Ah, weddings. The heterosexual ceremony of love between a woman and a guy she met in college wasn’t really designed with us sapphics in mind. So how do you celebrate the union between you and the queer dog walker you bumped into on the street? Or the entrepreneurial babe from your lesbian soccer league? Or your best friend from high school? (Just kidding, that last one never really happens, sorry y’all.)
It’s only been nine years since the United States legalized gay marriage, but from scrapbooking to furniture building, lesbians have been crafty since the invention of the tool box. It’s up to us to create new traditions of celebrating our unique love. In queer spirit, here are some of the coolest ways to gay up your big day.
Customized Scissors For Favors
Everyone knows what’s going down on your wedding night, so embrace this iconic stereotype with your name and wedding date as a goodie bag gift. Customized nail clippers can also be functional for guests at home, or right on the spot if they meet the right lady at your reception. Both of these make a funny yet functional gift and prove that lesbian bed death is a myth.
This is a pair of scissors I customized on Etsy as a gift for my friends Madelein and Kendra’s wedding.
Astrology Themed Seating Chart
Plan to sit each horoscope at the same table and see how long it takes them to figure out. It’ll be fun to watch how quickly people from the Aries table gravitate toward table Leo.
Encourage Guests to Dress in Dr. Martens
Everyone looks effortlessly cool in Dr. Martens, no matter how broken-in the pair is. To follow the non-traditional vibe, ask guests to pair their dress or suit with a hot set of Brooklyn’s gayest, most uncomfortable shoes.
Flannel Napkins and Thrifted Rings or Carabiners as Rolled Cutlery
Do I have to explain?
Tattoo Artist At Party
This’ll be pricey, but it’s my favorite wedding trend, and the best way to get that one family member who swore they’d never get a tattoo to join in with a cute design. Tattoos, especially nautical star tattoos, have been a symbol of gay identity since the 1940s. This is a great way to keep the tradition alive, and make memories that people will NEVER forget, because, well, they can’t.
Ice Luge In The Shape Of A Woman’s Body
This also might be expensive, but licking alcohol off of a female figure- even if she’s made of ice, is what people attend a gay wedding for.
Don’t Have It In Florida
Important to the marriage for a lot of reasons. But if you do, be sure to mail Ron DeSantis a picture of you and your partner kissing.
Drive Away In A U-haul
The only other vehicle that could show your lesbian-ness would be a Subaru, and I’m sure those have a higher hourly rate. The pictures of you two getting in the seats or sitting in the back (and also conveniently carrying anything you need) would be priceless, and a fun way to put a spin on this boring wedding norm. Slap a “Just Married” sign on the back and everyone will know what team you play for.
Strip Club After Party
This is what ~I~ plan on doing- mostly because strip clubs are expensive and I want everyone else to pay. In a heterosexual marriage, the concept of going to a place with nude women with your husband and all of your gal pal’s husbands might seem like a surefire way to get jealous. But if most of the party is attracted to women, it can be one hell of a time. What’s a better wedding present than a lapdance for two?
The most important thing is that your wedding represents you and your partner as a couple. To hell with the norms that have been pressed on you-celebrate your gay union, have fun, and invite me.
