Before my first real job right out of college, I went to H&M and bought all the trendy business-casual clothes I could afford. But I wasn’t excited about blazers and sensible blouses. I don’t exactly have a body type that fits easily into stiff trousers. Stuffy, boring business isn’t really my style — I’m more of a leggings and T-shirts type of girl. After all, being comfortable is way more important to me than being trendy. So I never had much fun getting ready for work. Until I started stripping.
Stripper outfits lend themselves to creativity, theatricality, camp, and fun, and they’re one of my favorite things about being a stripper. I love my work outfits — and, once I figured out how to dress my body (and walk in those damn heels), they’re actually surprisingly comfortable. The high platform on Pleasers shoes, for example, is specifically created for stability and safety, and even though the heels are high, wearing them has been much easier on my body than regular heels. And while there are a lot of things to consider when putting together a good stage outfit — Is it flattering? Will it contain my vagina? Will I be able to walk steady in these heels after three Redbull vodkas? Will it be sufficiently difficult for a man to stick his fingers in places where I adamantly do not want them? — stripper clothes are one hundred percent my favorite work clothes I’ve ever worn. Way, way fun more than business-casual clothes.
Here’s what I wear on a typical night at the club!
1. Death-Defying Heels
My eight-inch heels have repeatedly tried to kill me, but I love them. Part of me wants to turn them into a stripper shoe planter, but I’m zero percent crafty and I’m not that great at keeping plants alive, so for now, I’ll continue wearing these death-defying ankle-killers. This isn’t even the tallest stripper heel out there, by the way! I used to take lessons from a woman who wore — and gracefully rocked — ten-inch heels. The only reason she stopped wearing them is because when she inverted at the top of the pole, she kicked out a light bulb and sent glass showering down at all the mere mortals below her, and the club banned shoes over eight inches in height.
Scrolling through the thousands and thousands of styles of shoes and lusting over the most ridiculous pair you can find is a time-honored form of meditation. I’m partial to this completely bananas pair, because they remind me of those old-school candy dots.
2. Pussy Protection
Layers of two thongs (at least!) just in case some jerk tries to get fresh during a lap dance. SURPRISE! Pussy patent-protected. Wearing 2 pairs of underwear is also useful when spread eagle on the stage or doing the YMCA with your legs while inverted and in the air on the pole, because some sadist decided to request that the DJ play the YMCA. (For the love of all things gay and holy, never. do. this.) The club I work at is a topless club only, so two thongs help my unruly vulva stay all demure and tucked away, despite the fact that she’s a total ham.
3. Cheap Bralettes
I’m not much one for underwire, and I have cute little handfuls of boobage, so I’m lucky that I can get away with these bralettes. They’re sweet and simple, are easy to take on and off, and most importantly are comfortable but still look great on stage.
4. Bedazzled Babe
This red lace thong that my best friend bought me in high school, since I was too shy to buy thongs in case my mom found out I wanted to wear them. I hid these in my underwear drawer for years until I went away to college, and I’ve carried them around ever since. Now I wear them at work, but only occasionally, because of the sentimental value.
I pair the red thong with these red rhinestone-encrusted fishnet tights (9) that I got off the Wish app (a godsend for strippers everywhere), but the little stones are actually a torture device that are terrible for doing any kind of floor work. (Like, imagine kneeling on rice while you try to twerk for three minutes straight on a crowded stage. I don’t recommend it.)
5. “You Buy It, I’ll Wear It”
A customer told me he didn’t like my outfit, and I asked him what he would prefer me to be wearing instead, and he pointed to a girl on stage in a black slingshot bikini. I said, “If you buy it, I’ll wear it,” and took his phone, picked out the most expensive slingshot I could find, and made him order it for me and bring it to me the following weekend.
Cute, right? It makes me feel like a gloriously slutty beach goddess.
6. Bra or Dagger?
My sparkly Selena bustier. This actually wasn’t originally a work outfit — it was part of a Halloween costume — but it’s one of my favorite tops to wear at work. When the light sparkles off the bra through the smoke and mirrors and I’m stomping around, a solid six to eight inches taller than I normally am, strong as hell and hauling my body up into the air, I feel invincible. The sequins are blue, pink, and purple, the color of the bisexual flag. And they’re big and can be kind of uncomfortable, so I like to amuse myself during lapdances knowing that if a dude tries to touch me, he’s just gonna get a fist — or face — full of prickly sequins. Serves him right for trying to touch without asking first.
7. Unicorns Are Real
I have a unicorn-shaped moneybag. An excellent conversation starter, and also a bit of a grounding tool for me if I’m dealing with a particularly emotionally draining night. The mane of the unicorn is fuzzy, so it’s nice to be able to pet that or worry it between my fingers, rather than tear about my cuticles, which is what I usually do when I feel anxious.
8. I Put a Spell on You
Amethyst for sobriety, protection, clarity, and banishment of negative thoughts, and black tourmaline to dispel negative energy and aid in enforcing strong boundaries. These two crystals are a constant presence in my moneybag, and sometimes, depending on the type of month I’m having, I even make sure to charge them with the moon or smudge them with sage and incense. Stripping is definitely the kind of job that calls for some type of mindfulness practice, especially if you’re someone who, like me, struggles with anxiety, and who isn’t naturally suited for staying up all night.
9. Long AF Lashes
Grimy fake lashes, 10 shifts per pair. An eye infection waiting to happen.
10. Resting Bitch Face
A bright, ready, Redbull-vodka-induced smile and/or a mean mug, as the situation dictates.