THE CULTURAL ROADMAP FOR CITY GIRLS EVERYWHERE

THE CULTURAL ROADMAP FOR CITY GIRLS EVERYWHERE

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Getting Kinky: How To Get Involved In Leather And BDSM

February 1, 2025

Girl in a leather mask and choker

Your beginner guide to all things kinky.

I was sitting on a collapsing threadbare couch when I saw them. Butch. Older than me. Faded black t-shirt, work pants, bound chest, keys jangling, boots laced tight, handkerchief in their back left pocket. They were shooting pool with a friend when the heavy metal door to the youth center clanked open, and in walked a little gender weirdo of a boi. Dirty boots, a studded belt, handkerchief in their back right pocket. Then that boi dropped to their knees at the butch’s feet and I was mesmerized. I was 18 and had never understood romance, but I understood this. The ritual, the power that flowed between them, the care on that top’s face as they looked down. The way their boi looked ready to give him the world. After that night, I went to the bookstore and started reading every old queer leather/BDSM book I could find.

I learned that what I had witnessed between the butch and the boi was an inherent power exchange that takes place during any kind of BDSM play or scene. For some people, those times of play in the bedroom or a dungeon are where BDSM starts and ends. For others, it is a framework or mindset that runs through every aspect of life.

I knew immediately I wanted to experience a BDSM relationship. That same year, I visited Washington, D.C. to present at a queer youth conference and met a butch who looked like James Dean – if James Dean was washed on hot and then shrunk in the dryer. They cocked an eyebrow at me, gave me rubber ducky stickers, and told me I was a good boi. Then they collared me—the leather version of a serious commitment. We were moving way too fast and committing right away was a bad idea, but I was young and inexperienced. That relationship didn’t last more than a couple of months.

Despite my chaotic BDSM beginnings, I quickly found community, chosen family, and play partners who shared the same ethics and values as me.  After James Dean, I made many friends in the community who treated me with respect and boundaries. I worked at a local sex/leather shop and sold floggers, whips and restraints, and more. I started teaching in dungeons and at conferences and found joy and connection in consensual power exchange. I became so immersed in the BDSM world, I thought it was “normal.” It wasn’t until a few years later when my social circle expanded that I discovered that many still consider BDSM a taboo activity. 

Because BDSM was so intertwined with queerness in the communities that I came out into as a young adult, I luckily never felt shame about my desires. But because of the cultural stigma that exists around BDSM, many others internalize feelings of shame about their desires.  

So if you are feeling ashamed or embarrassed about your curiosity around BDSM, you’re not alone. A recent study found that 40-70% of people had BDSM-related fantasies, and about 20% of study participants reported engaging in BDSM. 

So if you’re interested in getting involved, here’s where to start: 

Many cities across the country have active leather Dyke or gender-expansive leather groups like San Francisco, New York, and Chicago—and national events like International Ms Leather & Boot Black.  These private clubs/organizations often will hold educational events and workshops, as well as play parties. Your local LGBTQ+ Center (if you have one) should be able to point you in the right direction of any groups in your local area that meet regularly. Active groups will likely have some kind of web presence either through an independent website or posting on sites like FetLife, a social media platform specific to the BDSM community. On Fetlife you’ll be able to search for lesbian/dyke/queer-specific groups in your local area. While not as robust as other social media platforms, it is a great way to learn about BDSM and connect with others.  

Getting involved in online chat groups, discord servers, and following kink-focused content creators is a great way to start immersing yourself in aspects of the community without having to directly get involved. This is also a great option if you are still testing the waters for yourself about how comfortable you feel about being out, or if you are geographically isolated from the BDSM community. It’s completely natural to feel nervous about putting yourself (and your fantasies and desires) out there. But the only way to fulfill them is to find people who are like-minded. 

When you are ready to take your exploration IRL, look specifically for postings about new member orientations and munches. A much is a casual event designed to welcome new people into the community.

Munches are an ideal way to explore the community for the first time. Event listings will include information about dress codes for the events, though munches generally take place at coffee shops, restaurants, or bars. Because they are held in public, people are wearing their regular clothes, and not fetishwear, though you may see more than a few subtle or not-so-subtle kinky t-shirts.

When I reentered the scene a few years ago I met with the leather dyke and gender-expansive group. I was delighted to remember that even though I felt nervous walking into the bar, I quickly felt at home. Standing there in my Super Mario Brothers “Power Player” t-shirt and leather boots, I bonded with club members about our mutual love of Disney theme parks and plans to attend a large local Kink conference this spring. Meeting other leather folks in person was a treat, and a reminder that while online communities are great, there is something very special about standing boot-to-boot with friends new and old. 

Munches and club classes are an opportunity for people to meet and socialize. On the other hand, play parties are spaces where people actively engage in BDSM activities. Before attending an event, spend some time thinking about your interests and limits. It’s perfectly okay to attend planning just to watch and not play or have sex. It’s also ok to want to do those things. Remember that consent is the most important aspect of any BDSM/leather interaction. 

Looking for more resources? If you want to learn more about BDSM or leather but aren’t yet sure about getting involved in an online group or attending a local event, consider doing some additional reading and looking at community resources. Below are a few of my favorite resources to share with people interested in the community. 

The New Topping Book

The New Bottoming Book

Kink Is: An Anthology of Surprisingly Relatable True Stories about Sex, Power, and Joy

The Leather Archives and Museum 

Having a baseline understanding of BDSM-related terms is useful for not only putting language to your desires but also helping to engage in the community.

101 Terms: 

BDSM: BDSM stands for Bondage and Discipline, Dominance and Submission, Sadism and Masochism. This acronym is often used not only to reference these specific activities but as a broader umbrella term that references any kind of power play and pleasure achieved through experiencing or inflicting consensual pain. It can also be used as an umbrella term for the whole community. 

Leather: Leather culture or community has roots in 1950s and 1960s post-WWII cis-gay male bar culture. Since the 1970s, the leather subculture has been an active and often very visible subculture within the broader LGBTQ+ community. While often associated with the wearing of leather or other fetish gear (harnesses, boots, etc.), Leather and leather community means so much more than that to those involved and often extends to a code of ethics around the importance of community, caretaking, and legacy. While the roots of leather are in cis-gay men’s bar culture, today leather culture is gender diverse. 

Top/Dominant:  Top or Dominant are terms that can mean someone who is inflicting some kind of stimulation or pain to a partner or partners. It can also reference someone who is consensually wielding power within a dynamic or play exchange. 

Bottom/Submissive:  Bottom or submissive are terms that can mean someone who is receiving some kind of stimulation or pain from a partner or partners. It can also reference someone who is consensually gifting power within a dynamic or play exchange. 

Kink: Kink is a term that can be used as shorthand for BDSM.  People will often describe themselves as being “kinky” when they are referencing a desire to be involved in BDSM. Kink is a broad term that may include anything from spicy sex to full involvement in BDSM. 

SSC: SSC refers to Safe, Sane, Consensual. This well-known phrase is often used to explain the difference between BDSM and abuse or mistreatment. Every act that is occurring is consensual, and the parties involved believe that it is safe and sane.

RACK: Though less widely recognized outside of the BDSM community, in many circles, RACK has replaced SSC. RACK stands for Risk Aware Consensual Kink. The idea behind RACK is to break down and eliminate the vagueness and ambiguity of “sane” or “safe.” Instead, this term recognizes that every interaction, kinky or otherwise, has an inherent risk involved. The key is making sure that whatever you are doing is mutually consented to and that everyone involved is comfortable with the level of risk.

Switch: Someone who may be either a top or a bottom, depending on the interaction, situation, and/or people involved.

Power Exchange: This term is used to describe the play, relationship, or dynamic between two or more people involved in a consensual power imbalance. This may be just for a scene, or as part of a lifestyle dynamic. In a negotiated power exchange, one individual surrenders control to another for a specifically negotiated period, or in specific contexts. 

Safeword: A safeword is a word that someone involved in BDSM picks that, if said during a scene, means that everything ends. Safewords are beneficial because depending on what kind of scene you are engaging in, words like “stop” and “no” might be said, but not because you actually want the play to end. A safeword is a sacred agreement between anyone playing that if uttered things immediately stop. A common safeword is “Red” but you can choose any word you want. Just make sure it’s something that you’ll remember. 

Scene/Play: Scene or Play are terms that are used to explain or refer to the interactions between two or more people engaging in a BDSM interaction or power exchange. 

Munch: If you start doing any research into local groups in your area, you might see postings about discussion groups or new member orientation meetings. You will likely also see postings about munches. These aren’t events where you are going to get chewed up; they are casual gatherings where people involved in the group, or who are curious about being involved, gather together.

Calendar of Events

M Mon

T Tue

W Wed

T Thu

F Fri

S Sat

S Sun

4 events,

8 events,

7 events,

Recurring

Femme House

10 events,

7 events,

THIQUE

7 events,

YUMMY! at The Bush

8 events,

-

Queer Brown Babes

5 events,

5 events,

7 events,

-

Queer Connections After Work

Recurring

Femme House

12 events,

-

Threads Reimagined

9 events,

Thirst Quench at The Bush

10 events,

-

Lesbian Love Letters

Fearless Queers Self-Defense Fundamentals

12 events,

6 events,

11 events,

-

Queer Book Group with Alex

- Recurring

Queer Voices Sung

12 events,

Recurring

Femme House

9 events,

9 events,

6 events,

-

A Galentine Gaycation