She Knew She Was Queer at 9. She Came Out at 50

While most LGBTQ+ people come out when they are young, that’s not always the case. 

A Gallup poll from 2024 found that 71% of LGBTQ+ people in the U.S. come out before they are 30. It found only 1% of LGBTQ+ women come out at 50 or older.

But one “coming out coach” is trying to make coming out later in life easier for that 1% of women, the New York Times reports.

After a career as a hospice chaplain and coming out also later in life, Anne-Marie Zanzal works with older lesbians and other older queer women in the coming out process.

She told the Times that the women she works with will feel like outliers most of the time because of how uncommon it is.

The support she offers allows women to speak about the lives they have, the ones they want, and their desires.

In one online group session Zanzal had with the group, a woman opened up about speaking with her husband about having sex with a woman, according to the Times.

“I want to be able to meet up physically with some people,” she said. “With people. With a woman. I want to know what that feels like.”

The Times profiled 50-year-old Shelly in the article, who came out after more than 20 years of marriage to a man. Shelly told the paper that she didn’t know how to come out at 50. She eventually opened up Google and searched: “Why is it so hard to come out of the closet when you’re 50?”

She found Zanzal’s website. 

Shelly paid Zanzal $400 a month for individual sessions and a 16-week group course on Zoom, she told the paper.

She told the group that she had adjustments doing things on her own. 

“There are certainly spaces I’m not ready to go into,” Shelly said. “But my biggest thing is just going into things alone.”

A recent victory in that endeavor was signing up for kayaking by herself. 

“There’s nothing out there but wildlife,” she said. “It was lovely.”

Shelly said Zanzal had helped her be okay with others’ feelings about her coming out, and to prioritize her own.

“One of the things I thought about a lot is that if I don’t come out, if I keep living the way I have been, I am just not going to have happiness,” Shelly told the paper.

One day, on a walk, she told her daughter about knowing at nine she was queer, but an experience telling a family member left her having nightmares and pushing her identity away. When her daughter started crying, Shelly thought it was because of her queerness, but her daughter said she wasn’t upset about that. She felt bad about how alone Shelly must have been. Shelly has also come out to her son and said her children’s love had been one of the most powerful forces supporting her coming out.

During the course, Shelly grew close to another woman, Zoe, who was married and a mother in her 50s. The two FaceTimed and did online crossword puzzles together, Shelly told the Times. 

Despite a lifelong fear of flying, and Zanzal’s advice to take things slowly, Shelly booked a flight to visit her in Atlanta, according to the Times.

“Gay Shelly travels,” Shelly texted a friend of hers. “She travels!!!”