy-feely and gives you major “I want to have sex with you” vibrations. She bats her lashes and purses her pouty lips and asks you if you’re going to the white party later tonight. You give her an enthusiastic “YAS” and she kisses you on the cheek and disappears into the palm-tree adorned distance. You’ve been rendered smitten.
Later that night you see her sparkly blue eyes glimmering on the dark dance floor. You tap your friend on the shoulder and say, “That’s the hot girl I met at the pool party! I’m super into her!” Your friend rolls her eyes. “She has a girlfriend. She’s a flirt but she has a girlfriend.” You knock back your tequila soda and say “Who cares? That’s not my problem.” You usually stay away from girls with girlfriends but you’re intoxicated by electric Dinah energy (as well as all the drinks).
Cut to 2AM and you’re making out the sparkly blue eyed babe with the girlfriend outside of the party venue. Just when things are getting hot and heavy, you hear the bellowing cry of angry lesbian.
“What the hell are you doing?” screams the angry lesbian. “That’s my girlfriend!”
“She came on to me!” you squeal weakly.
“That’s a lie!” the blue-eyed girl shouts, pouting those voluptuous lips of hers.
And then you realize, you’re screwed. You’re now in the front and center of lesbian drama. You spend the rest of the weekend a disgraced dyke hiding in your hotel room, trying to avoid the angry lesbian whose girlfriend you made out with. In front of her no less.
As your lesbian big sister, I want better for you. If you hear she has a girlfriend, she likely has a girlfriend. And the only thing that can truly taint the wonderful Dinah experience (except a nasty sunburn across your chest) is getting caught up in lesbian relationship drama.
Do remember you don’t own anyone.
Look, I’ve been a dyke for over a decade. And if there is one thing I’ve learned in my ten-year tenure in dyker-heights it’s this: Lesbian hook-ups can be super-passionate. Sex can feel like love. Women produce oxytocin (the love hormone) after we orgasm and that can trick us into thinking we’re deeply connected with a person post-coitus. Which means your heart could shatter into a million little pieces if she wants to hookup with someone else the next night.
Don’t let yourself go there. Just because you had mind-blowing sex doesn’t mean you own her.
The only thing you own is yourself. Which is hot. So pick your bad self up, strut out the pool and find someone else to make out with. When else will you be in a sexy sea of lesbians? Not until Dinah 2020. And that’s over a year away.
Don’t expect anything from straight girls with boyfriends back home.
Here’s the tea only a seasoned lesbian will spill for you: There will be a handful of straight girl hanger-ons at the Dinah. They will likely be very hot. The straight girl best friend of the sweet-faced dyke is usually sexy. And wildly flirtatious. You know, used to being the coy wing-woman of their nervous, trembling lez friend since high school and ready to relish in the gay girl attention. This is all OK (god bless our straight girlfriends who pulled us out of our awkward shells, right?).
These girls might even be down for a poolside, performative makeout, too. But don’t expect her to get all crazy and switch teams for you. If she walks like a straight girl, talks like a straight girl, and most importantly tells you she’s a straight girl — guess what? She’s a straight girl. And it’s just plain creepy for you to get clingy with her or initiate a proper hotel-room hookup. If she says she’s straight, let her come to you (purr). Or even better, find a queer/lez girl to hookup with. After all, you’re at The Dinah, babe. If you can’t find a lez to get down and dirty with at the Dinah and you still manage to go after ~the one~ straight girl in a party of thousands of gay girls — you’ve got issues, babe. Issues we aren’t going to delve into today.
Do be extra AF the whole weekend.
Really indulge in the epic energy of the Dinah. It’s iconic and it only happens once a year. Now is not the time to act moderate and lowkey. You’ll only be this young for a short period of time, so really tap into your inner-extraness. That’s what your youth is for: Being extra.
So, dance your ass off, even if you have terrible rythmn (like yours truly). No one cares if you can’t dance! The Dinah is many things, but judgmental is not one of them. Participate in all the fun pool party antics. Don’t be afraid to jump into the pool and act like a loon. Don’t waste your time being self-conscious about your body, tap into the heat of the precious moment instead! Wear that one outfit that you’ve been too much of a nervous dip-shit to wear to your local lesbian bar. You’re in the desert, darling. There is very hedonistic energy in Palm Springs. It’s not like the tri-state area. It’s a whole other world. Find the freedom in that and let your freak flag fly.
How does this pertain to hooking up, you ask? It means don’t try and act cool because you want to get down and dirty with the cool, detached, hot girl. Choose fun, before sex. Because anyone who is going to quietly smoke cigarettes and roll their eyes as you dance like a f*cking maniac, will be shitty in bed anyway. I used to always hook up with the aloof bitch. It was never good sex. I would’ve much rather danced with my friends, honestly. I wish I could’ve told my younger self that. So I’m telling you.