Marathon dates: sometimes we cherish them, sometimes they leave us un-showered and brokenhearted. I’m a sapphic hopeless romantic, so I’ve become familiar with these extended dates. So familiar, that when my straight friends text me at 3 pm to say their date just ended, it doesn’t occur to me that it could’ve been an early afternoon coffee meet-up.
Despite being a common occurrence in the lesbian dating scene, my straight friends are flabbergasted when I tell them I was with someone for more than five hours. And so for your queer convenience, I’ve come up with a step-by-step guide on how to explain the intricacies of a long lesbian date to your straight friends.
Hours 1-3: We’re Talking at the Bar
The ultimate move for two people who are trying to figure out if they should kiss is ordering that third drink. This takes the conversation from “What type of music do you like?” to “What made you let your best friend back into your life after she cut your American girl doll’s hair off?”
Hour 3-3:30: Figuring Out Where to Go Next Because the First Bar Closed
After a while, the bartender may interrupt your date and share that, unfortunately, they actually close at 1 am. This leaves the hey how much do you care about your job? dance you both do when debating whether to extend the night to another bar. This also applies to daytime dates. If you are hanging out at a coffee shop that closes at 3 pm, you have to factor in if dinner is in your queer future.
Hour 3:30-4: We’re Fighting Over the Check
Masc or femme — it doesn’t matter — each person always has a reason they believe it is their responsibility. I once had a girl steal my debit card out of my hand and put it in her bra after a pretty solid couple of minutes of back and forth.
Hours 4-6: Yes, We Actually Have Sex, Straight People
Each time someone asks me what I did on a 15-hour date, I’m like, what do you think I was preparing for when I watched all those Brittney and Santana scenes on Glee?
Hour 6-6:30: We Cave and Show Each Other the Stuffed Animals That We Tried to Hide From Each Other
Every time I bring someone back and don’t let them into my room so I can “freshen up,” it’s because I’m busy clearing clothes off my bed and finding a respectful place to hide my beloved stuffed bear, Shelly. After a while, Shelly might surface. This will leave me to explain that yeah, I got her when I was younger, I’ve taken her everywhere, and she means everything to me, blah blah. And if we’re being really vulnerable, I might even be honest about the last time I washed her.
Hours 6:30-9: Sleep
As much as neither of us wants to do this part, it ends up happening, but never for long at all. This is usually followed by more cuddling and sharing that we dreamed about each other.
Hours 9-10: We’re Ladies Who Brunch In Bed
Although Billie Eilish said “she could eat that girl for lunch,” her stomach won’t be full. To keep our energy up during the long date, we’ll refuel by DoorDashing and giggling in bed.
Hours 10-11: Women, We Be Thrifting
Straight people never understand that shopping can be a date. But what are you going to wear if you only have your clothes from yesterday? One of the joys of being queer is shared interests that allow us to have dates like this where we accept one another’s appreciation for secondhand flannel, get spooked together over haunted, unwanted porcelain doll collections, and maybe make out in the fitting room.
Hours 11-12: We’re Filing for a Joint Bank Account
One of the things that makes a date so long is that after hour one, we’ve decided we’re probably going to be together forever so we have to start acting like it. Gathering assets is a great way to really get to know one another.
Hour 12-14: We Have to Say Goodbye in the Most Dramatic Way Possible
No queer date ends with a simple “see ya around.” In our community, a date must end with a meaningful “I feel so comfortable around you and I don’t want to leave this moment,” speech, in between smooches. Each poetic goodbye somehow relates to a story one of you forgot to tell the other earlier that you’re dying to share. Once you dry your tears because of the rollercoaster you’ve been on for the past 14 hours, you are finally ready to leave and go to work.
Overall, straight people will never understand the depth of connection that occurs during a famously long lesbian date, and that’s fine, it’s not for them. With all the fast intensity and emotions, who knows if it’s really for us either? But for now, I’m proud to unknowingly wear someone else’s lipstick the whole subway ride home at 4 pm as a badge of honor, and excited to pack my bag for whatever timeshare we buy on our next date.
