Ask the Expert

Carol Sugar-Burke is an Executive Matchmaker for NY’s premier gay and lesbian matchmaking service Bespoke Matchmaking.

Dear Carol,

I am one of those women who will meet someone, get caught up in the moment, and then dive head first into the intimate part of the relationship. When I meet someone and find her extremely attractive, sometimes even after the first date we end up becoming intimate. The truth is I enjoy sex, but I am smart enough to know that fast sex does not equal real intimacy in the long term. These short, sexually driven encounters never turn into long-term relationships. When is it OK to become sexually involved? Is there an actual time frame? I really do believe in love, and I would like to find my happily ever after.



Dear Flirtatious,

The real answer to the question of jumping into bed early in a relationship is this: No matter how great the hot, steamy, insane sex may be, it is no indication of how well a long-term relationship will work. Great sex does not mean you get along with each other. It is an important part of a long-term relationship, but it doesn’t have a thing to do with everyday compatibility. The hard part is that chemistry is difficult to predict, and sex is fun and hard to resist. But the problem with sexual chemistry is that the spell wears off after a while, and then you realize you hate her dog and family, and she is an absolute slob and you really have nothing in common. Resist the temptation, get to know each other first and wait a little while at least. Anything worthwhile is worth waiting for. Don’t give up—happily ever after does exist!—just be patient and realize how great it will be when it does happen.


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