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How To Focus On Life When All You Can Think About Is Pride

June 27, 2024

DO NOT go outside, the streets are dangerously flooded with people who want to turn up with you.

It’s the last week of Pride Month, and the biggest weekend of all is coming up, filled with hookups, benders, and corporations experimenting with new queer jargon. I have emails to answer, laundry to do, plants to water, and bills to pay… but all I can think about is what I’m going to wear to the Dyke March on Saturday. Just because the weekend excitement is so close, doesn’t mean we don’t have to work Thursday and Friday. So how does a queer stay focused? Lucky for you, I’ve come up with a list of ideas to help you concentrate on the serious stuff so you can party like you mean it this weekend.

Live with Straight People

I know it’s not exactly their month, but I am very thankful for my straight roommate’s insight in times of gay stress. Knowing that she doesn’t have a blowout orgy to attend this weekend makes me keep our apartment clean out of sympathy. (If I lived alone, those dishes would stay in the sink until July. Hence why my room is a mess.) Even though I know she is excited for me, she doesn’t mirror the enthusiastic energy that I get from my queer friends, which makes for totally boring conversation, so maybe I should just clean my room after all…

Make Your Coffee at Home

I know the best part of your day is hitting your local coffee spot and engaging with your recently out pansexual barista that you have chemistry with. But I am warning you, if you begin your day chatting them up, you’ll end up daydreaming about being in their arms from 9-5. Keep yourself safe by making your coffee at home this week or buying a batch of cold brew. I’m sorry that it makes you abandon your community during Pride, but you need concentration to do the job that pays you money to afford $9 lattes the rest of the year.

Turn On Your Zoom Camera for Once

If your boss is watching, you’re going to want to wash off last night’s makeup.

Throw Your Phone into the River

Who’ll do your laundry if you’re laying in an unwashed pile on your bed, DM-ing around about the new season of Bridgerton? Anyone you swipe right on will be there in person this weekend, so you don’t need to talk to them now. And don’t you hit me with, “But what if my ex calls?” Girl, we’re lesbians. They’ll show up at your house if they need you, don’t worry.

Max out Your Credit Card

Now you can’t pull the trigger on rush shipping before Sunday.

Do Not, Under Any Circumstance, Leave Your House

DO NOT go outside, the streets are dangerously flooded with people who want to black out with you. Doordash everything, whatever you have to do to avoid seeing the city decorated with queer joy. The weather is beautiful and the sun’s claws might drag you right to the West Village.

Act Super Chill and Whatever

How good can a collective of beautiful, creative souls joining to create an unbeatable force and honoring those who haven’t had the freedom to express themselves really be? Like, it’s really no big deal. Probably should get back to Microsoft Teams.

I know it seems like this super hot 48 hours is the only time you can go out and celebrate, but being gay is something you can honor by dressing up in your sluttiest overalls for as long as you’re alive. As exciting as this weekend is, it’s really just a kickoff to the rest of a really gay summer. Don’t forget to take a deep breath and remind yourself you’ll still be queer in July.

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