Talking about queer sex is so important. While no one is really given comprehensive sex education in the current US school system—LGBTQ kids are really at the wayside even more so. What we are taught in sex ed is usually in the heteronormative realm of “don’t get pregnant,” or “Wait until you’re married [a straight marriage, of course].”
This often leaves queer and trans youth with so many questions. It leaves them wondering what does the sex they desire even look and feel like? Is it real? Can you get STIs from non-cis and straight sex?
Most young people turn to porn when they don’t get sex education elsewhere, which usually isn’t a real representation of what sex is like for most of us. The free lesbian porn on the internet has been primarily created for the male gaze (the damaging idea that all media is created for the “gaze” of straight men). While there are feminist and queer porn sites that have amazing content (ahem—The Crash Pad Series) they are far more difficult to find with a quick, nervous search from a teen. And even more, they cost money—which most teens don’t have access to, digitally.
All of this is to say that queer and trans youth are left figuring out sex on their own, with little to no resources out there specifically with them in mind. The way queer people is different than straight people. It just is (in all the best ways). But we need to talk about it so that young LGBTQ people don’t feel alone in navigating the confusing and sometimes messy world of sexual intimacy—especially your first time!
To start the conversation, GO asked 15 LGBTQ+ women to tell the story of their very first time having sex with another woman. And the result is a BEAUTIFUL THING! It shows how different and personal it is for everyone. Some women had a super vulnerable and intimate first time with their teenage best friend. Others jumped right in and had fun with it. And some nervously waiting until their 20s or 30s to explore sexual intimacy with another woman. All of these experiences are okay! They’re all valid and real and perfect (just like you!).
“She made the first move.”
My first time with a woman was so confusing! Outside of having no clue what to do….I was battling with myself about why I even wanted to do it. I hadn’t seen it anywhere, didn’t know anyone who had been with another woman…the feeling was just there. I was in my very early teens and was really close friends with her. We were pretty much inseparable and did everything together. I knew early on that our friendship was different because we were always pretty physical and it always felt so good and familiar. We always held hands, “accidentally” kissed on the lips and really anything that allowed us to be close to each other. It never seemed odd though because that’s what best friends do, right? Our first time together was pretty strategic because we needed to make sure her mom wasn’t home!
When the day came, I was so nervous because I was aware that the experience would mean I was admitting something to myself I had to find a way to ignore. Luckily she was a lot less inhibited than me and she made the first move. We spent a good amount of time stuck in positions and trying to figure out what felt good, where. Even in the mess of discussing movements, figuring out teeth aren’t apologetic and moving through my guilt, it was so intense! I loved experiencing that moment with someone who cared about me so deeply. Once we decided to get ourselves together and come to terms with what we had done, we laughed about it. I think we were both kind of like, well next time we’ll do better and moved right along. Pretty perfect. – Kristen McCallum
“She was so cool and I was so nervous.”
I am a 27-year old cis woman and I had my first queer sex experience in high school when I was about 15. She was so cool and I was so nervous. We were alone in my assistant principal’s office for lunch and I went down on her for the first time. It was so different and new. And I felt clueless but I enjoyed seeing her satisfaction so much that I went until she couldn’t take anymore! I remember thinking it was a new taste for me and unsure of where I should put my hands. It was an amazing experience and it set in stone my love of women. – Bee
“She realized I knew nothing.”
My first experience I met a young lady on a chatline, told her I’ve been out for awhile and I’ve had girlfriends for years [not entirely true]. Wanted her to think I was cool and experienced. Eventually, she realized I knew nothing 😂 – Allison Graham
“Discovering new territories!”
My first sexual experience with a girl was my first sexual experience ever. To me, it just felt fun—as if me and my girlfriend at the time were just messing around and discovering new territories. I couldn’t stop laughing or smiling for most of it. – Jess Gonzalez
“I met her at a lesbian bar!”
I had my first experience at 22 after I’d just gotten out an 8-year, heterosexual relationship (I was even engaged!) and decided to finally explore the feelings I had my entire life. All of those years I knew something was missing and had a lot of unfulfilling sex. I started to get into the LGBT scene in my city and met her at a lesbian bar one night. She was 33, experienced and I was attracted to her confidence. We danced at the bar and exchanged numbers, meeting a few days later for our first date. We did the typical first date things and I got a little drunk. We ended going back to her place. I was SO nervous, but it was something I wanted to do for a long, long time. Kissing and touching her made me feel things I had never felt in my life. She was so dominant, strong, and sure of herself in bed. She showed me everything I had been missing for years and I thought “this is what fucking is supposed to be like.” I was hooked.
I learned a lot about what I liked sexually and what I didn’t like. She helped me to discover and solidify who I really was… a lesbian. Being with her was a huge turning point in my life. For women who are nervous… Go for it! Pick someone who is willing to be patient and communicate with you. You will learn a lot! Don’t be afraid to ask for and act on your desires. People are a lot more open-minded than you think. – Francesca*
It’s in the silly, small details.
My first really good sexual experience with another woman happened my junior year of college. We were both RAs in the same building, and our professional relationship quickly became friendly, and then flirtatious even quicker. It took nearly the entire year for one of us to make a move—it’s been so long since then that I don’t even remember who finally did it, but I do remember how good it felt to be intimate with someone who was a friend first and silly small details, like the sound of her (secret) hamster running on its wheel in the middle of the night and the glow-in-the-dark stars that were stuck to her ceiling. I looked at those stars every night of the next year when I was placed in her old room after she graduated. – Haley*
Fantasy turned reality!
I’m in my thirties working and in another dead end relationship, with a man. I was working for a non-profit as a clinician and I would go into the community to meet with the children we served. On that particular day, I would encounter the woman that turned my fantasy into a reality. Her name was Nikki and she was just the right amount of everything, she was masculine without the muscle, feminine without the makeup, and a smile that warmed me from the inside out. She wore a striped t-shirt paired with ripped jeans and a brown, perfectly quaffed Mohawk. Her eyes soft and inviting and lashes that looked like they belonged on a giraffe. She greeted me with a firm handshake and I found
myself not wanting to let go.
As luck would have it, 2 years later, she came to work at my agency. We started spending time outside of work together, lunch here and there, Facetime conversations, and even notes on occasion. Then one day it happened. The stars all aligned, my kids all had playdates, and I had her all alone. I had never been with a woman but wanted to dive in head first like those people in the old Nestea commercials. We were at her house in the middle of the day, and she was sitting on the couch. She smelled of soap and Fierce cologne. I was felt like every nerve ending in my body, was standing at full attention. I announced that I had no underwear on under my leggings and proceeded to lie across her lap, bottom up. She ran her hand over the back of my legs. I had a track jacket on with a fitted, ribbed, white tank top. I unzipped my jacket and before I knew it we were both naked on the floor. I remember seeing an episode of the Brady Brunch, where Peter kissed a girl for the first time; fireworks were shown across the screen. This is exactly what I felt at that moment, and throughout our time on the floor and the couch and the rug, there was not one time that I was fantasizing of anything, I was completely present in that moment. This was what sex should be.
The glow from my first queer sexual experience lingered, until the next time we would meet. The days turned into weeks, and weeks turned into months, months turned into years and here we are. Nikki and I are now married and are living together in the suburbs. To this day, I still see fireworks, and I can confidently say there is nothing better, than the scent of a woman. – Christina
“75% getting comfortable, 25% sex.”
My first time was super relaxed. Gentle talking and laughing. More like 75% getting comfortable, 25% sex. It was comforting. – Poppy Shakoor
“This is what I’ve been missing out on because of nervousness?”
I’d like to say I’m bold when it comes to dating. The first women I ever fell in love with, I made all the first moves. I asked her on a date when she came into volunteer for the LGBTQ center I was working at the time. We went on like four dates before we even kissed because I was so in my head and nervous—I had never been with a woman before and I was falling fast. It finally happened when she invited me over to her new college apartment to watch “Gravity,” the movie where Sandra Bullock basically gets lost in space for 2-hours. It’s an insanely slow movie so there was plenty of time for making out. Which quickly turned into more. I didn’t tell her it was my first time because I didn’t want her to think I was inexperienced. Connecting with another femme, another woman on that level completely blew my mind. And it didn’t hurt that she went down on me for like 30 minutes straight. I remember thinking so this is what I’ve been missing out on because of nervousness?! – Corinne Kai
“I loved feeling her embrace, her curves, her touch.”
This year at the mature age of 36 I lost my… I guess you can call lesbian virginity. The first LGBT event I ever went to happened to be during NYC PRIDE week (go big or go home right). I went with a group of friends not really with any expectations but to dance and have a good time, however, meeting someone would have been icing on the cake. During the night we were moving around the dance floor and all of a sudden this beautiful woman stopped me and asked me to dance. I immediately asked her if she was talking to me because I was convinced she was talking to the wrong person but after a few laughs, she assured me she wasn’t. We danced and drank and I stepped on her toes the entire night. Despite the sloppy dance moves she still asked me for my number! I was in shock. This was my first time out and a beautiful, super outgoing woman was asking for MY number?!
We ended up going on a date a few weeks later. We ended up outside the restaurant on 9th Ave making out. When we were back in an Uber finally off to her place—we start to fool around in the car and all I kept thinking was I can’t believe this was finally happening. She didn’t know she was my first but I did and I was freaking out on the inside. I am finally having this experience. We undressed and I remember thinking how incredible I thought her body was. Our hands and lips and bodies were all over each other. I remember looking at her thinking I’ve never physically been this close or in this capacity to another woman before. Just that was mind-blowing. All those feelings I had as a kid growing up thinking about this very moment bubbled to the surface of my thoughts—THIS IS HAPPENING! The sex was so different than anything I had ever experienced before. I loved the feeling of her embrace, her curves, her touch, the way she felt, the way her body looked against mine. I figured I waited 20 years for this so I made the most of my time with her. It was pretty much a sexual whirlwind. A few hours later I did my Uber ride of shame home and relished in that night. – Aya*
“All my senses were intensified.”
As a teenager, I was very curious about sex. Naturally, the best way a curious teen can learn about sex is, you know, “masturbation.” It’s one thing to be curious about sex, it’s another to be confused about who, in other words, which gender you are supposed to have sex with.
My first sexual encounter with a woman was a revelation. There she was standing beside me and each action I took was calculated, yet spontaneous. All my senses were intensified. In her eyes, I could see a burning desire to be kissed. Her body, gently trembling to the feel of my fingertips running down her offering neck. I feared that I would ruin it all. I kissed her. Then, I carried her to the bed. One word can accurately describe my first sexual experience with a woman: UNFORGETTABLE. – Sulki Moise
There were limbs everywhere!
I think I’ve blocked a lot of the small details from memory because it was so awkward. We both didn’t really know what we were doing, but I guess that was the fun of it. Lots of limbs everywhere and fumbling around. But you’ve got to start somewhere—right? – Karla
“Moving past kissing was extremely confusing.”
Like a lot of girls I know, being in high school can be really confusing, and as a senior, I started to really try to learn more about myself. I thought I was gay but I had never done anything with anybody. I knew of this girl who lived in the same town as me but we never met and we started the talking through Instagram. The first time we hung out, we drove around, talked about life and as I was about to leave she grabbed my hand and pulled me in close. She smiled, kissed me, and I had never felt anything like that before. I think it will always be the best kiss I ever had (until I meet my wife of course), because that was when I finally took a step out of my comfort zone to figure out this really big question in my life. After that, we moved forward and I knew this was something that I really wanted to do. Moving past kissing was extremely confusing, but I really trusted this girl and luckily she had enough experience to show me the way. It felt right, that’s what I’ve always felt ever since my first kiss with a girl. To anyone who may be scared of what their first time could be like, know that you are not alone because we have all been there. – Dani Max
“I dove right in…”
When I was 13 years old, I realized I was bisexual. I knew I liked girls a lot and I was scared to ever do anything more than kiss a guy. The idea of what they had down there terrified me. But the idea of being with a girl didn’t scare me, I was more intrigued. To be honest, I don’t remember all the details but I remember feeling like what we were doing was just right. I dove in and did things I had never done before without questioning it. I wasn’t scared. I remember her being so soft and gentle. She would kiss and lick a part of my body and then lightly blow on it before giving me a smirk. I was amazed at how comfortable she was because it was her first time with a girl as well. To this day, I love discovering how different every woman is. It’s a whole new ball game every time and I love the adventure. – Pascale
“The sex was mostly focused on me.”
The summer my current boyfriend Jay and I started hooking up he introduced me to a hometown friend, S, who is a gay woman. He thought that S and I would “get along well.” It wasn’t until we were in the middle of a viewing of “Silence of the Lambs” with S that I realized he had been hoping for a threesome but was too shy to ask outright. I was torn between wanting to experience sex with another woman since my ex-girlfriend and I had never reached that stage and desperately wanting to please Jay and be the elusive “cool girl.”
I decided to take the lead and asked S if she would like to join us. During sex, the focus was mostly on me, which helped put me at ease. Jay chose to not get too involved and resolved to just being a presence on the bed, occasionally caressing or kissing me. Jay and I had only been having sex for about a month when this threesome happened so my experiences with partnered sex was still limited and awkward as I learned how my body responded to sex. I remember that S was way better at fingering and eating me out than Jay was at the time. I was pleased to have successfully made S cum—it felt that I had earned something as a queer woman to give pleasure to another women. Jay, S and I had sex together only one or two times after that.
While I don’t regret the experience at all, my boyfriend and I have since talked about the assumptions queer women, especially bisexual and pansexual women, feel to engage in group sex with a heterosexual couple. We haven’t had group sex since. – Maggie