My roommate has a saying: “There’s nothing a little Sex and The City and Saltine crackers can’t fix.” I think I should give up my writing career because truer or more poetic words will never be spoken. We all know and love Sex and The City as the iconic cultural relic that it is– but we need to start talking about how ~queer~ it is. That’s where I come in.
I initially discovered Sex and The City because while watching the channel guide– I excitedly thought that it was porn. My perverted 10-year old ass flipped to HBO, only to be instantly memorized by the OUTFITS. Then older me fell in love with the plot line and characters. Hell, Carrie Bradshaw basically inspired my entire life– to be a sex and dating writer with thousands of dollars worth of footwear. #goals
Allow me, Carrie Lezshaw, to walk you through the varying degrees of homosexuality in Sex and The City.
10. Charlotte York, asks “So which one is the man?”
Is straight as they come. Tragically straight. Gets drunk and gets overly curious about how lesbians have sex. But you lowkey feel bad for her because you’re pretty sure she’s never had an orgasm. Then she starts to go on her lesbian have it so much easier maybe I should become one rant. It doesn’t work out for her though. Remember when she tried to join that weird lesbian squad because she felt “connected to the female spirit?” And then that Asian power lesbian said: “Sweetheart, that’s all very nice, but if you’re not going to eat pussy, you’re not a dyke.”
9. Carrie Bradshaw, made out with a girl in college to get her ex-boyfriend’s attention
Carrie says she isn’t even sure bisexuality exists so obviously she loses major gay points for that nonsense. Also, remember the episode where she didn’t want to kiss ALANIS MORISSETTE? I think every lesbian collectively let out a “BOOOO” at the TV during that scene. And then Carrie says Alanis tasted like chicken? Rude. But she would definitely get down with a little sapphic action to get the attention of a ~boy.~ Of a boy that continually hurts her and she keeps crawling back to. Seriously why did you marry Big? Oh, because he’s a sexy AF power lez, that’s why. I’d make out with anyone to get Bette’s– I mean Big’s attention too.
8. Mr. Big, Bette Porter
The power lez in Gucci loafers and a perfectly tailored suit. Her beeper is always full of messages. She orders flat water instead of tap water at restaurants. She donates to the Democratic candidates in NYC. Big’s whole make-up-and-break-up-for-the-rest-of-our-lives thing with Carrie is also pretty lesbian if you ask me. And flying to Paris to proclaim his love for her, even though she was with that weird French light installation artist? LESBIAN!
7. Samantha Jones, try-sexual
Refuses to define her sexuality. Would totes be at all the Ellis parties. Remember her brief but real AF relationship with that lesbian painter? Obvious queer points for that. The only reason she isn’t higher on the list is because she said strap-on sex “doesn’t work.” And I’d like to kindly beg to differ.
6. Jack Berger, the Tender Queer
Jack Berger is definitely the lesbian “artist” that lives in Bushwick, is super performative about her political allyship, has weird taxidermy hanging in their apartment, and takes her writing way too seriously. She presents herself as really “tender” and sweet, and wins girls over at her spoken word poetry readings. But she’s a low-key player who has issues emotionally connecting. She thinks she’s being deep when she breaks up with Carrie on a post-it note “I’m sorry/ I can’t/ Don’t hate me.” Her Tinder bio definitely says “ethically non-monogamous. vegans only.”
5. Trey Macdougal, the high-maintenance, bougie AF femme
Tre is the super wealthy lesbian that think she’s too good to go to NYC gay bars. She only goes to cocktail lounges and Zagat reviewed restaurants. She doesn’t like the word lesbian but only sleeps with women. Rich women.
4. Steve Brady, the super sweet but super clingy chapstick
Steve is such a f*cking lesbian I can’t handle it. No straight person loves with that kind of intensity. Remember when he wanted Miranda’s number after a one-night stand, then showed up at her apartment the day after to ask her out? Basically how me and my ex-girlfriend met. Then when he and Miranda meet on the bridge after their long break after he cheated and cried about it? Gay. Gay. Gay.
3. Miranda Hobbes, power dyke
Do I really even need to explain this one?
2. Jerry Jerrod, the heartbreaker soft butch
Works at a vegan restaurant. Wants to be an actor. He even LOOKS like a lesbian.
1. Aidan Shaw, the u-hauler
Aidan is so annoying and clingy. He’s definitely the lesbian that initially wins your heart because of how genuine she is, but then starts asking what your kids’ names would be on a second date. If you don’t answer her text within 5 minutes, she’ll start to get “worried.”
* last minute addendum: Charlotte is getting bumped up to #1 because of how attracted I am to her in a suit, and how comfortable she was in drag. I’m sorry I called you tragically straight, Charlotte.