Sex Ed Friday: A 10 Step Guide To The Art Of Fisting

It’s time to talk about one of my favorite sex acts to teach people about: Fisting.

Oftentimes, people get surprised when they hear me say that fisting can be one of the most intimate experiences with your partner. Some feel that it’s an extreme act and wonder how it could even be possible to have your vaginal or anal walls expand enough for a fist to enter. The most important thing to understand about fisting is that it’s a slow and steady process; you can’t just jam your fist inside someone. It takes preparation, a lot of communication, and even more lube.

I think that it’s often forgotten that our fingers and hands are one of our most powerful sex toys. They are often treated as a tool solely for foreplay, which comes from heteronormative sex standards that leave out the many ways in which queer folks of all gender identities and body types f*ck. When you hear mention of fisting, it’s usually as the brunt of joke about gay men having sex. You rarely hear about women fisting other women. But it happens, and trust me, it can be wonderful.

The sensation of being able to fit an entire body part inside of your partner is an extraordinarily intimate and bonding experience. But you don’t want to just go about this on a whim. You should both talk about your desires beforehand and make sure you have a safe-word (I personally like to use pineapple or yellow) for both parties to use if it gets to feel like too much.

1. Eye contact and communication

The most important aspect of trying anything new with a sexual partner is communication. Do you already have a good feel for each others body language and boundaries? Have you talked about a safe-word in advance? Communication throughout the process is needed. Let your bottom know verbally when you’re going to add another finger and when you’re going to start pushing through past your knuckles. Be sure to tell your top when something feels really pleasurable or when something hurts in a way that it shouldn’t. You will feel pain, but your body will also tell you when something isn’t right.

Throughout the process of inserting your fist (which I’ll instruct more on below) keeping eye contact can also be incredibly helpful for both the top and the bottom. It also makes for a more intimate experience of bonding through the pleasurable pain. You want to ensure that your bodies are on the same page throughout this process and eye contact will help keep you there in the experience together. When you’re ready to add a finger and ultimately go past the knuckles, keeping that connection between the two of you is vital — especially if you’ve never fisted or been fisted before.

2. Lube, lube, and more lube

I cannot stress this enough. You do not want to fist without lube. Go to a sex toy store and purchase more lube than you think you’ll need. Have it next to you throughout the experience so you can be adding more as needed. For some of my favorite natural lube options, check out last week’s column.

It’s also a good idea to put down a towel or this sexy Liberator Throw as it’s about to get verrrrry wet down there.

3. Ride the wave

This is really important for the bottom. There is going to be a wave of pleasurable pain when you get fisted, especially if you haven’t done this before. The more experience you have with fisting, the less pain and the more pleasure you’ll likely experience.

Ride the wave that your body and your partner are taking you on. Especially as they are inserting their fist, you will feel waves of pleasure and pain. It’s an incredibly embodied experience, and you’ll likely feel things that you didn’t know were possible from your vagina.

It’s a good idea to have a lot of foreplay before you get to the fisting. Treat it like the main entrée of the sex you’re about to have. The more aroused and turned on you are, the wider your vagina will get and the easier it will be to have your partner’s fist enter you. It’s especially helpful if you have a clitoral orgasm before fisting as it helps your body relax and produces more of your own natural lubricant. Some people even use dildo’s or other toys vaginally before fisting to really help widen the vagina in advance.

4. Listen to your body

As much as you’re about to feel pleasurable pain, you also want to listen to the cues your body is telling you. Micro tears can happen on your vulva or in your vagina — as well as bruising on the walls of your vagina. Be aware of when your body is telling you ‘no more’ or to switch the position around a little bit.

If it feels like you can’t take anymore, it might just mean you need to reposition the hand or the angle at which the top is entering. For some, it might be best to enter while laying on their back. Others might have an easier time reversed while on their hands and knees. All vaginal walls have different sizes and angles. Play around with the position until it feels good for your body.

However, some vaginal walls simply can’t receive an entire fist because of their anatomy.

5. Gloves are your friend

You want to make sure your nails are short and filed down, with your hands washed thoroughly without any cuts, abrasions, hangnails, or nail polish.

If you have fabulously long and decorated nails that you don’t want to sacrifice for the sake of sex — I feel you. An option is to use latex or nitrile gloves with the tips of your nails padded with cotton balls. That way, you reduce the risk of tearing or poking your partner’s vaginal walls. You also could purchase this fancy fisting mitten, which is actually very sexy and helps the lube last longer.

6. Do NOT use numbing agents or fisting gel

A lot of anal fisting guides will offer a special fisting gel that has numbing agents in it. However, I do not recommend using this for vaginal OR anal fisting. The person being fisted should be able to feel everything, not only for their own sake of pleasure but also so they can know when something isn’t going right or is causing them pain.

7. One finger at a time

You want to slowly layer your fingers inside your partner one at a time. When you start to add the your thumb, you’ll want to taper your fingers. Your thumb should lay in the center of your palm, pointing towards the middle finger while you pull in your index and pinky fingers to the center as well. This adorable fisting pin shows you a good example:

Once you’ve entered with this hand positioning, you can slowly bring your four fingers down around your thumb to form a fist. This will all start to happen pretty naturally once you get past the knuckles entering your partner.

8. Once you’re in, spend time exploring

There are so many things that you can do once you’ve entered your partner. Now it’s time for the fun stuff! You can twist your wrist around to create different sensations; you can change positions while keeping your fist inside of her; you can use your knuckles on her G spot or the internal part of her clitoris; you can bring your fist in and out playing around the vaginal opening. Be sure to reapply lube as needed to keep the pleasure coming (pun intended).

9. Exit even slower than you entered

When you both are done playing, be sure to exit gently. I know there is an urge to pull your fist out so you can snuggle and bond over the experience you just shared — but please, do not do that. I suggest adding even more lube while you slowly remove your hand. To ease some of the pain she’ll experience as you pull out, you can either massage the outside of her vagina with your other hand or offer her a vibrator to use on her clit to help subside the pain.

10. Aftercare!

You’ve just had an intense experience together. The person who was fisted will likely experience some vaginal pain that might last a couple of days. But you both will probably be exhausted from the experience as it takes being completely present in your body. Take care of each other; whether that means snuggling, making some hot cups of tea, a warm bath, listening to calming music, and/or talking about the experience. Both the top and the bottom should receive aftercare.

It’s important to note that while fisting injuries are incredibly rare, the person who was fisted may experience light spotting or bleeding afterwards. However, if this persists for more than a day after — go seek medical care. If the person who was fisted is on hormone replacement therapy or has had a complete hysterectomy or vaginoplasty, be sure to have extra caution as these can cause the vaginal walls to be hyper-sensitive to increased penetration. Happy fisting!

Corinne Kai is the Managing Editor and resident sex educator at GO Magazine. You can listen to her podcast Femme, Collectively or just stalk her on Instagram. 

Have more sex questions? Leave a comment below or email corinne@gomag.com and come back for more every Friday! 

The advice offered in this column is intended for informational purposes only and should not replace or substitute for any medical, or other professional advice or help. For concerns requiring psychological or medical advice, please consult with an appropriately trained and qualified specialist This column, its author, the magazine and publisher are not responsible for the outcome or results of following any advice contained within this column.