November 8, 2016, will go down in history as one of the worst days ever. It changed so many lives (for the worse) and amplified the already oppressive systems in the US.
If you’re thinking—wait, I thought I clicked on a link about sex? Why is she writing about politics? Because our sex lives are political as queer and trans people. The ways in which we fuck is revolutionary. That also means that politics can have an effect on the ways in which we fuck (or don’t fuck).
After 45 was elected to be president of this dark, dismal country—I found that my queer friends had one of two reactions in their sex lives. Either they were fucking the pain and fear away with their partner(s). Or they lost all interest in sex and intimacy with their partner(s). Both responses are completely normal and totally valid for anyone to have. As the world around us is quickly falling to pieces with forest fires, hurricanes, earthquakes, white supremacists and the continued removal of human rights—I want to focus on the response of losing your sex drive and how to navigate that.
After the election, fertility app Kindara came out with statistics that this is a bi-partisan issue: 19 per cent of Democrats and 9 per cent of Republicans all reported that the negativity surrounding the election had caused a noticeable dip in their libidos. Everyone is feeling a loss of sexy right now.
“My sex drive has tanked,” Vivica* a 32-year old queer woman told Elle. She feels this is because of “a fear of lack of control over my body, my identity, and pregnancy. As a queer person, my identity is under threat from this administration. As a person with a uterus, I fear an unwanted pregnancy. As a femme-identifying person who lives in a conservative state, I fear lack of control over my body.”
First of all, I just want to reiterate that it’s okay to want to have as much or as little sex as you desire. You have full autonomy over your sex life. If you’re feeling a loss of libido because of all the destruction happening in the world right now—that is so valid and you should never feel pressured to have sex with anyone. Sex can definitely be something that makes you feel pleasured and fulfilled, but it also can be a space that’s really vulnerable for people. And maybe you don’t feel like being in that space right now.
I know for me personally, when I feel the systems of oppression pressing down on my life—I have a really hard time masturbating. But I crave partner sex because it makes me feel connected to another human being.
When outside forces are impacting your sex drive, it’s really hard to get back to a good place with your libido because these factors are completely out of your control. Here a few tips, if you are wanting to feel intimacy but just can’t do the whole ~sex thing~ right now.
1. Get a massage.
Whether you have a boo who would gladly give you a massage or you want to find a spa to treat yourself to—this is a great way to feel embodied again. If you have a partner, trying to add a yoni massage might also be a good idea—if you’re open to it. It’s a relaxing way to stimulate your connection with your yoni. De-stigmatizing yoni massages is a whole other article (that I’ll write someday!).
2. Attend a pole dancing or burlesque class.
A great way to just start feeling your sexiness again is through dance. Try to find a studio that offers pole or burlesque classes. You may find that your body is totally uncoordinated for those styles, but look away from the mirror and just feel in your body again. If the idea of going to a class is too intimidating—maybe start off with attending a burlesque performance. Watching other women brazenly own their sexuality, makes me want to do the same.
3. Read erotica.
Sometimes when I’m feeling a loss of libido, porn just does nothing for me. Written erotica, on the other hand, rocks my world and keeps me turning the pages. Reading other peoples fantasies gets my wheels churning about what I desire from sex—even if I may not want it anytime soon. If you feel super inspired, maybe this will spark some written erotica of your own!
4. Take sexy photos.
Put on your favorite undergarments (lingerie, boxers, comfy briefs, whatever that might be!) and start clicking that camera! These women shared their tips on how to take sexy selfies with Refinery 29. Do this and repeat after me (while taking your sexy self in the mirror): I am empowered. I deserve to feel pleasure. I’m sexy. I am a bold woman.
So go forth and feel your power, babes. You’ve still got it, even if you’re not getting it on.