“You just need to have sex, Zara. Like you need to have some unemotional, casual, sex, girl. I’m surprised your vagina still works, you’ve neglected it for so long.” My friend Linda* sexily purred to me one Sunday night at a cozy uptown bar.
“The thought of having sex with anyone makes me want to vomit all over this velvet couch. All over the walls of this stupid bar. And all over you.” I sweetly replied, popping a bright red maraschino cherry into my lipstick-adorned mouth.
I was in the throes of a debilitating post-heartbreak depression and Dr. Feelgood had just doubled my dose of Prozac. Anyone who has ever taken antidepressants knows that they do a brilliant job of numbing your sex drive (especially at high doses), which was totally fine by me. I was in that blustery, cold-hearted phase of a breakup where I didn’t want to be vulnerable to anyone—physically, emotionally, spiritually, sexually.
“Zara you’re a sexual creature. A fabulous slut! My most horny friend! You just need to break the ice, have some hot sex and you’ll be back in business in no time.” Linda stared at me, her large, mint-green eyes penetrating my gaze. She took a delicate sip of her blood-red wine. “Now, if you could have sex with anyone famous who would it be? Not date—we all know you don’t need ‘that’ right now but have sex with.”
“Anyone from the show ‘Orange Is The New Black.’ They’re all hot.” Suddenly I felt my colorless cheeks turn pink. My lackluster heart rate accelerated. The familiar rush of lust began pumping through my tired veins.
Linda smile. She can always expertly read my mind. “OK. Let’s rank the characters in order of who would be perfect for a post-heartbreak one-night stand!” Linda was excited now. She whipped a mont-blanc pen out of her large, quilted designer purse and grabbed a napkin off the bar.
And together, we ranked them, baby. On a champagne-soaked bar napkin, kittens. One being the best, 10 being the worst. ( Just like my best friend Alexia La Fata did with the boys of the show “Girls” in this hilarious article for Elite Daily).
Sadly, I won’t ever be able to have post-heartbreak sex with ANY of them, because they’re not real, honey, they’re characters on TV. But that’s OK.
Because just the mere fantasy of it all was enough to send me spiraling out of my sexless heart-smashed depression and right back into the lesbian lust underworld.
Sometimes all it takes is a little imagination and BAM. You’re back, baby. In fact, you’re so horny that the horniness cuts through the clit-killing side-effects of even the highest dose of Prozac.
1. Big Boo
I have a confession to make: I’m extremely attracted to Big Boo. What’s not to lust after?
Big Boo is my favorite kind of lesbian: The seasoned lesbian. And she has the ~queer girl swag~ to prove it. She’s the kind of lesbian who’s probably never, ever slept with a man (a gold star!) and has garnered so much sexual experience with women over the years, she’ll know exactly how to make your body tremble with irrepressible bouts of pleasure. Big Boo will give you the big O in seconds, babes.
Plus, she radiates player energy, so she’s not going to try and get you to move in with her and adopt a cat after your second sex session with her (unlike some other lesbians I know. You know who you are).
2. Poussey Washington
I’m still reeling over the death of Poussey, but in her honor, I staunchly refuse to keep her off of this list. I’m still hoping they somehow will bring her back to life because I loved her with such ferocity and frankly I’m sick to death of TV networks ruthlessly killing off queer characters (especially queer characters of color).
But Poussey! Oh, If Poussey were alive today she would make an excellent post-heartbreak one-night stand!
Like Big Boo, she’s a seasoned lesbian who knows what she’s doing—and you know her selfless personality totally bleeds into her sex style. She’s the type of lesbian that will go down on you for hours, asking you for nothing in return. She’s a classic power top, and we like power tops. Purr.
Her only red flag is this: She’s super deep and interesting, so you’re in acute danger of catching feelings. And the goal is not to catch feelings when we’re on a focused mission that involves sex, and only sex.
3. Stella Carlin
Stella is definitely the swaggiest lesbian to grace our TV screens since Shane from the L Word. Who wouldn’t want to rest your lips on those gorgeous pillowy lips, all night long and through the morning?
Stella might resemble an androgynous supermodel, but to be perfectly honest, our girl isn’t the brightest bulb in the tanning bed, is she now?
Which is actually a great characteristic when you’re looking for a one-nighter! The dimmer the brain, the better the sex (sometimes)! Intellect can often kill the moment. Trust me. I’m a self-proclaimed lesbian slut and I’ve been around the block. A few times.
The only danger in having a one-nighter with Stella is you just know she’s got a laundry list of melodramatic baby-dykes who are wildly obsessed with her, despite her appalling cookie monster tattoo. If you get caught making out with Stella at the bar, you’ll surely get cyber bullied for the next three months by the seventeen other, poorly tatted girls she’s sleeping with.
4. Nicky Nichols
I have a theory: The wilder the hair, the better in bed. I have wild hair myself and trust me, I’m an ~excellent~ lover. Nicky would be a great one-night stand, not just because she’s got the wildest sex hair I’ve ever seen, but also because she’s a trust fund lesbian and will probably take you back to her $10,000 per month Williamsburg loft.
Who doesn’t like to wake up after a one-night stand to a stunning view of the East River? Who doesn’t like to have sapphic sex on salaciously expensive sheets? I certainly do.
Here is why she rates 4: Nicky comes waving a giant, shiny red flag. She falls in love with unattainable straight women. So chances are if you’re a real queer like me, she’ll have fun with you for the night, but right after the sex she’ll start frantically texting the married woman with the husband and the white picket fence she’s having a torrid love affair with.
And she’ll feel all complicated and guilty after sex and her brain will be fixated on her “straight” lover and our little gay egos will be sorely bruised for several days. But we will have experienced a mind-blowing orgasm on 3,000 thread count sheets, so it’s definitely worth a fleeting moment of pain.
5. Sophia Burset
Sophia Burset is a class act. Even when she’s locked up in federal prison, she remains groomed to perfection. Chic as fuck. Articulate and beautiful.
Sophia Burset would be a smooth, gentle lover, a woman you will have soulful sex with. You will passionately snuggle afterward and you might even leave with some amazing conditioning treatment in your hair (anytime you have sex with a hairdresser you leave with better hair. FACT).
However, our darling Sophia Burset is not one-night stand material, honey. She’s wifey material! She’s not the kind of woman you take home, get down and dirty with and never speak to again. She’s the woman who accompanies you to black tie events. She’s the mother of your goddamn child, you hear?
She’s too much of a dime for a one nighter.
6. Piper Chapman
Our resident Park Slope Princess, Piper Chapman might be acting all “tough” and “badass” now that she’s in federal prison, but I don’t buy it.
I was born and raised in Connecticut and I know a wonder brat when I see one. Women like Piper will be total pillow princesses in the bedroom, who expect you to climb on top and do all the hard work. She will also talk your ear off about boring things like her homemade soap business (snooze) and won’t ask you one question about yourself. Narcissism is no fun for anyone except the for the narcissist, darling.
The only plus? Well, she’s sexy in that sweet sugar blonde way, and you won’t risk catching feelings.
Ladies: Do not have a one night stand with Taystee. Ever. Yes, she’s got that beautiful halo of hair framing her soft, soulful eyes. Yes, she can sing like a hummingbird. Yes, she’s a brilliant poet.
And yes she does indeed, lightly dabble with the ladies from time to time.
But honey she’s as straight as my hair after a keratin treatment. And after you have sex with her, you’ll fall in love with her. How could you not? She’s so enchanting!
Only like poor Poussey Washington (RIP) you’ll end up with a smashed heart. Taystee will reel you in with her soft, sexual prowess and leave you for a dude the next morning. And nothing damages a dyke heart like being left for a boy (gag). And your dyke heart is fragile right now. Treat it like a crystal champagne glass.
8. Tiffany Doggett
Tiffany get’s a bad rap, but she’s sexy in her own way, OK? Especially since she got those unfortunate teeth fixed.
But poor little Tiffany is vulnerable right now, ladies. She hasn’t healed from her traumatic past and the poor thing has been used by people her entire life. It’s not COOL to prey on vulnerable people seeking validation and affection through sex, ladies. She needs real friends right now, NOT sex partners.
9. Lorna Morello
I’m trying not to swear so much, but this one is worth the profane word I’m about throw your way: Stay away the FUCK AWAY from crazy Lorna Morello. She’s the most dangerous breed of lesbian: the notorious lesbian stalker.
Yes her red lipstick is divine and her cute Bronx accent is extremely appealing, but sleep with her once, and she’ll screw up your life.
What’s a one-night stand to you, will be a marriage proposal to her. She’s the definition of a delusional U-haul lesbian. And even if she gets locked up for trying to beat up your new girlfriend several months down the line, she’ll still find a way to creep into your life.
It will be the one-night stand that haunts you for the rest of your life.
10. Alex Vause
Alex Vause! The swaggy, sexy, black-haired lesbian of our dreams! Until we end up in federal prison. I’ve been with women like Alex and they’re the absolute worst.
They’re so damn talented at cunnilingus, and their raspy-sexy voices are so intoxicating, that they attain the dangerous ability to convince us to do anything.
The next thing you know we’ll be partaking in an illicit drug deal that gets us locked up for the best years of our lives.
Never sleep with an Alex Vause. Just ~masturbate~ to the fantasy of her instead. In fact, when you’re heartbroken you should be masturbating as much as possible. It’s important to remember that no one can please you better than you can please yourself.
What Do You Think?