Happy almost Halloween, lesbians! This is the time of year where all things horror and gore are celebrated. The freaks come out at night. The lights dim and the scary movies go on (only so we have an excuse to cuddle with our cute Tinder date). But what about the creepy things lurking outside of the screen IRL? There are lots of very real, scary things in this world like threats against a woman’s right to choose, hate crimes, and the ghost of Jenny Schecter, but this list will focus on the lighter side of the spooky spectrum. Here are 70 lez things that are way scarier than any horror movie.
Couples looking for a third on tinder
“MY BF can join or just watch.” Your BF looks like he smells like Fritos. I am terrified.
Lesbians who still live with their ex
“We’re still in the process of consciously uncoupling but I am fully ready to date.”
Splitting the bill
Being asked if you and your partner are sisters
Politely declining an advance by a man that quickly turns into “you just haven’t had MY dick”
Getting your period at the same time as your girlfriend
Waking up from a one-night stand with bad breath, a weave hanging by a thread, & on the verge of shitting your pants
Girl, get that Uber ASAP.
The comments section of any queer think piece
The movie “Jenny’s Wedding”
Straight people really think “Same Love” is the only song we can have in movies, huh?
Jenny’s dream-sequence-flashback-trippy-montages-of-circuses in “The L Word”
Tina’s ponchos in “The L Word”
Bette’s crying face in “The L Word”
The way Shane and Tess treated Carrie when she got drunk in “The L Word: Generation Q”
Really? You bitches are rude. Carrie was a wee bit tipsy and vulnerable and sad. Stop treating her like a leper. I would’ve gotten into bed with her, put on a Lifetime movie, ordered a pizza, and let her vent.
Accidentally liking your crush’s picture from a Tegan and Sara concert in 2001
When you make eye contact with your pet while f*cking or masturbating
Trying to pronounce “Bon Iver” on a date
Admitting that “Blue Is The Warmest Color” is your favorite movie and Jenny is your favorite “L Word” character (no idea how I found someone to marry me)
Messing up the lyrics in a group scream-sing of “Closer To Fine” (not me thinking the lyrics were “the closer I am to God”…)
When the nail tech asks you why you want only your pointer and middle finger short but the rest in full claw acrylics
When you answer “for writing” knowing full well that doesn’t add up
When you mention fingernails and a queer debate breaks out in the comments section
When a sex educator pipes in the debate
Peeling off leather pants after sweating in the lesbian bar all night
Looking at your credit card transactions after a lesbian bender
When bachelorette parties take over your drag brunch
When your nose ring gets stuck in a hook up’s nose ring
Thinking you are hitting it off with a gorgeous girl then she hits you with the boyfriend card
Knew it was too good to be true.
I can taste the hangover.
All hot queer girls have IBS. And yes, it’s scary.
Hitting on the barista with a mullet and stick and poke tattoos but she’s not gay, she’s just from Brooklyn
Fumbling with a strap-on
Talking to a queer person who is in or has recently taken a gender 101 course
Saying ‘orgasm’ instead of ‘organism’ when you were called on to read in science class
Baby showers, bridal showers, or any showers that do not involve hot water and a gay playlist
Being spotted as a teen looking at the “queer lit” section of the public library
Lesbian speed dating
Looking at all of the Instagram stories you responded to when you were three martinis deep
So true, bestie.
Posting a thirst trap and getting no comments
Femmes that complain about how hard it is to be pretty
Instagram infographics explaining if squirt is pee
I still have no f*cking idea. Do you?
Any kind of unnecessary visibility day, national day, or awareness day
Every time I think it’s an easy day at work I realize it’s ‘National Queer Third Cousin’s Bowling Partner’s Dog-sitter’s Awareness Day.’
Forgetting to take off your ‘dyke’ necklace when visiting your grandma
Seeing your grandma on tinder
Meeting up with your ex for ‘closure’
Meeting up with a friend to ‘process’
Changing the cat litter
When the bikini waxer asks about your ‘boyfriend’ when your bare asshole or vagina is in her face
Having to explain your ‘recently watched’ section of Netflix to your parents as a queer teen
“It was for an art class assignment.”
Nervously gripping the remote in your hand whilst secretly watching “The L Word” as a queer teen so you are prepared to switch back to Nickolodeon in case your parents walk in
Thinking you can pull off a faux hawk
Realizing you U-Hauled too soon
Mean bouncers at lesbian bars
When your pet hates your girlfriend
Pretending Dr. Martens are comfortable
Going home for the holidays when you are closeted
Forgetting cash/your debit card at Cubbyhole
Lesbian couples obsessed with Disney World
Explaining they/them pronouns to contrarians who are obsessed with using the ‘grammar’ argument
Men who play ‘devil’s advocate’
Your aunt posting ‘all lives matter’ on Facebook
Noticing a chin hair in the bathroom mirror on a date but not having a tweezer
When the gyno asks if you are sexually active and follows it up with ‘Do you use condoms?’
Cutting the line expecting to be ‘on the list’ only to realize you aren’t
Changing in a public locker room and focusing so hard on the floor you almost fall down because you’re scared of being the ‘creepy’ lesbian
Saying d*ke as a reclamation but then all your straight friends start saying it but you don’t have the heart to be like umm don’t say that
When your crush lives in a different borough and it becomes a long distance relationship
Flushing a tampon at a hot date’s house and clogging her toilet
Getting sat at the kid’s table at family parties
Throwback photos of you from college in neon tank tops with graphics like ‘Party With Sluts’
Terrifying and ugly!