I’m a lesbian who is beyond, beyond excited for The L Word reboot. I know that’s a ~controversial~ stance in certain LGBTQ circles. I own my gay giddiness. Judge me all you want, but let me tell you: I was a closeted, depressed, anxious, acne-ridden 14-year-old baby dyke when The L Word came shooting like a goddamn star into my dull sky.
My colorless, bleak world was suddenly rendered rainbow!
Not only did The L Word introduce me to the crazy world of lesbian sex and dating, but it also moved me with its dynamic characters. (As a classically trained actor, I will fiercely defend the acting on that show to the grave.) I didn’t know what the hell a “trope” was when I was a pimply 14-year-old—all I knew was that I wanted to have a salacious one-night stand with Shane but plunge into a bad romance with Bette. All I knew was that I fiercely identified with quirky Alice, yet knew I could easily slip into a toxic Jenny if I wasn’t careful. All I knew was that a glittery, gay world existed outside of my stifling, straight high school in soulless suburbia. And that was just enough to keep me from losing my marbles entirely.
So if you’re like me, a simple dyke who is teeming with excitement over the reboot, a medicated lez who is on too high a dose of Prozac to tear it apart, I think you should throw a party for every single episode of the season.
Here are the parties that pay respectful homage to the original Sapphic Soap that changed our lives.
1. The Official Jenny Schecter Themed Party
There are few characters more authentically lesbian on The L Word than wacky-ass Jenny. In my heart of hearts, I actually find Jenny to be the most realistic character on the whole damn show. Maybe it’s just me, but I know more crazy lesbians than I do sane ones. And Jenny embodies the nutty dyke more convincingly than any fictional character I’ve ever come across.
So we must honor the issue-laden Jenny by having at least one Jenny themed party for The L Word reboot. Even if she doesn’t come back from the dead, as the lesbian rumor mill suggests. Her spirit lives on, regardless. For she haunts us every time we date an off-her-rocker (yet extremely sexy) woman.
In order to do a Jenny party right, it’s imperative that you purchase clip-in bangs and force all the guests to wear them (I recommend the Ken Paves/Jessica Simpson collaboration brand, in the color midnight brown).
You must serve moonshine because writers have notoriously drunk moonshine since the beginning of time, and moonshine brings out the crazy in everyone. (Last time I drank moonshine, I wound up smoking hookah in a Mexican restaurant at 4 am).
At the end of the show, be sure to read aloud a dark Sylvia Plath poem and slowly strip to sad, acoustic music. Hopefully, the ~moonshine~ will have kicked in by then.
2. The Shane & Carmen Sex Themed Party
This one is super simple but as sexy as the fiery flames of hell. Ensure all guests dress as either Shane or Carmen.
If you’re going as Carmen, rock some athleisure. Look like you could be going to the gym or to the club, but it doesn’t matter because you’re hot and can wear whatever the f*ck you want.
If you’re going as Shane, wear a cotton tank with fabric so thin that your nipples protrude through. Stay away from glass, you’ll slice right through it if you’re going as Shane.
Make sure to play Carmen and Shane’s sex scenes on a loop via a giant projector for the entire night.
3. The ‘Gay Brownie’ Party
Who could ever forget that wonderful scene when Shane and Alice get completely blitzed after eating too many pot brownies and roar with uncontrollable laughter over the idea that the brownies… could… be in fact, gay. (I mean, if you haven’t gotten high with your friends and laughed your face off over the sexual orientation of food, are you even queer, babe?)
This party is easy! Simply make brownies and decorate them in gay attire! Adorn them with rainbows! Toss some glitter on them! Dress one up as a HOME DEPOT!
4. The Lesbian Oil Wrestling Party
As a gay teen, the lesbian oil wrestling scene blew my mind. I was simultaneously turned on and completely petrified at once. I have yet to meet a dyke who doesn’t have some sort of visceral reaction when I bring up that scene.
This scene is very deserving of its own part-ay. It’s actually rather easy to execute. Buy a kiddie pool. Fill it up with oil. And wrestle with your friends. If you have a lot of Italian friends like me, use olive oil. Nothing makes an Italian girl happier (and hornier) than rolling around in some fine extra-virgin olive oil, baby. (This I know from experience.)
5. The My Lover Cindy Party
Dawn Denbo is actually my favorite character to ever grace The L Word. Yes, she was a douchebag, and yes, she had a bit part. But who doesn’t know a Dawn Denbo in their local lez scene? The cocky, lithe, seasoned lesbian who struts around the club showing off her young, hot girlfriend like she’s a goddamn shetland pony?
For this particular party, you need to order plastic trophies (super cheap on Amazon) and write ‘MY LOVER CINDY’ on them in black ink. Force all your guests to tote them around all night to garner awareness of the Dawn Denbos of this world. They’re a dangerous breed of dyke, and awareness is key.
Also, feel free to rock that iconic see-through white t-shirt with the black bra that Dawn Denbo famously wore. It’s a great excuse to dress slutty. I don’t need one. But I like one.
6. The Planet Breakfast Crew Party
One of the biggest lies The L Word ever bestowed unto me was the whole Planet breakfast scene. “One day when I’m older and cool and live in LA, I’m going to meet up with a bunch of trendy lesbians for coffee before work.” I would show off to my straight friends. “Isn’t that so cool? Don’t you wish you were gay like me?”
And then I moved to LA. And I quickly learned that it takes 45-minutes and 17 traumatic lane-changing experiences to travel three miles. No one is meeting for breakfast. Not even a trust-fund lesbian without a job meets for breakfast.
Am I pissed that Ilene Chaiken cursed me with this illustrious fantasy? Hell, no. I like my TV to be a more glamorized version of reality. Isn’t that, like, the point? Plus, we can all live out our Planet morning fantasy by having a Planet breakfast party!
Be sure to serve organic coffee with soy milk. (The L Word aired before almond milk and oat milk and cashew milk.) Spike a few with organic vodka to spice things up. And then have large, dramatic platters of Los Angeles breakfast food. Oh, you know… gluten-free, dairy-free muffins. Iceberg lettuce with ONE fresh farm egg and ONE tiny sliver of avocado (the good fat). Spirulina-cayenne-turmeric-raw honey-sea salt-charcoal-bee pollen-kale-jackfruit smoothies. And maybe some paleo granola if you have enough money to buy it. (It’s like $17 for a tiny bag.)
Be sure to stage a squabble with a friend or girlfriend. There was always a little squabble at The Planet in the morning. I guess the girls needed their coffee? After all, they did drive an hour in harrowing Hollywood traffic to get there.
7. The (Emotional) Vampire Party
Remember when Alice has “the best sex” of her “life” with that really hot vampire? Do you know what I think the metaphor for that character was? Emotional vampires, babe. I mean, if you haven’t had the blood sucked out of you by an emotional vampire at one point or another… have you ever been on a date?!
Dress as the emotional vampire of your choice. If you’re going as the kind that forces you to U-Haul after the third date, dress like a truck driver. (This can be very fetish if you do it right.) If you’re going as the kind that needs to be incessantly rescued, rock torn clothing and beg everyone to help you sew it back together. And maybe patch up your broken life while they’re at it. If you’re going as the narcissistic f*ckgirl, dress like me. Just kidding. (Am I, though?)
When in doubt, dress like Jenny. No one got her fix by zapping away the energy of well-meaning dykes like our twisted darling Jenny.
8. The Nipple Confidence Party
One of the first introductions we ever had to Shane was when everyone gossiped at The Planet about how she had heaps of “nipple confidence.” This just meant that she walked around braless with hard nipples whilst giving zero fucks. Those nips gave her queer girl swag.
I’ve tried to do this, only my nipples never stay hard like Shane’s do. Unless I ice them, but if I do that I’m too turned on to function.
Which is why, for the Nipple Confidence party, you can buy your guests silicone nipples! That way, everyone can have nipple confidence for a night! Woohoo!
