The Zodiac According To Queer Strippers

Aquarius strippers are quite literally out of this world.

Photo by iStock

Queer babes and sex workers LOVE astrology. We can often be found asking others, “what’s your sign?” or avoiding dating an entire population based on their birth month. Astrology is important to us. And to me, as a queer stripper.

So I’m here to tell you what kind of stripper you’d be, according to your zodiac sign. Are you the high femme fatale babe with red lips and long lashes, or are you the dark and mysterious babe dressed in all black with thigh-high boots? How would you dance? Most importantly, how would you hustle? Hustle has a lot to do with the stars, after all. It’s about grit, boldness, resilience, and a determination that doesn’t quit.

Which aspects of your chart would lend themselves to success in the strip club? Below are the twelve signs of the zodiac, organized from most at home in the hustle, to those whose hustle is a hard-earned craft.

Sagittarius: Bold and to the Point

Where to start with Sag strippers? Sagittarius energy is a party on two long, long legs. You’ll always know a Sagittarius by the way they burst into the dressing room, already in mid-conversation with whoever is in there before even seeing who it is. A Sagittarius is everyone’s wild friend. And everyone knows their business, mostly because they’re so damn loud about it. The Sag strippers I know are hilarious. Like their Aries siblings, they’re the most likely to bro out with customers and to be disarmingly casual, with their make-up understated and flawless, their hair in a ponytail reminiscent of the centaur that represents them. They’re also some of the most likely to stand at the tip rail, unabashed, and stare down a cheap customer until he’s shamed into handing over their due. Bold, blunt, impatient, and full of raucous laughter, Sag energy draws the eye of everyone in the room.

Aquarius: Endlessly Energized

Aquarius strippers are quite literally out of this world. Aliens in plastic heels, the best part of an Aquarius stripper’s hustle is a relentless pursuit of their goals. They know what they’re owed, and they don’t let emotions get in the way of securing the bag each night. The most successful dancer at my club is an Aquarius. She’s about fifteen years older than I am, and Spanish is her first language. But night after night, she’s out of the dressing room—while the rest of us are trying to stick our eyelashes on our faces—hustling men who can’t understand a word she’s saying into private dance after private dance. We’ve all had bad nights, yet even at the end of the slowest shift, she’s still positive and upbeat, emotionally untouched by the rejections that we all have to roll with as strippers, dancing up joyfully, if sleepily, on her coworkers. And she’s ready to do it all again tomorrow.

Taurus: Slow and Steady

The hustle of a Taurus is truly a thing to behold. The only reason Taurus isn’t at the very top of the list is that, in my experience, heavily Taurus-dominant strippers can be a little shy or a little lazy. And the best piece of stripping advice that I’ve ever gotten was from The Dancer’s Resource: Approach everyone in the room, because it only takes one. But aside from some reluctance—whether shyness or laziness—Taurus strippers have a hustle down pat. Taurus strippers don’t ask for a tip, or for a dance, or to wile away the hours in VIP; they expect it. The Taurus strippers I know have their customers on lock. Some Taurus strippers don’t even have to dance. Their customers come in and know to just hand them the cash, buy them the drinks, and bask in their Venus-ruled presence. Taurus energy is slow, sexy, and understated. They’re naturals.

Aries: Sweet Fantasy

As an Aries stripper myself, I can say with certainty that the thing that helps me most at the club is my energy. I never run out of it. To be honest, I wouldn’t be able to do this job if I wasn’t an Aries—not while dealing with a full course load, an internship, and a freelance hustle on the side. Aries is the first sign of the zodiac, too, so Aries-dominant strippers also have an air of innocence to them—not sweetness, exactly, but a certain guilelessness or even naivety that creates an appealing fantasy for customers. We’re “real.” The downside to this is our vibe is just a fantasy, and—like all Aries-dominants—if customers try to pursue that outside of the bounds of the club, I get angry. And you don’t ever wanna see an Aries angry.

Scorpio: Make ‘Em Beg For It

There isn’t all that much to say about Scorpio strippers, mostly because you’re struck speechless when you see them. Scorpio strippers are stunning. They are sultry and seductive—all sinuous, slinky grace. Unlike the boundless enthusiasm of an Aries, Scorpios have the same intensity but in a quiet, mysterious way. They draw customers to them like flies to honey, all while never revealing a thing about themselves. If any type of stripper were to be revealed to be a succubus, I would be least surprised to know that it was a Scorpio. A Scorpio Mars is also a force to be reckoned with. What Scorpio wants, Scorpio gets, and they’ll make you beg them to take it from you. And then they’ll make you say, “thank you.”

Gemini: Knowledge Is Power

I’ve said it before, and I’ll say it again: Gemini energy is adaptable, and Gemini strippers are the same. You’ll never know what you get with a Gemini stripper. They can talk your ear off about anything, and while Geminis get a bad rep for being liars, the fact that a Gemini knows so much doesn’t mean they’re lying. They know a lot because they’re interested in everything, and develop a working knowledge of a truly shocking amount of topics. In a job that relies on talking as much as being a stripper does (and truly, it’s more than you even imagine—most of my night is spent chatting people up rather than grinding on them), Gemini reigns supreme.

Libra: The Fairest Of Them All

Libras are likable. They’re the princesses of the zodiac: sweet, diplomatic, and able to see the good in everyone—or at least make everyone feel like they’re seeing the good in them. They’re also beautiful. Their appeal contains a similar naturalness as their sister sign, Aries. (A sister sign is a sign located six months away, and its energy is complementary.) But while Aries energy is rough and tumble, ready for another shot, or to punch you in the face, Libra’s natural energy is gentle. Libras are fair, both in terms of doing what is right (unsurprising, since Libra is represented by the scales), but also in terms of the fairy tale definition of fair, as in, Who’s the fairest one of all?  

Leo: Lioness

Leo strippers are the center of attention. The movie star with a lion’s mane flying through the air as they toss their head to the dirty, sexy chords of a rock song. Like the fire signs before them, Leos are riveting without even trying. They also know their due, and that due comes in the form of cold hard cash, the three digits on the back of your credit card number, or a direct deposit into their Venmo account if you don’t want to get up to go to the ATM. The only reason Leos are this far down the list is that they’re more sensitive than both Aries and Sagittarius. Leos love praise, and sometimes, rude customers can throw them off their game. Once they overcome that, though, a Leo stripper is not someone to be trifled with.

Virgo: Don’t F*ck With My Sweetness

Oh, Virgo. Virgo is the virgin, but Virgo strippers are anything but innocent. In Greek mythology, the virgin goddesses were the most powerful, and their power came from the fact that they were untouchable, unattainable, and always out of reach. Artemis, the huntress, was a virgin goddess, as was Athena, the goddess of wisdom and war. And while Virgo strippers can vary from sweet and innocent to if-you-try-to-touch-me-again-you-won’t-have-fingers-to-text-with, there is one thing they have in common: money. Your money? It’s theirs now.

Capricorn: Dominating

I have four planets in Capricorn, which makes me a Capricorn stellium. (A stellium occurs when you have three or more planets in a house or in a single sign.) Capricorn energy is the very spirit of hustle. Which is why it was surprising to me that I ranked it down this far on the list. After all, Capricorn is a boss. Yet, the hustle you cultivate inside a strip club isn’t about being the boss, it’s about being the life of the party. This can sometimes be hard for Capricorn, which is steadier, more stable energy, less prone to impulsivity, or even fun. I say this with all the fondness because my Capricorn stellium is also perhaps my favorite part of my chart. Where my Aries, also a stellium for me, provides the energy to do all the things I need to do, my Capricorn gives me the determination and discipline. (It also makes me a wizard at saving money.) Still, Cap is kind of a grump; we’d rather just tell you what to do than flirt you into doing it. (Maybe Caps make excellent dominatrices? Maybe I need a career change.) Still, don’t be fooled: symbolized by the sea goat, underneath that tough, gritty, mountain-goat top half, there’s a deep, sensuous nature that just needs a little prodding—or some Redbull vodkas—to unlock.

Pisces: Telepathic 

Pisces strippers are gifted with some of the best intuition I’ve ever experienced. Seriously, they’re almost like telepaths. They are excellent at tapping into the emotions of their clients and making them feel heard. But wading through all those emotions can be hard—and from all that empathy, Pisces dominant strippers might find themselves tapped out sooner rather than later. The Pisces stripper needs to remember to save some of her emotional energy for herself. 

Cancer: Emotional Babe

Pisces and Cancer have similar approaches to strip club life. The deep sensitivity of Cancers makes them extremely well cut out for this job, which a lot of times involves sitting with sad and lonely men, helping them feel their feelings. Still, Cancer can be shy and guarded. It takes a lot to entice the crab out of its shell. But once they are out, Cancers are next level nurturers—you can’t sit with a Cancer and leave without feeling a little bit healed.

A stripper’s hustle is made up of so much more than her sun sign, and just because these are my experiences at my club, doesn’t mean that this is the definitive stripper zodiac. Still, it’s fun to think about. And if you’re anything like me, once you identify how your chart serves you, and how it maybe sometimes holds you back, it becomes easier to identify which parts of yourself you can call upon in different situations. A hustle is nothing more than the ability to roll with the punches in the direction that you intend. Sometimes the stars just happen to help light your way.

What Do You Think?

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