First dates are exhausting. Everything from constructing the perfect Tinder message, to figuring out where you’re going, to picking an outfit can feel so painfully performative. Then comes the actual date and lesbian first date questions: you’re getting to know this complete stranger who has a life entirely detached from yours, so of course it’s going to be awkward. It can be super stressful keeping an effortless conversation going on a first date, but when you start to think of dates as a silly weird human ritual, they become less daunting. After all, dating is supposed to be fun!
So forget the polite small talk, skip the weird pleasantries, and just have fun with her! By asking these exact questions.
Best Tegan and Sara album?
Contrary to popular belief, there is a correct answer to this question. The Con is objectively the best Tegan and Sara album. It’s the perfect mix of pop and punk and songs that perfectly synthesize sad lyrics with fun melodies. Can an argument be made that the best album doesn’t necessarily have to be your favorite? Yes, and if she makes that argument, she’s clearly very opinionated and well-versed in her Tegan and Sara knowledge — so she’s a keeper in my book. But beware of anyone that tries to convince you anything after Sainthood is their best. So Jealous is an acceptable alternative answer but that might also be an indication that this won’t go past a third or fourth date. Sorry, I don’t make the rules.
What did your Women’s March sign say?
This one is little tricky. I went to the first Women’s March because I felt a deep sense of defeat after Trump’s election, even as a non-citizen who is still years away from being able to vote. However, I didn’t go the second time because I was heavily reflecting on the kind of protesting that this country deems acceptable. So the perfect answer to this question would be something about how the performative nature of protesting in the era of Trump devalues the work people of color have been doing as activists for decades. But maybe she’s really cute and her sign was a decent pun and sometimes a sense of humor is just as important as a deep analysis of the state of activism in the United States. It’s all so subjective.
How many of your closest friends are exes?
We’ve all accepted at this point that dating is the most common way queer people make friends. There’s not a lot of us and if we threw away every person we had a hookup, a fling, or a long-term relationship with, we would have no friends. So I’ve become genuinely skeptical of queer people who have zero romantic history with anyone in their friend group. Maybe it’s a tired trope but I still sincerely think that falling in love with your best friend is quintessential to a complete queer experience. The way we care about each other even after somewhat nasty breakups or unrequited love is proof of how important community is. So if she hasn’t fallen in love with any of her gal pals, maybe pause the date, look at her Instagram, and help her choose which one of her friends she could see herself with. Then pick up the date again in six months when they move in together, adopt several pets, buy a car together, and ultimately decide they’re better off as friends.
Are you a sneaker gay or a combat boots gay?
The thing I was most excited about when I started dating women was the potential of sharing clothes. Also women. I quickly realized, however, that I am extremely picky about the way I dress and the only thing I’m open to sharing are shoes. So knowing what kinds of shoes a girl tends to wear is an important deciding factor the longevity of our relationship. I’m a combat boot dyke, so dating a sneaker dyke would be the perfect balance. A home exclusively full of combat boots is a home without friction and that gets boring. Being similar enough that you get along but so different that you keep it interesting is the perfect balance. There are femme-for-femme and butch-for-butch and butch-for-femme couples but where are the Nike-for-Doc-Marten couples?
Who wore a tank top better, Corky or Ripley?
For a long time, I fully believed that Gina Gershon in Bound had a monopoly on tank tops. I mean, I was truly shocked when I saw her in a context that wasn’t that movie. Then I finally got around to watching Alien and that one scene at the end — you know, the one where Sigourney Weaver strips down to her underwear because she thinks she defeated the alien — made me really reconsider it. I don’t think there is a correct answer to this question; they both look great in tank tops. I do feel like a Gina Gershon stan would be a fun and tumultuous but brief affair and a Sigourney Weaver stan would be a loving, deep, long-term relationship that would end amicably. Either one is fine by me but it’s nice to know what I’m in for right up top.
Which L Word season are you?
There are a million and one online quizzes that tell you which L Word character you are. I’m personally a Carmen sun, Jenny moon, and Bette rising. While that’s fun to find out, all the characters in that show except for Jenny go through absolutely no character development. Figuring out which season of The L Word you are is so much more interesting because every season starts out okay but then just goes through the most and by the end you’re very confused about why you’re even watching the show. A season 1 is a baby gay, she’s still figuring it out and if you’re further along in your gay journey it might be hard to relate to each other. A season 2 is boring and forgettable. I mean I truly don’t remember what happened in that season except for Alice and Dana, the relationship that was never given a real chance. A season 3 is the girl of your dreams that will definitely break your heart but it might just be worth it. A season 4 is going to give you the perfect adult relationship with the right amount of highs and lows. A season 5 is the girl all your friends are telling you is insane but you refuse to listen because she’s hot and she has a good heart, you think. A season 6 is unnecessarily and excessively problematic and she honestly just might actually kill you. I’ve thought about this a lot.
What’s the order of the things Alanis Morissette is doing with her other hand?
Alanis Morissette is the epitome of the ’90s pop-punk girl of your baby dyke dreams. I have on multiple occasions stayed home on a Saturday nights to listen to the acoustic, remastered, and original versions of Jagged Little Pill because it’s a perfect album. I think asking girls to name the things Alanis is doing with her other hand in “Hand in My Pocket,” in order of course, is the perfect litmus test to see if a second date is even an option. Do you really want to introduce your parents to someone who doesn’t know that it’s high five, cigarette, piano, peace sign, and taxi cab? Your mother will hate her. If she gets all of them but they’re not in the correct order take her out again just to give her a second chance and ask her about the tracklist of Tori Amos’ Little Earthquakes.
Where are you on the f*ckboi to manic pixie dream girl spectrum?
This is my very own Kinsey scale and I’ve decided that every queer woman falls somewhere along this spectrum whether or not they’re aware of it. This came to me after watching Alia Shawkat’s film Duck Butter. The two main characters are the exact opposite ends of the spectrum, a f*ckboi who has a hard time being vulnerable and a manic pixie dream girl who corners people into intimacy. I personally fall exactly in the middle because I use humor as a coping mechanism for dealing with real trauma but also I do things like write poems and make playlists for any girl who gives me attention for more than ten minutes. Knowing where your date is on the spectrum can give you a very good indication of the type of dynamic you’ll have and whether or not that dynamic will be sustainable.
Favorite straight lesbian movie?
Hollywood is obsessed with robbing queer women of good romantic movies by not being able to conceptualize female relationships as anything more than friendships. A lot of the time we have to find queerness in straight storylines and while we should have content catered to us, this is also kind of fun sometimes. There is an endless list of movies that are clearly supposed to be queer, from Fried Green Tomatoes to Bend It like Beckham. Anyone whose answer to this question is a Julia Stiles movies, especially if it’s The Prince and Me or 10 Things I Hate About You is someone I want to know. Sisterhood of the Traveling Pants is another suitable answer because does any lesbian remember anything about that movie other than Blake Lively playing soccer? I don’t.
Have you at any point in your life thought you were a witch?
I don’t know why lesbians are obsessed with witchcraft. That’s not true — The Craft is why. I am not superstitious at all — I love witches in theory but I just don’t think they exist in this world. Have I dated girls that sincerely believed at some point in their lives that they were full witches? Yes. For me, that’s a major red flag but I’m sure there are some dope lesbian witch couples living their best lives out there and I’m glad they’ve found each other. Queer women in general are weirdly superstitious, and I feel like whoever or whatever made me gay forgot that part. I can barely indulge astrology; witchcraft is just a few steps further than I can go.
I can’t guarantee that you’ll find the love of your life on your first date using these questions, but I can guarantee that you’ll have some fun conversations, and that’s really what dating is supposed to be. So get swiping or go out or do whatever you do to get girls to talk to you and maybe just cut yourself some slack on your next first date. We’re all trying our best here.
