Ask Dirty Lola
How do I flirt with femmes as a femme myself? We asked Dirty Lola, an award-winning sexpert with over 11 years of experience.
Featured image: Kirra Cheers
How do I flirt with femmes as a femme myself?
Flirting femme to femme can feel like you’re trying to solve a mystery; no one’s quite sure if they’re being flirted with or just complimented. I’m not embarrassed to admit I’ve struggled with this too. Thanks to years of mutual confusion and missed signals, I’ve picked up a few tricks to make it a little easier.
You’re allowed to be direct. I know, groundbreaking. But a lot of femmes are socialized to soften, hint, and “just vibe,” which can turn into two people making intense eye contact and then… going home alone.
Start with compliments, but make them intentional. Not just “you’re pretty” (they know), but “the way you put that outfit together is doing things to me,” or “your energy feels really warm—I wanted to come say hi.” Give them something to actually respond to.
Then—this is key—create an opening. Ask a question that signals interest. “Are you here with someone?” “Can I buy you a drink?” “Do you mind if I join you?” You don’t have to be aggressive, just clear enough that they don’t have to guess if you’re being friendly or flirty.
Hold eye contact. Lean in. Light, consensual touch if the vibe is there. Femmes often read subtle cues really well—but only if you give them something to read.
Rejection might happen. ’Tis par for the course. But clarity and confidence are sexy, and nothing is hotter than a femme who knows what they want and goes for it.
Dirty Lola is an award-winning sexpert, edutainer, and longtime voice in the sex positive community. With over 11 years of experience working in sex shops, she’s helped thousands navigate toys, turn-ons, and the beautifully messy world of pleasure. She’s hosted live Q&A shows, appeared on podcasts, Netflix, and HBO series, and been featured in New York Magazine, Vice, and Allure. Find her at dirtylola.co and @dirtylola.
*This column is not a consultation with a licensed mental health professional and should in no way be construed as such or as a substitute for such consultation. Anyone with issues or concerns should personally seek the advice of a licensed therapist or counselor.
