It’s official: Hot Girl Summer is coming to a close! As we exit the season best known for sipping fruity drinks and lounging at the gay beach, we find ourselves entering a season known only as Cuffing Season (DUN DUN DUN). Cuffing Season is defined by the Urban Dictionary as, “a time during Fall and Winter when people who would normally rather be single or promiscuous find themselves along with the rest of the world desiring to be ‘cuffed’ or tied down by a serious relationship.”
The beginning of any true Cuffing Season is marked by the telltale text, email, or cold call from that one ex you can’t get away from, the one that always calls just when you’re starting to put your life back together and feel cute. Or maybe you’re the toxic ex and you’re finding yourself scrolling through your old Tinder matches now that the weather is beginning to change and wishing for what might have been had you not cheated or otherwise unraveled the relationship. Listen, we’ve all woven tangled webs. Why not weave more?! Making the rounds of missing and eventually contacting our exes (whether it be annually or constantly) is as natural and unyielding as the tides. Hell, maybe you’re right! Maybe you and Robin were made for each other!
Whatever the case, we here at GO want you to have the tools to shoot your best shot! That’s why I’ve put together a short list of lesbian films that will force you into such an intense state of nostalgia and emotional distress that you’ll have no choice but to pick up the phone, dial 911, and see what happens! Without further ado, lez go.
If you’re a Jenny (of “The L Word” and Lez Girls fame) and you drink, pretend to read, and play wayyyy too damn much, this film will be your #MOOD for the next 45 years. Since most of the film is in German, and you’ll likely just play it on TV at the artsy gay watering hole you bartend at to impress your inebriated patrons, I recommend watching on mute without subtitles.
To summarize the plot (*SPOILERS*): Rich lady meets young girl. Rich lady seduces young girl and falls in delusional love. Young girl stands there looking beautiful, popping her gum, and saying nothing. Rich lady drinks and cries in German. The End.
I mean, it’s a vibe. If you’re a libra that likes indisputably gorgeous lesbian films where the plot is light, everyone’s waif-thin, and literally NOTHING HAPPENS, this movie will make you Snapchat that model you used to date (the one that was both as pretty and as smart as Cara Delevingne). Ha cha cha!
Are you or are you not an Aries? In past relationships, would you say that you often “break up to make up?” Would your ex describe you as “loveable, loud, and vaguely mean?” Are you often referred to as a “Top,” “Daddy,” or “Jock?” If you answered yes to all these questions, then you need to watch “The Killing of Sister George.” I’ll warn you, it’s an old British movie. Maybe you prefer blockbuster action flicks by Michael Bay or Quentin Tarantino. Maybe your ex is a librarian or an academic that you dated because you think that girls with glasses are “super hot” and “opposites attract.” If so, perhaps she was always trying to get you to watch more intellectual films with a queer historical context. This could be the film that brings you two crazy kids back together! It’s a slapstick British comedy about a long-term relationship between a hot young thing and a mean old thing. The two drink excessively and run around London getting up to oodles and oodles of buffoonery and high-jinx. There’s lots of sight gags and car chases. You and your ex might enjoy the many queer historical contexts within the film coupled with the psychological subtexts therein which you can, of course, always sleep through. Sometimes the key to mending a broken connection is a simple compromise on lesbian films.
When you’re a young gay just figuring out your sexuality, sometimes all you want is to belong and to rebel against your parents. You learn quickly that there is a certain type of girlfriend for just such an occasion. Usually, you meet her at your local Gay-Straight Alliance or some such queer organization on campus. Sometimes though, if you are of a more brazen ilk, you might meet her while smoking cigarettes (or whatever you smoke) behind the school in-between classes.
“Itty Bitty Titty Committee” is a badass movie with a funny name for this type of badass gal. If you went to Smith or any other such women’s college or granola-focused institution, this one’s for you. In this film, “Step outside the system and tear it down!” is their rebel cry, and dyke drama is their love language. With a righteous punk soundtrack including OG Riot Grrrl bands like Bikini Kill & Team Dresch, “Itty Bitty Titty Committee” is the perfect visual courage for making an audacious comeback without a safety net in sight! In the cyclical game of lesbian love, “Itty Bitty” teaches us that we may lose the battle, but if we’re brave enough to crop up 6 months later with a vague apology, we might just win the war.
Lez be totally honest, we really just miss the sex. It really doesn’t matter if it was good sex or bad sex. There’s a reason why it’s called an “ex:” it’s just missing one letter. Suddenly, it’s all you can think about. Queer sex is revolutionary; it’s intimate. Whether it happens in the club or in the bedroom, the interactions that we have stay with us and inform us. Shakedown is a documentary about queer desire and, specifically, about the black queer club space. I understand the word “documentary” and the word “sexy” are rarely intersected, but I guarantee this film is both extremely poignant and remarkably impressive. Directed by Leila Weinraub, “Shakedown” chronicles an underground Black lesbian strip club in LA that operated from 2002 to 2004. The femme performance and utter badassery that exists in this film may not specifically make you call your ex, but you will need to call SOMEBODY! It might as well be your ex. Hell, maybe you can watch it together!
Welp! That’s our list of OG lesbian films! A toast to a new year and an old you! Glad to see you’re back on you BS. With that, I wish you a very “happy” reconciliation and may the bridges we burn light the way!