The Worst Things About Every Zodiac Sign As Told By A Queer Astrologist

It’s time to get called out, babe.

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We all have a secret side to ourselves that we don’t want the world to know about—right? Like the fact that you ~sometimes~ leave your dirty dishes for over a month or are the crazy coupon lady at the grocery store holding up the entire line.

But sometimes we all need to be called out on our shit. It helps us with self-awareness and you know, becoming a better person and all that jazz. No one likes to be called out but everyone loves a good roast. Whether you want to skip over your astrology sign and go right to your girlfriends because you’re not ready to face your demons or you want to dive right in for the self-deprecation, either way, these are true to form for every sign.

Aries: You’re a chronic masturbator 

There’s nothing wrong with a little masturbation from time. It’s just that Aries logic puts the word self before anything. Love? Self-love. Work? Self-work. Care? Self-care.

Because you only text someone if it’s to hang out that very moment and not even twenty minutes later, you’re almost impossible to date and, even more, you’re alarmingly proud of this fact. Mostly, you see your sexuality as wasted on other people. Why spend a minute worrying about anyone else when taking care of yourself is so much more efficient? You know that it takes you 12 minutes of masturbation to come by yourself and sex with a partner is a whole hour? Get real. Boooring! You’re not here to waste your time.

Taurus: You’re a paranoid hoarder

No one wants to steal the trash you are hoarding. No. One. Wants. It. You know those ~nanny cams~ that are 50% off at every Staples in the nation? Those were made for the Taurus lesbian and discounted because no other sign wants that shit.

It’s not just the 50% off sticker that attracts you, sweet Taurus. And you’re not just interested because this nanny cam is cheap or because it will add to your heap of garbage. You’re interested because this specific piece of garbage will actually watch all your other garbage for you.

So, you get an email every time a gust of wind blows in your room. You like it, don’t you? It lets you know that all your stuff is still there, which is so soothing.

If your stuff isn’t going anywhere, then neither are you. Ever. What’s a hoarder? Definitely not you.

Gemini: You skim shit and can’t remember shit

You think caring about something means that you have skimmed the Wikipedia article about it. Not that you’d ever absorb the information—that would get in the way of what it is you’re trying to do here. What? Is someone mad about that thing you said two days ago? Who the hell can be accountable for something they said two days ago?

What you care about, Gemini is the fifth dimension. What is that anyway? Who knows? No one knows. You just know what this dude on YouTube said about it, which you can repeat word for word at least for the time being. Isn’t that awesome? Just sooo cool? Wonder what it means.

Cancer: You’re a stalker

There’s no distance on Earth wider than the distance you’d go to cover your tracks.

What? There’s an app that tells people how many times you’ve looked at someone’s Facebook profile? You don’t care whether this app is real or not. You’re already deleting your account and making a new one with a fake name and only one profile picture (of an anime character or a cat).

You know, if you talked to people instead of stalking them on the internet, you wouldn’t be in your situation. And when you send your crush messages from your fake OKCupid attached to your fake Facebook, they can still tell it’s from you because they see you following them around IRL. Especially when you tell them real information about yourself just to see how they react.

Leo: You have a massive ego and you’re wildly self-centered

 

No one would even be able to THINK if you weren’t around. You’re such an inspiration, babe! People are just living their dead-end lives aimlessly without you in it. And since you’re the one who inspired everyone to even start thinking, all their ideas are yours. Duh.

It DEFINITELY does not mean that you steal all your ideas from other people.

No, those ideas only came into this world because of your sheer inspirational presence. Your friends would just be living their dead lives with their dead personalities if it weren’t for you. People need to learn that their lives would be so much better if they just listened to you and started crediting you in their work.

Virgo: You’re anti-social AF

Stop taking 300 page long books with you to parties. Everyone, including you, knows that you don’t read them and you’re starting to get hunch backed from carrying all that shit around with you. You think you’re going to be writing your life’s thesis at 2AM cross faded at a bar? Nope, you’re never going to be in that situation because you’ll never stay out that late. We both know that you’ll be home drinking water by then.

All lot of your time is spent constantly trying to prove that you are a social person because, really Virgo, you’re not. The only reason you’re still telling that story of the time shit got really bad at an all night dance party four years ago is because you think it’s embarrassing to admit how much more you prefer to spend all your time squeezing blackheads than be around any living, breathing, human being. 

Libra: You’re pretty aesthetic is just a covering up the mess that is your life

No one buys your pastel aesthetics vibe on Instagram. Your feed is pretty and everything is matching but you know what doesn’t match? That pan with the tomato sauce baked on from five days ago left in your sink.

Oh, what’s that? Dishes are your roommate’s problem? Your job is just to just clean out the fridge every month or so? Oh right, of course, a Libra would pick that chore. Libra never keeps any food at home. All you have at any given time are some apples and slices of bread. After all, Libras don’t eat…when they can snack.

Scorpio: You do nothing

 

You do almost nothing with your time. The rest of the time, you spend trying to hide the fact that you do almost nothing with your time.

Everywhere you go, everyone is always saying how scary, how mysterious, how sexy Scorpios are. This is hilarious because Scorpio really doesn’t do bat shit. All you do is bury things. Completely regular things that everyone goes through and talks about? You keep that shit covered.

A large percentage of y’all live in basements and it is impossible to tell whether you are home or not. Why? I’ve met Scorpios who have a choice between an upstairs room and a hole in the basement who pick the hole. Then they try to tell everyone they keep their headphones on all the time even when they are constantly eavesdropping the next room over. No one is talking shit about you, Scorpio, because you’re the only one who cares that you can hear us.

Sagittarius: You’re cheap

Think of all the people you owe money to. There was that time you split a cab with a friend and promised to buy them dinner, right? Wasn’t there also that time when you were out of cash for ice cream and didn’t have your phone ready but promised to Venmo someone later? You never outright ask anyone for money and you’re always making up for borrowed money in some other, unspoken, non-monetary way.

This is why some people don’t talk to you anymore.

You believe that it’s the thought that counts. This is not correct. If you borrow $2 from someone, they don’t want you to bring them some Hallmark card with a baby chicken on it three months later. This is not a great way to deal with debt.

Capricorn: You’re boring AF

 

If you sound dead, you might as well be dead. Every Capricorn has a voice that is half monotone and half mumble (think Kardashians). You’re funny only because you’re dead ass boring. This makes you easier to make jokes of rather than, with.

Whatever you do, please never rely on the charisma of your voice to get your message across. Most likely, people do not listen to you because they have learned to tune you and your boring AF tone out by now. You’re like the fine print of an Apple software license. People keep you around because it’s understood what you’re doing is somewhat important but best when ignored.

Aquarius: You don’t care about anyone, really

You’re basically the Human Resources Department of the Zodiac. Remember Toby from The Office? And how no one liked him? Not because he did anything but because he really didn’t do anything, or cared about anyone.

You’re the type of person who likes people in an abstract way and really couldn’t care less about anyone in particular. You study sociology but hate people. You have a degree in social work but can’t hold a conversation without tuning out. You have a career in negotiating community accountability but can be a real asshole in person. Why are you like this?

Your ideal living situation would be to live inside a VR headset with Wifi and tubes to feed you and take out waste products. This way you can study humans in peace with no one trying to bother you.

Pisces: You’re anxious and self-hating

Your bedroom? It’s not just a regular, ole bedroom. It’s a series of four walls inside which you put everything you have that is associated with particularly paranoid ideas. Your favorite activity is sitting inside of it and ruminating on the particularly anxiety producing or painful ones. During these sessions, you will tell yourself that everything you have ever believed is wrong. You don’t need anyone to gaslight you when you have a strong daily practice of doing it to yourself.

And talking with you? You really don’t need anyone to talk to when you’re able to talk back to yourself. No one is able to contradict yourself the way you are already able to and, thus, entirely unnecessary. This also makes it impossible for you to be wrong, ever.

Tip: Invest in a good pillow, Pisces. This pillow is the only best friend or worst enemy you will ever need.


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