Lesbian Bed Death: What Is It And How To Bounce Back
Is Lesbian Bed Death a myth or a sad reality? How can you fix it? Sex educator Maya Walsh-Little has the advice for you.
Mainstream culture says two inevitable things happen in every long-term lesbian relationship: u-hauling and lesbian bed death. The first might actually have some scientific basis, but lesbian bed death is an unfortunate cultural myth and phenomenon that has taken up too much space in the lesbian community. In order to eliminate this pervasive myth from sapphic cultural jargon, we need to break down what lesbian bed death is, why it’s normal for couples to go through periods without sex, and how to reconnect after!
What is lesbian bed death?
Lesbian bed death is the myth that lesbian couples in long-term relationships have an unavoidable fate of not engaging in any type of sex (or very little) after being together for a while. It reinforces heteronormative ideas about what sex is and how lesbian sexual identity is informed only by straight values about sex and intimacy.
Do lesbians in long-term relationships need to be worried?
No! Absolutely not! The reality is straight people, queer people, and lesbians alike all experience ebbs and flows with the amount of sex they’re having in their relationships, and it’s completely normal. The amount of sex you are having doesn’t define your relationship, and what’s most important is the pleasure, connection, and intimacy you feel with your partner, which can happen both in and out of sex.
Why do periods of no sex happen?
The honest answer is life! Most of the time, when we go through periods of little to no sex with our partner, it almost always has to do with our circumstances. Whether you have more work from your job, you’re on a new medication, you’ve been dealing with depression or self-esteem issues, or any of the endless factors that affect our desire for sex. Periods of time where there is less frequent, or even no sex, happen to everyone, regardless of your relationship or sexuality. If that happens, it can sometimes be challenging to figure out how to reconnect with your partner, but here are a few suggestions to get you started.
Prioritize intimacy outside the bedroom.
When do you feel most connected to your partner? Is it after going on a date? Trying a new restaurant together? Catching up on your days? Vegging out and watching your favorite show after work? For a lot of people, feeling love and connection outside of sex can be one of the most important determinants of igniting a desire for sex. Whether it’s non-sexual physical intimacy like holding your partner’s hand or giving them a massage, to engaging in emotionally intimate conversations and experiences, deepening your bond with your partner can arouse an organic want for sex after a period of not having any.
Try taking sex off the table and see what happens!
Yes, you heard me right! You’re probably thinking it sounds counterintuitive when you’re already not having sex to take sex off the table, but the reality is that sex is as much a physical experience as it is a mental one. We often don’t give enough credit to how much feeling pressure around having sex (whether that be from yourself, a projection of what your partner feels, or what society thinks) can create so much anxiety and avoidance around initiating sex. For some people, mental hurdles around performance and pressure can be some of the biggest obstacles to getting out of a sex slump. When we intentionally and consensually “take away” sex, we are sometimes able to remove the mental demand for sex and become more in touch with our relaxed state of desire. Sex should be something you want to do, not something you feel you have to do.
Approach your partner (and yourself) with curiosity, not expectations.
This starts with knowing how you experience sexual desire! For many people, feeling sexual desire and a want for sex often emerges through the sensation of touch and foreplay, not just a random feeling out of nowhere. This also means that it can be easier to nurture desire when there aren’t any rules or guidelines for sex. Let any expectations for how sex with your partner has previously gone and focus on physical intimacy, like kissing, cuddling, and touching, without any endpoint in mind. Purposefully taking sex “off the table” can help you become more confident in initiating and engaging in physical intimacy if you know there’s not a set “end goal.”
Make a yes/no/maybe list
Let your fantasy take over! Talking about sexual desire helps both you and your partner be more in touch with what you want out of sex and how you each define pleasure. Talking about sex after a period of no sex can help encourage connection and self-introspection to feel empowered about your sexual values and preferences. One place to start might be filling out a yes/no/maybe list and comparing notes with your partner to get your creative juices (and hopefully others) flowing, but if you’re not feeling as fancy, making a sexual bucket and fantasy list is also a great jumping-off point. Verbally saying your desires can be vulnerable, but it can also open up the possibility to bond with your partner and bring sex back into the picture by laying out a map of where to start if you’re unsure.
So, if you ever find your relationship in one of life’s inevitable ebbs and flows, I’m here to remind you that it’s normal, and there are ways to put yourself back in the driver’s seat.
Maya is a Brooklyn-based sex educator to students in NYC and a sexuality/ relationships writer. She loves educating people about queerness, pleasure, safety, and exploration. You can find her on Instagram @mayawl.
