Ah, hooking up. Is there ~anything~ better than it? When you finally leave to go be gross in peace.
There are few things I’m more passionate about than orgasms, but there are some things you just simply can’t do in front of a new person that’s making you orgasm. If you’ve spent a lot of time at you’re hook-up’s place, first of all, congrats, you probably just had a lot of sex, but also, like, I’m sorry you have had to hold in a fart for eight hours. Here are all the things you can’t wait to do once you come home freshly sexed:
1. Eat like a slob
I know it’s totally high school that I hate eating in front of someone I’m attracted to. Partially because triggering a stomach ~issue~ at a hook-up’s is my number one fear. So there is nothing better than getting home from a hookup, drunk and starving, and proceeding to stuff myself.
2. Put on the most unsexy pajamas ever
Lingerie off, oversized t-shirt on. My roommate works for a record label and gave me a promotional t-shirt that says “Sniper Gang.” I have no idea who “Sniper Gang” is, but I can’t stop putting on the shirt as soon as I walk into my apartment. It’s my strange addiction.
3. TAKE A SHIT
Or, alternatively, you’ve held it in so long you are now constipated (AKA the worst). Don’t act like you haven’t prayed to God that you won’t shit the bed during morning sex!
4. Obsess over your date
You’ve managed to play it cool and not let your date know you’re low-key obsessed with them, but you can tell your friends that you are! If they are real ones, they’ll let you recount every waking detail.
5. Anxiety spiral
Did I overshare? Did she really cum? Does her roommate know about my daddy kink?
If you don’t fart your life away after returning home from a hook up’s house, you’re lying.
7. Facial hair removal if you’re Italian
Maybe this is just a *me* problem but I anxiously inspect my beard and mustache when returning home from a hook-ups house. I know, it’s gross AF, but I am Italian AF, and my hair grows fast AF.
8. Just be super gross — like any and all of this secret single behavior
Like clipping your toenails on the couch.
Because you’re still fantasizing about the sex you just had.
10. Resist the urge to text your hook-up
Must. Play. It. Cool.