“The Lesbian Bachelorette” Recap: Batter Up (Episode 2)

Another imagined installment of our dream reality series.

It will be hard to top the season premiere of “Lesbian Bachelorette,” but Episode 2 was definitely a nail-biter (which is fitting because every remaining contestant on the show is a habitual nail-biter).

The episode opens with our Bachelorette, Cara, the 27-year-old volunteer firefighter, staring wistfully at a big willow tree while drinking lemonade through a crazy straw. She unravels this metaphor about how building a relationship is like building a tree. We see off-screen one of the producers telling her that you don’t *build* a tree. But as charming as she is unaware, Cara persists that you do in fact, build trees.

Clits Harrison, the season’s host, shows up at the Lisa Frank mansion to tell the 14 women that it’s time to split up for two different group dates! The women absolutely love Clits, so they are psyched to see her.

I will say that I thought it was a little stereotypical that they took some of the women to the batting cages for the first group date. I get it, it’s cable television but you’d think the producers would be a little more evolved. Regardless, Cara was perfectly mediocre when it came to her athletic form. So it didn’t take long for Michelle Rodriguez to take the initiative to get behind her and demonstrate how she can “get the most out of her swing,” as Michelle murmured. It was pretty strange when Michelle turned to the camera at one point to mention “Fate of the Furious” (coming to theaters April 14th) but, despite the shameless plug, she really did improve Cara’s swing.

After seeing Michelle getting a lot of screen time, standup comic Emily E. hams it up to get Cara’s attention by riding some of the bats around like they are horses. The quick cuts to the other women’s faces when Emily E. recreates that scene in “Happy Gilmore” by standing in front of the pitching machine to get hit violently by baseballs was… awkward.

We’re back to butterflies when fan favorite, bisexual magician Liz, asks Cara if she could have a little alone time with her. The two connect while trying on different sized helmets, to which Liz says in her confessional: “It proves that if you really like someone, you can have fun doing anything.” Okay, guys, the trying-on-oversized-helmets montage was actually really cute.

The batting cages date, however, ended not-so-cute when Lorraine, the 52-year-old bar owner from Pensacola, Florida, smashes the pitching machine to pieces because it was “rigged.”

I’ve got two syllables for the second group date: Dr-AH-MA. Shit, wait, that’s three. For a mimosa brunch, these queer girls act like a bunch of thirsty straight chicks at a sorority Alumni event. The contestants on this group date were: Janessa, the 28-year-old retired Chicago Bulls Luvabulls dancer, as well as her ex-girlfriend, Bri, whose personality is only discerned by the victimizing glances she hurls at Janessa. Stefanie (half of the YouTube couple Stelana) looks uncomfortable next to Emily Z., the personal trainer who is still reeling from her broken engagement. In her confessional, Stefanie admits that she’s “not used to being responsible for emotional labor that isn’t Alana’s.” Trouble in paradise?

Cara’s arm hair bleaching appointment ran long so the four women were left to their own devices for what seemed like a lifetime. Without Cara around, the women decide to get absolutely blasted. (Note: They were actually only left alone for 22 minutes.) It was hard to hear what Emily Z. was saying through all the heaving, but it had a lot to do with wanting sole custody of the Cockatiel that her and her ex-fiancee still share. Needless to say, Cara didn’t get the chance to connect with anyone at this brunch.

Back at the house, 6 women were left without group dates. But they found ways to keep themselves busy.

Emily F., the Baby Lez from Alabama, grills Puck by the pool about how to “do it” with a girl. Puck demonstrated using her incense sticks but I think it’s still pretty clear that Emily F. was clueless. Jamie, the closeted photographer, wouldn’t get out of the bathroom for the entirety of the episode which really put a damper on Alex’s day because Alex wanted to make dreamcatchers out of dental floss that was in the communal medicine cabinet. Not totally the drama we were hoping for but then something unexpected happened…

Alana, the other half of the YouTube couple Stelana, seemed particularly stressed out when she got word that her YouTube channel lost a valuable sponsor because she can’t communicate to the outside world. The camera crew followed Alana around the house as she tried to brand products in the contestant’s bedrooms. In one of her confessionals, she not-so-subtly advertises a Diva Cup with a presentational gimmick.

Recognizing that Alana needs a marketing angle, Sam, the professional Tweeter, steps in to network. As she seemingly wouldn’t stop mentioning, Sam reminisces with Alana on her greatest victory: “I was the brains behind Red Baron Pizza absolutely destroying Tombstone Pizza in a Twitter War. Yeah, I tweeted pictures of the brand on actual tombstones in an animated pizza graveyard. It was brilliant.” Though, at this point, most of us in the audience are drier than Palm Springs, Alana is genuinely blushing. Do we see sparks flying between Alana and Sam?

Finally, it’s time for the Rose Ceremony. Not surprisingly, Cara gives the first rose to Liz, who not only accepts the rose but pulls one of her own out of her dress sleeve for Cara. The second rose goes to a bruised-up Emily E. who truly suffered for her physical comedy. Emotions ran high as Alana and Sam caught each other’s glances while Alana held her girlfriend Stefanie’s hand. But in the end, Cara had to break one woman’s heart when she had to let Alex, the Etsy entrepreneur, go. She just “didn’t feel a connection.”

The final shot of Alex’s custom-made shoestring dreamcatcher she made for Cara was absolutely devastating. But hey, it just shows us how dramatic this season will be.

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