Remember when you first started dating your partner? All of those new relationship feels were on high, high alert. Leaving you feeling giddy, sexy and super turned on all the time. You couldn’t wait to get naked together. In public, at home, in the gay bars bathroom—it didn’t matter. You were getting it on all the time, everywhere you could.
Now maybe a bit of time has gone by and you’re both feeling good in the relationship but your sex life seems to have simmered down a bit. That’s totally normal. The sex crazed days of a new relationship have passed and now you get to feel out each others vibe. My favorite part about having a regular partner I’m spending time with is that you really get to explore sexually together. However, sometimes partners find that their sex drives are actually way different.
Meaning one person wants to be having sex a lot more than the other. We can add this to the list of things that we don’t talk about when trying to figure out if someone is ~for you~. Officially added to my list of communication skills needed to be taught in sex ed.
If you’re navigating this imbalance right now don’t despair, my dear queers. This doesn’t mean that you can’t stay together or that you aren’t meant to be with your current boo. It just means you have to have really amazing communication skills when it comes to desire. And let me tell you, if you’re able to master these communication skills with your boo—you will only benefit and have better sex!
Related: Safer Sex For Queer Women: What You Didn’t Learn in Health Class
“A mismatched sex drive is incredibly common—in fact, two people with perfectly matched libidos are rare!” said Lovehoney Sexpert Sammi Cole. “It’s important that you and your partner find a way to make your desire levels work together, as sex fosters intimacy, improves self-esteem and confidence in a relationship, and, of course, should be something fun that you do together.”
Tips for the person with a higher libido:
- Don’t take it personally when your boo doesn’t want to get down. More often than not, it has nothing to do with you. Them telling you “not right now,” is actually an act of self-love for themselves. They are letting you know their boundaries and trust me, their boundaries have everything to do with them and nothing to do with you. It doesn’t mean they aren’t attracted to you or that they don’t feel turned on by you.
- Find ways to redefine intimacy in your relationship. Intimacy doesn’t always have to mean sex. It can mean a sensual massage or cooking your favorite meal together. Integrate these acts of love and sensuality into your relationship. They will help your boo feel sexy and they will give you a part of the intimacy you need from sex.
- Masturbate. Seriously, don’t let your masturbation and self-love time decrease just because you’re partnered up. Set the mood for yourself: Light some candles, turn on a sexy playlist and lube yourself up with your favorite toy (or fingers).
- Accept what your partner can give you. Whether it’s a steamy make-out session or grinding on each other with no expectation of sex. These moments are just as important (if not more) as having sex with each other.
- Recognize that sometimes your desire to have sex isn’t about sex. There are so many reasons why we feel the desire to cum—from relieving stress to satisfying our need to feel desired/loved to experience a rush of excitement. Sometimes you may want to sit with yourself and ask yourself where the desire is coming from (not that there’s anything at all wrong with your desire!). If you’re able to figure out where that desire is coming from, sometimes you may be able to satisfy it in a way other than sex.
Tips for the person with the lower libido:
- Focus on your arousal this can create a responsive desire. This means, pay attention to all the things your girl does that make you feel turned on. Is it when she’s blow drying her hair in the morning with no clothes on? Or when you shower together? Maybe it’s when you give each other massages after a long day? Whatever it may be, focus more on those actions and less on the act of sex itself. Sometimes these might lead to sex, and sometimes they might just be a special intimate moment between the two of you.
- Set dates with yourself. That’s right, you heard me. Self-love time, boo. Take yourself out to see a new movie, or your favorite dinner. Afterwards, pull out your magic wand and lube and masturbate. More sexy feels begets more desire. It’s been studied that the more you have sex (with yourself or with your partner(s)), the more active your libido is.
- Talk with your partner(s). Let them in on what’s going on with you! Do you not feel turned on because your exhausted and stressed with work? Do you just not feel good about your body lately? She might be able to help you with some of these things or at least knowing what’s going on with you will help her understand that it’s not personal.
- Watch porn together! This might be funny, it might be sexy, it might turn into getting down together, it might not. Either way, watching porn with your partner can be a fun activity. It can give you inspiration for exploring your sexuality together. My personal favorite queer porn site is the Crash Pad Series.
- Be open to trying new things. When your sex becomes predictable, it’s hard to want to do it. Don’t let that stop you from feeling desire though. Find a karmasuta book and work your way through all the positions in the book. It can be a fun project to have together! I personally love the book “Lesbian Sex: 101 Lovemaking Positions” by Jude Schell.
It’s so important for both of you to recognize that this isn’t anyone’s ~fault~ and you can definitely work through this. Whether it’s about creating more intentional intimacy or maybe even opening up your relationship sexually—communication is so key to get through this sticky situation.
Have lesbian sex questions? Write to me and I’ll answer in the next article!
Corinne Werder is a writer, sex educator, and girl on the move currently residing in Brooklyn, NY. She looks at the world through the lens of a pleasure activist, femme-of-center queer woman. Her background in sex education comes from her volunteer work with RAINN, her work as a sexual assault/domestic violence advocate and she is currently a student at the Institute for Sexuality and Enlightenment.
Have more sex questions? Leave a comment below or email webeditor@gomag.com and come back for more every Friday!
