You know how straight girls love to daydream about how if only they could date women, their love life would be free of problems? And then lesbians everywhere LOL their asses off? F*ckboys, abusers, and crappy partners come in every gender, and if you value your peace and happiness, it’s wise to steer clear of them early before your heart gets too attached. Fortunately, most of these less-than-stellar women make themselves known pretty early on—you just have to watch for the bright red flags they’re waving.
Luckily for you, I’ve ignored a lot of red flags in my lifetime, and I am now qualified to make a solid list of them. Here are 15 red flags you definitely shouldn’t ignore in your next lesbian relationship, no matter how cute she is.
She’s rude to people in the service industry.
If your date is one of those customers—the ones who treat service people like they’re servants and are demanding jerks—get outta there. It’s a red flag because it shows that she’s entitled and self-centered. Her jerkiness may not be aimed towards you right now, but trust that that can change at any time
She talks badly about all of her exes.
Oh, all of her exes are “crazy?” What a coincidence! There’s definitely no chance that she’s the one in the wrong here! NO MA’AM.
Real talk: this language speaks to a lack of self-awareness. Also, this is often a manipulative tactic designed to make you feel ~special~ and distract from her own crappy behavior. Just think: What would these exes say if you got their side of the story?
She rushes the relationship into “serious” territory right away.
We all know gay women have a sliiightly different idea of how quickly relationships can move (insert U-hauling joke here). And hey, sometimes it’s totally fine to move quickly because when you know, you know.
But if she tells you she loves you on the second date, be wary. Moreover, if she has a habit of falling “in love” with people immediately only to break up with them a few months later, be VERY wary.
She doesn’t respect your boundaries.
If she never asks for a “yes” or ever ignores your “no,” that’s an enormous red flag. It’s 2019, and there’s no excuse to tolerate someone who missed the massive national reckoning we’ve been having about consent for the past several years. Boundaries aren’t just physical, either. They also extend to your emotions, your time, your money, and the other people in your life.
She never introduces you to her friends or family.
I mean, do you WANT to be someone’s secret girlfriend? Because if she never introduces you to anyone, that’s basically what you are. You deserve to be flaunted (to the level that you are comfortable)!!! These situations are red flags because they say that she’s either hiding a partner OR simply isn’t ready to be in a relationship for real.
She makes you guess what she’s thinking.
Communication is hard. Totally get it. But until she learns how to use her words and tell you what’s going on with her like a grown-up, tread carefully. It’s impossible to overstate the importance of communication to a healthy relationship.
She flakes on plans.
If she often says yes to a date only to cancel last-minute? Red flag. If she sucks at making plans in the first place and prefers to text you randomly at 7 p.m. like “I’m by your house, wyd?” Also a red flag. This behavior implies that she either doesn’t prioritize you, is generally a careless person, or doesn’t have her sh*t together right now.
She’s inconsistent.
You know what’s hot? When someone’s words match their actions ALL THE TIME. Mmm, green flag! If, on the other hand, her feelings and behavior toward you shift depending on the day or week or moon phase, welp. Inconsistency is a tell-tale sign of a f*ckboy.
She never asks you questions about yourself.
Even if your partner is super kind and treats you like a princess, it’s also important that she’s invested in getting to know YOU as an individual. Otherwise, it may be that she just wants a partner and you’re filling in the slot or maybe she has idealized you in her head.
Or, maybe she’s really self-centered and bad at listening to others. That’s not cool either! You should feel like your words are valued by your partner, not like you have to fight for airtime.
She’s jealous or controlling.
We all get jealous and protective of our partners sometimes, but it’s your approach that matters. If she ever tries to dominate your time, badmouths your friends or family, or acts paranoid that you’re cheating on her despite no reason to think so watch out!!! This behavior may seem minor at first, but it can veer into emotional abuse territory.
She lies or withholds the truth.
This one should be obvious—who would willingly date a liar? But you’d be surprised what you can justify when you’re in the throes of an exciting new romance.
“She was just scared to tell me!”
“She promised never to do it again!”
“She told me everything as soon as I asked about it!”
Noooo, girl, runnnn! If she lied already, she will definitely do it again. It’s how she deals with problems. She needs therapy. Don’t get trapped.
She makes fun of you.
A little teasing can be a really fun part of a relationship, but if your partner makes fun of you during moments when you’re extra vulnerable (like during sex or in public) or pokes fun at things that are NOT funny (like your weight), I now give you permission to kick her ass to the curb. Immediately.
She has a short temper.
If you have to walk on eggshells around your partner, lest she fly into a rage randomly, may I humbly suggest kicking her ass to the curb immediately? Arguments are normal, but you should never have to carefully keep track of your partner’s mood or feel scared of her. If she ever calls you names, throws things, or hits the wall in anger, that’s an immediate red flag for abuse.
She has a consistent history of cheating.
Not all cheating is the same. If your partner once had a one night stand while she was drunk, that doesn’t have to be a dealbreaker. But if she has a history of cheating on her partners, that speaks to a pattern of behavior that can be really hard to change.
It’s important to pay attention to how she talks about the cheating. Does she take responsibility for it? Does she explain what she’s done to work on herself? Can you imagine yourself trusting her? If not, don’t waste your time.
She’s not over her ex.
If she brings up her ex like 12 times on the first date, beware, ‘cause lesbians looove to get back together with their exes. Even if she doesn’t get back together with her, it’s not a great idea to get involved with someone who’s still processing their last relationship. It’s a rocky foundation for a new romance.
Have you accidentally slept with and/or fell for one of these red flags? It’s gonna be okay. As Gucci Mane very wisely said in 2009, “Girls are like buses. Miss one, next 15, one comin’.”
