What are the two great lesbian loves? No, not quinoa and The Indigo Girls. It’s horoscopes and “The L Word.” Which is why, my dear lesbian, I would like to bestow this gift upon your gay ass: your L Word alter ego according to your zodiac sign. If you don’t fully believe in the zodiac, first of all, you’re wrong, but secondly, if anything can change your mind, it’s this.
Aries
Helena Peabody
Aries, you like to be in control but aren’t extra AF about it (I’m looking at you, Leo). Like Helena, you’re passionate and confident. You hate being stagnant and doing nothing– so much, in fact, that you might make some questionable decisions just to keep busy. Kind of like when Helena became a world-traveling illegal gambler with that hot AF, sketchy AF brunette. But when you want something, you go for it in the best way. Like when Helena fell in love with Dusty in prison and ran away to be with her. Sigh. You’re such a romantic.
Taurus
Shane McCutcheon
Taurus, you. are. set. in. your. ways. You are stubborn AF and hate change. But you’re also irresistibly sexy, so, like, you win. You’re also reliable and patient. Like Shane, you can be a player when it comes to lovers but you are the most loyal friend anyone could ever have. You might play games with the ladies, but you are the friend that is there for Jenny when she has a full-blown mental breakdown, is there for Alice when she is so unstable that she gets a cardboard cut out of Dana, and is there for Tina when her sperm donor’s girlfriend went bonkers. Once you peel back your mystery and swagginess, you have a big heart. You may date two girls at the same time, but you are the first one to give up your seat on the subway for that adorable old man.
Gemini
Jenny Schecter
Okay, hear me out. Geminis get a bad rep. And so does Jenny. But you know what? “The L Word” wouldn’t be nearly as entertaining without Jenny’s insanity and the world would be dark and gray and boring without Geminis. You are curious about life, eager to learn and teach, and are wildly innovative. Sure, you might put a dog down (RIP Sounder) to get back at a bad review from a book critique, but no one can say you’re not creative. You’re also tenacious in the face of rejection. Sometimes you can be even a little delusional about your talents, but in the end, it fuels your motivation. You might write a whole bunch of trippy-ass pseudo-experimental stories about manatees, but at the end of the day, you’re going to have a badass book deal that turns into a movie. You also look amazing with bangs.
Cancer
Max Sweeney
Max is SUCH a Cancer. He’s emotional, romantic, and kind. He’s also needy AF just like you, dear Cancer lez! It’s nothing to be ashamed of– you just have a little more feels than the average babe. With great moodiness comes great passion and creativity. One minute you’re going on a super weird pessimistic rant about female lobsters boiling alive (WTF was that about Max?), and the next minute you’re taking your bae for a nice slow dance at the local gay bar. You can be insecure about your relationships, but that’s only because you love your partners so fiercely. Once you commit to someone, you will do anything for them.
Leo
Alice Pieszecki
You are beautiful and perfect and creative. (I’m a Leo.) Also you are obnoxious, self-absorbed and reckless. (I’m a Leo.) Like Alice, you are hilarious, kind-hearted, and the life of the party. You’d excel as a radio host (like Alice), performer, or in some other attention-seeking job. You were born for the spotlight. You also run the risk of abusing it, like when Alice outed that closeted athlete in the name of “righteousness.” She actually thought she was doing the right thing. That’s the thing about Leos: they are so wrapped up in their vision, they don’t see the full picture and how they might hurt people. You also have the potential to get a little unhinged — remember the Dana Fairbanks cardboard cutout? But overall, you are one fun babe to be around.
Virgo
Carmen de la Pica Morales
Congrats, you’re the hottest cast member of “The L Word.” You also fall for the wrong people (and will potentially get left at the altar if you don’t get your ass in check, girl). You crave a long-lasting, deep connection, but you find yourself paling for f*ckboys. Why is that? Because you are also a *tiny bit* scared to open up. You have the hot girl mysterious vibe of, she’s been through some shit and a f*ckboy can’t resist the mystique and energetic pull of the complicated girl. But it’s time to stop being scared of emotional intimacy and go after the real relationship you want, minus the games. Enough about relationships. Like Carmen, you are hard working (DJ-ing isn’t easy!) dedicated to your family (so much so that you’ll stay in the closet for them) and eager to take care of children and the elderly. You have a beautiful heart.
Libra
Dana Fairbanks
Libra is the most universally liked sign and Dana is the most universally liked L Word babe. Social (but delightfully awkward), fair-minded, and gentle, everyone should have a Libra as a best friend. Like Dana, you hate confrontation and will do anything to avoid it. But when you push through your shyness, you are often rewarded (like the time you had a steamy make out with Chef Laura in the country club locker room.) You love sports, the outdoors, and general harmony. You are an even-keeled person to be around, and you’re the friend that usually plans the vacations. You can be extravagant but are always practical. You are also adorable.
Scorpio
Papi
We all know: Scorpios have the most sex appeal of the zodiac. It’s not even necessarily how you look: it’s the sensual energy you effortlessly exude, babe. Whether your sexuality is in-your-face like Papi’s or it’s more subtle, no one can deny that you have ~something~ about you. You’re also amazing in bed. (Remember ‘circles are good Papi’ in the back of the limo?) You dirty girl you. You are also the definition of a true friend. If your girl’s in trouble, you’ll be the first to answer the phone. You can also be jealous and competitive (like when you created an imaginary sex competition with Shane then challenged her squad to a basketball game to settle your differences. WTF?) but it usually gets you ahead in life so don’t dull your competitive streak. Keep being hot and aggressive: we all love it.
Sagittarius
Tina Kennard
Sagittarius loves an intellectual, stimulating partner, and that’s why you put up with Bette’s bullshit, isn’t it? I don’t blame you, dear Sagittarius. You also love life and culture, and are always craving new knowledge and experience. Once you have a vision in your mind, you stop at nothing to achieve it. Due to your caring nature, you might think you crave a domestic life, but eventually, you’ll want to be the head of a movie set entitled “Les Girls.” You are also impatient and don’t think before you speak. (Like when you flipped a table and said DID YOU F*CK HER ALL NIGHT BEFORE YOU TOLD HER I WAS THE LOVE OF YOUR LIFE?) You are friendly and outgoing and run with many friend circles. Keep going out and getting cultured — especially to art museums. It’s where you might meet the hot power lez of your dreams.
Capricorn
Bette Porter
Hi sexy. You like being in control, so much so that others might start to resent you for it (when they’re not turned on by it.) You are the queen of discipline and self-control, and you always get shit done. If you have a goal, you will stop at nothing to achieve it. Some might even describe you as ruthless. But at the end of the day, despite your thirst for control, accomplishment and power, you are very family-oriented. You love being surrounded by your loved ones, and hate hurting them, even if you inevitably do. (Remember the affair with the plumber?) You have a tremendous responsibility to yourself, the causes you believe in, your career, and the people you love. If you can learn to balance all of these responsibilities, you really can have it all. And you look amazing in a suit. Just saying.
Aquarius
Jodi Lerner
Of course the Aquarius is the artist of the bunch. Like Jodi, you are creative, independent, and original. At the same time, you can be emotionally aloof and uncompromising (like when you completely failed to let Bette know that you’re polyamorous). You love an intense intellectual debate: it’s what feeds your soul when you’re not enjoying your alone time, creating. You hate broken promises, and when people don’t act out of integrity, but once you fall for someone and break down your emotional walls, it can be hard — almost impossible — to let go. (It wasn’t a good look, begging Bette to stay with you after she cheated, but, like, I get it, girl.) You have an undeniable charm due to your communicativeness, but also a sensual allure because you don’t give it all up right away. There are layers to peel back.
Pisces
Marina Ferrer
Marina is a textbook Pisces and so are you. Gracious, intuitive, and gentle, it was impossible for Jenny not to fall for you. Especially since you both love Anne Carson. It’s also no surprise that you went a little cray cray because Pisces can be #sadgirls and have the intense desire to escape from reality. You also have the tendency to act like a victim — like when you took no responsibility for your part in Jenny’s affair. You’re friendly, so it makes sense that you’d run the local queer cafe. You are also a romantic at heart. You are so dreamy that even the new straight girl gets a chill up her spine when you talk about poetry and art. Channel some of your romance into your own goals and art, and see how beautiful your life can be.
