Queer-antine Lewks: Staying In & Showing Out

Why not serve your Zoom colleagues a lewk they’ll never forget?

Quarantine: day eleventy-million and one. You’ve watched everything remotely gay on streaming and read every lezzie book you could get your hands on. (Have you listened to Fiona Apple’s new album? If not, get to Spotify immediately.

Then you catch a glimpse of yourself in the mirror and — when did you last change your pajamas? Is your fridge empty? Instacart is full — again — so you may actually have to venture out of the house. 

Let me say this first and foremost: The first rule of queer-antine is there are no rules. (Aside from those prescribed by the Centers for Disease Control and the World Health Organization. Social distancing may suck, but it is absolutely necessary to flatten the curve so one day we can go out again and find girls to kiss.) 

If staying in the same T-shirt you’ve had since the first Lilith Fair is bringing you comfort, and maybe even a little joy, The Indigo Girls give you their blessing. Don’t feel any pressure to put on your best gay club lewk at this point. Also, flannel shirts — the signature lesbian fashion statement — are not only comforting but also just plain comfy. Throw on some sneakers over your PJ pants and you are good to go for an appropriately distanced supply run or walk around the block to get that crucial and immunity-boosting vitamin D.

That said, if you feel like mixing things up a bit, this queer gal has a few ideas for you below!

Mask Up!

News and statistics are changing faster than Lindsay Lohan’s love life circa the early aughts. Unless you’re an essential worker (and if you are, you are my hero, stay strong!), it’s hard to know whether wearing a mask in public will keep you immune. That said, better safe than sorry, especially when you find yourself in the grocery store in the midst of a panic-buying crowd. Why not use this opportunity to express your gay AF personality? (Remember to wear it over your nose and mouth!)

If you’re adept with a needle and thread, you can find a simple tutorial here. Use your coolest scrap fabric and pay the gay love forward by making a few extra for your friends and/or to donate. 

If sewing is not your bag, have no fear: here are a few fun no-sew patterns.

If you have no hair ties because your cat ate them all and you want to support a good cause, put in an order to Matrushka Style. This LA-based custom clothing boutique will surprise you with adorable masks made from fabric they choose (though you can make special requests) — and wait, there’s more! For every mask you buy, Matrushka will donate one to essential workers in Los Angeles. Find out more here.

Play With Your Hair

Okay, if your hairstylist is like mine, they are warning you not to touch a strand on your head so they don’t have to undo the damage when the world opens up again.

That said: If you’d like to play around with color, it’s not like you have to go into the office! Channel your inner ‘90s riot grrrl and grab the Manic Panic for that extra touch of, “Mooom, I don’t want to take out the garbage!” (Especially useful if you’re back at your parents’ abode.) For the grown-up gay girl, try Overtone with its easy-to-follow steps.

If you’d rather not go with a permanent hue, why not wig out? Go pink, go purple, go the full rainbow!

Or go the full Charlize Theron in “Mad Max: Fury Road and shave it all off! The great thing about hair? It grows back.

High Art

By now you’ve seen the various art cosplays while scrolling through social media because, well, there’s nothing else to do. Why not make it gay?

First, get thee to Hulu and watch “Portrait of a Lady on Fire”, the 2019 French film about artists, muses, and lady love with gorgeous paintings of the stunning Adèle Haenel. (The actress, who plays a sheltered 18th century Frenchwoman who falls for the artist commissioned to paint her wedding portrait, is the former girlfriend of writer-director Céline Sciamma. The couple broke up amicably right before filming commenced, so yes, this really is the most lesbian film ever.)

Second, screenshot the renderings in the film — several of which are nude — and stage them yourself! Female nudity and plenty of longing — you can’t get gayer than that.

Pin It Up

Remember the corset and thigh-highs you bought for Valentine’s Day? Dig it out of the drawer and stage your very own photoshoot. Have your roommate/girlfriend/queer-antine buddy wield the camera, or you can just set the timer on your phone! Single? No worries at all! It’s always lovely to have photos you can look at on your pajama days. Hookup apps will be back someday, and in the meantime, you can build up your treasure trove of thirst traps.

Need inspo? Check out these glorious “Don’t Rush” challenge videos (part 1 and part 2) of Black burlesque performers from around the world, many of whom are also queer, going from drab to fab while “passing” sexy accessories. Hot!

Serve Face

If you’re working from home, you’re likely subject to the glorious task that is web conferencing. (Groan.) Why not serve your colleagues a lewk they’ll never forget? And if your day job is more conservative (boo), you can give yourself a fun makeover after you shut your laptop for the day.

Now’s the perfect time to play with crazy colors and false eyelashes. Press play on those YouTube tutorials you’ve been saving but never had the time to watch until now! Seriously, smoky eyes will never, ever go out of style. Prep for your next big night out, whenever that may be, while feeling a little bit more fun in COVID confinement.

The great thing about makeup indoors? You don’t have to wear a mask! For lippie ideas, check out this fun list.

If you just want cozy comfort mixed with celebrity inspiration and eye candy, here is Bette Porter doing a puzzle. (And here.) You’re welcome.

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