Advice: Do I suck in bed?

My girlfriend doesn’t orgasm when we have sex

I’ve been dating my girlfriend for almost six months. We are still in the “in love” phase. I feel very secure in every aspect of the relationship except one: She never has an orgasm when we have sex. We’ve talked about this (duh, we’re lesbians) and she’s told me that she’s never had an orgasm. She’s also young, so I thought she just needed to relax into sex. I was accepting of this until last week when I woke up in the middle of the night and she wasn’t in bed. I quietly walked downstairs and as I got near the landing, I saw her on the couch masturbating and I watched her have an orgasm. What the hell does this mean? Is it me? Do I suck in bed?

—Concerned Casanova

Dear Concerned,

Don’t be too fast to blame yourself. As you said, she’s young, and there’s a high likelihood that this has nothing to do with you and everything to do with her. There could be several explanations, so I suggest that you pick the most plausible answer(s) from the below-referenced list of options:

  1. You suck in bed and she hasn’t known how to tell you.
  2. She’s young and insecure, and too in her own head to relax into an orgasm when she’s in the company of her girlfriend.
  3. She’s young and hasn’t learned that she needs to verbalize her likes and dislikes to her girlfriend. Rather than take a huge emotional risk, she’s told her girlfriend that she has never had an orgasm—that way there’s no pressure.

Now, since you know her and I don’t, you’re in a much better position to judge the situation. But if I had to guess, I’m thinking choices B and C seem more logical than A. After all, you’ve been with other women. Have there been any complaints?

Here’s an opportunity for you to show her how to take an emotional risk. Tell her that you saw her masturbating the other night. Let her know how turned on you were. Ask her to let you watch next time. Watch—and learn. I suspect it won’t be long before she’s doing a repeat performance of her solo act, and before too long,
you’ll be joining her.

Dr. Darcy Smith is a Licensed Clinical Social Worker. Her practice, Alternatives Counseling, specializes in LGBT issues and is located in New York City. Dr. Darcy’s clinical style is very direct, goal-oriented and pragmatic. For years, the media has been drawn to her unique personality. She has provided expert commentary for networks including E! Entertainment and has worked with television producers throughout the nation. Her blog,, provides free advice to members of the LGBT community.

Email questions to or call 212-604-0144.

*This column is not a consultation with a mental health professional and should in no way be construed as such or as a substitute for such consultation. Anyone with issues or concerns should seek the advice of her own therapist or counselor.

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