Ask Dr. Frankie: How Can I Support My Partner With Body Image Issues When I Have Them Too?

Dear Dr. Frankie,
How do I support my girlfriend with body image issues when I’m dealing with my own? My girlfriend and I have both struggled with eating and body image issues in the past. Although we’ve each made a lot of progress, those old insecurities still pop up occasionally, and we sometimes end up triggering each other without meaning to. What are some practical ways I can support her while also protecting my own mental health?

It’s great that you and your girlfriend are thinking about this — it’s so common for queer couples to be navigating overlapping mental health struggles, and the fact that you’re working on proactively managing this is a great indicator of the health of your relationship. 

The toughest time to address these issues is when one or both of you are already triggered, so talk through what you both need before anything related to body image or food comes up, when both of you are well-regulated. What words, actions or scenarios tend to be triggering for you? What is it like for you? What kind of support do you need when you’re triggered? What about your girlfriend? Knowing each other’s sensitive spots can help you both be gentle with them. 

You can also work on maintaining open communication about your state of mind; something that normally wouldn’t bother you could derail your whole day if you’re having a hard week. Try to give each other helpful context about your mental health — it can just be a quick text that says “On my way home — having a rough week with body stuff, btw, just wanted to give you a heads up I might be sensitive.”

It also sounds like an important concern is balancing your girlfriend’s desire for active support with your need to maintain some boundaries for your own mental health. In any relationship, it’s important that you and your partner both have close connections outside the relationship; you can’t be your girlfriend’s only source of support and co-regulation on this. Work together to identify ways you can co-regulate with her that aren’t triggering for you — cuddling, watching a comfort show, preparing nourishing meals together — and encourage her to seek out friends or a qualified therapist for the kind of intensive processing that might be harmful for you.

Bio: Dr. Frankie Bashan, Psy.D., is a licensed clinical psychologist, relationship expert, and board-certified sex therapist. She is also the CEO and founder of LittleGayBook.com, a personalized matchmaking and singles events platform dedicated to helping LGBTQ+ singles find meaningful connections.