One of my favorite songs by The O’Jays starts like this, “Money, Money, Money, Money. MONEY!” Whether you’re Suzie Orman or Mistress Cleo, a high-volume Stock Trader on Wall Street or just getting groceries at a Trader Joe’s near Christopher Street, it’s no secret that money makes the world go ‘round and ‘round. As a queer person, I often find myself spending money on the most random things.
I recently bought a special type of skillet for my girlfriend that only cooks one egg at a time. I bought it because it was “super cute.” But when I showed it to my paramour, she simply asked me why I spent $50 on this weird object instead of the toilet paper she had requested.
“I thought this li’l pan was very cute and hoped you might enjoy it,” I replied before winking and going in for a kiss. Needless to say, I slept on the couch that night.
While I was reaping my punishment, I started thinking about all the crazy things we queers buy. That’s why I decided to compile a list of 6 of the most ridiculously queer things I could find at the most exorbitant prices I could find them at. Here we go!
Are you the kinkiest lesbian ever, or are you dating her? If so, have we got a two-in-one dildo/whip for you! This Fuji Glass “Diletto” design brought to you by the two aptly named powerhouses Fornicouture and AHH is inspired by a Japanese volcano. Yikes! Unless, of course, you’re into that sort of thing. In which — hot. This confusingly kinky object retails for about $1,108.79! Crack that whip!
Gucci Diamond Tevas! Oh my!
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Throughout history, lesbians and their footwear have had a traditionally strenuous relationship. With all the hiking that generally goes on in the community, dykes tend to be a lot harder on shoes than their gay male counterparts.
There’s also the issue of functionality over style. Given that women who love women tend to be more fiscally conservative, shoes are often chosen based on durability rather than form. That is, until now! Gucci, a brand known for its cultural sensitivity and for leading the charge in efforts for diversity in fashion, is making one more statement with their Cruise 2019 collection of Tevas, aka the great-gran-lesbian sandals.
Not ridiculously queer enough for you? I’ll have you know the design for these sapphic sandals was inspired by Alyscamps in the city of Aries, an ancient Roman necropolis (wink, wink). If that still sounds 100% heterosexual to you, then simply strap on these leather and mesh chunky-soled beauties and attempt to walk directly onto the set of “The L Word: Generation Q.” I bet you the whopping $1,250 these puppies are worth that everyone will just assume you’re either a camerawoman or a particularly quirky grip.
These Moschino Mini-Leather Jacket Fannypacks and Fringe Bags
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Are you a super tough futch? When you walk into Henrietta Hudson, does everyone in the club pause like you’re John Wayne walking into a Texas saloon? Are you a strict top with commitment issues like Shane McCutcheon from “The L Word?” Take a gander at this ridiculously queer Moschino bag. It’s $2,695. Can you afford it? Do you work a lot? I bet you do. I bet you’re always working. I bet when girls ask you for your number after hooking up, you’re like, “Look, babe. Work is crazy right now, and I really can’t do a relationship.” I bet that routine works with lots of girls. I bet a few nights later, those same girls always spot you back at Henrietta Hudson getting really hot-and-heavy with other girls who all look like friggin’ models. My point is, I’m not trying to be needy or anything, but could you please call me back? Thank you.
Gertrude Stein Portrait by Andy Warhol
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Every dyke knows Gertrude Stein is top-level gay. Every gay guy knows Andy Warhol was the best of the best. Put them both together and what do you get? The top-level best of the gay! This painting of Gertrude Stein by Andy Warhol is honestly a steal as far as Warhols go. For less than $10,000, you could have a shiny new status symbol to hang above your fireplace. Come on, don’t you want everyone to know you’re gay? This is the only way to ensure that you will never have to come out ever again.
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To be totally honest with you, I’ve never really understood the point of busts. Why have a random decapitated marble head in your foyer? However, rich people seem LOVE them. They go bananas for this stuff! To me, it’s kind of like living inside a scary movie. But if you’re a mega-rich lesbian that’s looking to exchange the extra time on your hands for ridiculously queer conceptual venetian blood, you might consider inking a deal to get this Marble Head of Sappho at a Sotheby’s auction. It’s white, it’s old, and it’s missing its nose. If that appeals to you, I suggest you drive your gold and amethyst Subaru Hatchback on down to Sotheby’s and put your money where this freaky old lesbian rock-head’s mouth is.
Top-Tier Sperm (For The Family-Oriented Lesbian)
If you’re a couple of lesbians looking to make a baby the new-fashioned way, you’re gonna need sploosh. Some have asked their gay best friends, and some have had ill-fated threesomes gone wrong. But, eventually, all roads lead to the sperm bank. This LA sperm bank claims to offer the highest in sperm technology and couples the world over are clamoring to buy from their extremely select group of top-tier donors. One small vial of magic stuff from this place will cost you almost $1,000, and they recommend you get at least 4 vials — you do the math. That’s one pretty penny. So, if you’ve the dough, this could be the beginning of the rest of your child’s life. First Stanford, then Harvard, then summer on the Cape!
Ok, gaymos, now you know just what to buy your lovers in order to have a ridiculously queer and expensive Christmas next year. Start saving now.
