Your Gay Coffee Shop Order Based On Your Zodiac Sign

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We all know your morning coffee can set the tone for your day, giving you that burst of caffeine to power you through a long day of being queer despite the world’s complicated state of affairs.

My qualifications include: Former Dunkin’ Donuts employee and barista at a local coffee shop throughout the COVID pandemic. I’ve also dated two picky baristas because I love broke girls (and free coffee). All of these orders can be made at your favorite queer coffee shop, where hopefully someone hot with colorful dyed hair will admire your ring collection or clock your carabiner as you walk in. 

Obviously, substitute these orders with your favorite alternative milk. And sorry to you trendsetters, but there is no matcha to be found here.

Aries — Espresso Over Ice for quick energy

In order to fuel up for typical Aries adventures—clocking bullshit from an ex or working hard at your latest side hustle—you need a boost that will deliver ASAP. A couple of shots of espresso is no frills and will get you out the door so you can head straight to the office.

Taurus — Iced Chai to sip and go back to bed.

My fellow Tauruses love a slow morning and need a gentle caffeine intake that they can sip while scrolling and regrettably hitting snooze. An iced chai latte delivers with warm spices and black tea for energy. Whether your cafe serves its own concentrate or you rely on the Trader Joe’s premade blend, you can’t go wrong indulging in this.

Gemini — Regular Iced Coffee curated for your mood(s)

Yes, I had to give Geminis two options as the most fickle of the zodiac signs. While they preach that they “don’t care” about coffee, they secretly preplan their whole bean purchases while writing their grocery store list. You know that a simple iced coffee with oat milk and vanilla makes all the difference if we’re talking Brazilian or Colombian beans, so be honest and acknowledge that you’re reviewing the blend as you wait in line. 

Cancer — Flavored Frappe for your inner child 

For the gentle water sign, treating yourself to that sugary morning latte is another way of showing yourself self-love first thing in the AM. Rather than asking the barista to make your drink ‘on the sweeter side’, let’s go ahead and get that blended caramel frappe. Just like you, it’s syrupy and not too problematic. 

Leo — Brown Sugar Shaken Espresso

You might get shade for this being a popular coffee order since it came on the scene at Starbucks in 2021, but you proudly boast this as your tried and true. The sweet-cinnamon combo is a match made in heaven, and you love seeing the barista rock the cocktail shaker so you know yours is next up on the bar. Your confidence is so radiating that other lesbians in line likely copy you to get a taste of your main-character energy.

Virgo — A cappuccino just how you like it

Baristas can spot a particular Virgo from a mile away. Going above and beyond like always, you’re not afraid to order that drink extra-hot or acknowledge the need for extra foam. I’m sure you know which café in your neighborhood makes the best a cappuccino and have perfected your coffee (and martini) order over the years. Whatever you say, beautiful! 

Libra — Caffe Breve to restore order

Needing the best of both worlds and little flair, I’m giving the balance-loving Libra a caffe-breve: an American take on the classic Italian order. You know the even espresso/milk blend is just enough for a rich coffee experience, and that barista-blend oat milk can get the job done as well as any half-and-half.

Scorpio — Red Eye for the mystery 

I guarantee the Dark and Stormy alcoholic drink, as well as the Red Eye, were named after a meeting with the piercing gaze of a Scorpio. As a secretive water sign known for keeping things direct, a dark brew with a shot of espresso isn’t playing around (which you appreciate).

Sagittarius — Traditional Cold Brew because you’ve got places to be!

Given Sag’s impulse, this is only one of many coffee shop visits in your day, needing multiple little pick-me-ups for your side quests on any given day. An iced cold brew is your go-to, knowing it’ll be in and out the door and is already made for you- yet somehow you keep your friends waiting on plans.

Capricorn — French Press you bought in another country

This Earth sign’s hard-working nature needs to be reflected in the coffee-making process. From your internationally shipped French press to practicing your pour-over techniques, you appreciate the aromas and taste profiles that come out from unconventional methods. That extra five-to-eight-minute wait means nothing to you in the long run. 

Aquarius — Iced latte with seasonal syrup

Aquarius is always living for something new and fresh, and for the rising price of alternative milk, they need to make it worth their while. You love to switch it up and see what seasonal flavors or drinks your local spot has to offer, taking it one day at a time. This zodiac sign is most likely to swoon over their favorite queer barista and ask them for a surprise drink as well (we appreciate you, too, queen).

Pisces — London Fog for the dreamers

Soft and open-hearted, Pisces is not one for needing extra espresso after their morning pages. Likely preferring a tea to coffee any day, a steamy London Fog is your favored drink with its mysterious Earl Grey tea and sweet vanilla. Bonus if you’re asking for added rose or raspberry in this for an extra-cozy air.

Of course, this list does not forcibly pin your sign to a drink, but any barista will tell you it’s fun to assume a customer based on their order—whether you’re an east coaster loyal to Dunkin or a city girl who loves trying NYC’s trending cafes. All’s fair in love and coffee.