“Funny that the 14th year anniversary of GirlNATION is in late September,” I crooned to my friend Tia* the other day over a glass of oxblood-colored red wine.
(GirlNATION, if you don’t know, babes, is a lesbian party that has been proven successful for 14 years. The forces behind this Sapphic event are clearly doing something right, for they have stood the brutal test of time. Purr.)
“Why? Why is that funny?” Tia asked, clearly irritated by my mundane observation.
“Because lesbians simply thrive in the fall. It makes sense that a massive lesbian party would have an epic, impressive anniversary during this season. We are so goddamn chic as a collective group of people, this time of year.” I gulped back the rest of my wine and began to sweetly daydream of a fresh fall wardrobe. I heard BIG BOWS are really in —
“Well, why do you think that fall is the season of the chic lesbian? I mean, isn’t it summer? We have so many great lesbian summer parties,” Tia loudly challenged, interrupting my fashion-infused fantasy, raising one of her thick, distinguished eyebrows right at me, with intention.
“The summer has a lot of parties, but we don’t look as sexy in the summer. Plus, the summer brings out the riff-raff, you know?” I yawned.
I just wanted to online shop for the rest of the day! I was weary from the incessant arguing with opinionated lesbians with 10,000 more degrees than me.
“Riff-raff? What does that mean? Non-New Yorkers? You’re such a snot,” Tia spat.
“Sue me,” I said, rolling my eyes, not quite clear what the hell I meant myself. (Sometimes I just, like, say shit.)
A few hours later, after I’d blown an entire paycheck on an oversized chunky knit sweater and a BIG BOW headband, I thought about why fall is the season of the chic lesbian. Here’s what I came up with:
1. It’s leather weather.
No one looks sexier in a leather jacket than a lesbian. It’s in our genetic makeup to look extraordinarily hot when draped in leather, but especially when that leather is executed in the form of a jacket. (I’m getting hot and bothered just thinking about it!)
Give a lesbian a leather jacket, and she can do anything. She can run for office. She can fearlessly flirt with any woman at the bar. She can steal the promotion from the dickwad at work. She can make the most heterosexual of women question her sexuality because her leather jacket prowess is universally lusted after and transcends the confines of sexual orientation.
Leather is our best look, our lifeline, and our trusted swag-enhancer. In the winter, it’s too cold for that thin little leather jacket; winter requires a puffer (gag!) which is not cute on any gender expression or sexual identity. Everyone looks sort of dumb in a puffer, though they’re most definitely a necessary evil in January.
Summer, on the other hand, in New York, is hotter than the third rung of hell. So it requires rocking one of those tank tops that’s loose and cut out low underneath the armpits, a look that works on some lesbians, but not all of us. (It looks fucking horrendous on me.)
However. We are united as a culture of people in the utter FACT that leather looks good on all lesbians. It doesn’t matter where we fall on the butch/femme spectrum—we’re fierce, sexual, strong creatures in LEATHER.
And leather works perfectly in the gorgeously crisp fall, dahlings.
2. It’s Cuffing Season.
For those of you who don’t know what “cuffing season” is, allow me to kindly explain. “Cuffing season” happens right after Labor Day, when the hot weather subsides and that oh-so-familiar chill penetrates the city air. “Oh shit, it’s going to get cold soon!” we all panic aloud to our friends. We pretend we’re afraid of the looming cold winter weather, but in reality, we’re deathly afraid of enduring yet another holiday season single. We are suddenly overcome with an impenetrable longing to cozy up with a sweet bae and rewatch Gia and Bound, with our PJ-clad bodies intertwined on the couch as the snow falls poetically on the Manhattan pavement.
So we go on the search for a person to ~cuff~ with. Maybe it’s the fun, summer booty call we secretly want to explore, someone to have more than just drunken sex with? Maybe it’s a cute girl you’ll meet this weekend at the lesbian bar/lesbian party? Maybe it’s your ex that you’re still pining after and should never have broken up with anyway?
I don’t know who it will be—all I know is that even breeders fall victim to the adorable lure of cuffing season. Only they’re not as good at mastering the art of the cuff as we are. See, lesbians (even the most freewheelin’ of us) are really good at diving into serious relationships, quickly. We all get a rush out of cuffing season and are subconsciously competing with each other to see who can go from super single to all moved in and adopting cats together the fastest. We love to cuff, and we’re fucking brilliant at it!
The stock of U-Hauls must really spike in the fall. Maybe it’s time to invest?
3. Because flannel is for dykes, daddies, femmes and queer babes.
While flannel can look a little shlubby in the off-season, it looks chic, cute and wildly appropriate come the fall. Flannel is so trendy in October that even straight bitches rock it this time of year, but they don’t pull it off like us lezzies do. Similar to leather (flannel’s cool big sister), lezzies were designed by God herself to sparkle when adorned in plaid. I fought the urge to fall into the flannel-wearing lesbian stereotype for years… until… I bought this fabulous plaid DRESS and paired it will slutty fishnets and suddenly felt both kinky femme and super lez at once! It truly helped to affirm my identity.
4. The ferries have arrived! Everyone is finally back in the city!
The rich, successful lesbians hop on ferries and jitneys and neglect Manhattan for Fire Island or The Hamptons in the summer. The young, fresh-faced baby dykes also go to those places and get jobs as bartenders and waitresses and make a shit-ton of tips off the rich, successful lesbians, who enjoy gazing at their fresh-faced gorgeousness. The college-aged lezzies go back to their miserable hometowns and suffer until NYU starts back up again.
BUT when the leaves metamorphose from green to gold, all of those bitches come twirling back into our big and beautiful city, which is excellent! The scene is alive once again! The bars are buzzing with babes eager to catch up after a long summer separated! The streets of the West Village are full of foliage and leather-clad lesbians, and we all huddle outside and smoke and talk and are just so happy because as a community we are so much better in abundance, don’t you think?
5. Red Wine & Country Vibes make for excellent SEX.
When I was a single lez I lived for dating in the fall. Why?
Because all the chic lesbian daddies would suggest fabulous dates doing cute shit, like apple-picking in the Hudson Valley, which would always involve a velvety glass of red wine and like, a fresh pastry.
I never enjoyed those summer beer dates. I used to grin and pretend but inside I was miserable as I sweated and slugged back a vile tasting beer on some cement rooftop during the ides of July. Nor do I care for whiskey-swilling winter dates. I blackout when I drink liquor, and chances are it’s freezing AF which means I have to wear a puffer, and the moment I put a puffer on, my vagina dries up.
I want to sit in a chic AF lodge in the FALL and gaze into a plush field of brilliant orange pumpkins as I wash back a moist slice of cake with a glass of rouge-colored vino. Which always leads to sex. Fantastic sex! Leather jacket, flannel-wrapped SEX in a cute lesbian-owned and operated inn, with a sexy grownup lez who just got back in town after summering in Provincetown.
So if you want to kick off fall, the season of the chic lesbian, start it off right tomorrow at GirlNATION.
I myself have been to many a fierce GirlNATIONnyc party throughout the years, and let me tell you, it’s always a teeming sea of sexy ladies bumping and grinding and falling in love and becoming best friends for life! The sapphic energy is strong at GirlNATIONnyc, and I encourage you to venture out of your dismal abode this weekend, even if you don’t know anyone who will be going. (I’ll be there, and I’m your lesbian big sister always down to gulp back some liqueur and engage in a chit-chat and introduce you to some sexy ladies!)
Happy Fall, queers.