I know that I’m supremely lucky to be locked up with a lover during this quarantine. I can’t imagine navigating this wild pandemic alone. I have deep, guttural, visceral empathy for all of you how are quarantining solo. (Also mad respect).
When I first got wind that my wife and I would be quarantined together for at least three months, a very sexy vision danced upon my one-note brain. I imagined us turning our home into a sultry sex cave! Purr. I imagined myself prancing around the house in lingerie and lipstick and heels. I imagined us getting down and dirty in every room of our humble abode — in particular the kitchen (a long-standing fantasy of mine that has never come to fruition. Probably because my visits to the kitchen are usually the most wildly unsexy moments of my existence. I like to go in there and do dark things like dip chips into tubs of butter and inhale them so quickly I end up writhing in pain because my throat gets sliced up by the razor-sharp edge of a Dorito!).
I imagined us doing all the kinds of erotic things I’ve only read about in books!
Cut to three days into quarantine. We haven’t had sex. Not even oral. I haven’t changed out of purple, oversized, cow-print pajamas in two days. My brillo pad hair is shooting out of my head in every direction like cartoon bolts of lightning! I’ve completely forgotten the concept of deodorant (which is extra tantalizing as I also suffer from acute night sweats). My skin has taken on a sickly, yellow pallor. I have adult acne. And all I want to do is weep and read low-brow celebrity memoirs whilst high on Xanax.
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Cut to ten days into quarantine. We still haven’t had sex. In fact, I think I’ve forgotten what sex is? I’m not masturbating. I’m fast-forwarding through sex scenes. I’m still wearing purple, cow-print pajamas. I still have adult acne. I’ve moved on from low-brow celebrity memoirs to slugging back wine in a plastic red solo cup while watching “90210: The Original Cast.“ I haven’t eaten anything that isn’t white or beige in at least a week.
Cut to fourteen days into quarantine. I decide it’s time to read Janice Dickenson’s, (“the world’s first super-model”) memoir, “No Lifeguard On Duty” because I’m very literary. She starts talking about going to Studio 54 with Gia. Suddenly, I remember the biopic about Gia Marie Carangi, the lesbian model who tragically died of AIDS in 1986.
I begin to vividly remember the sex scenes in that movie, in particular the sex scene where Gia is thrust up naked against a fence getting it on with her makeup artist. I start to get turned on. (I may or may not furiously masturbate). I remember that once upon a time, not too long ago, I had a giant, mega-sized libido. I couldn’t keep it my pants. Some people referred to me as a horn-dog. And that was just a few weeks ago. Pre-pandemic. Oh yeah, there was a time before quarantine wasn’t there, Zara? A time when you clipped long, sexy weave into your head and shaved everything and spritzed yourself up and down with Tom Ford “Violet Blonde” Eau de Parfum and wrote lacy bras and strappy heels and had an insatiable sex drive.
I had lost that part of myself, honey. And so had my wife. We were swept up in the anxiety, the darkness, the (very real) fear of COVID-19 and were becoming depressed, and in all truthfulness, the antithesis of hot — at least, our definition of hot, which is likely shallow, but that’s okay because we’re married and therefore won’t push our narrow definition of hot onto anyone but each other.
I digress. The point of this article (only took me 600 words to get here, sorry!) is to tell you that I’ve spoken to a bunch of couples during quarantine and most of them are not having earth-shattering sex either. They’re sick of each other. They’ve let themselves go. They, too, are dirty (not in a sexy way, in an unwashed way), melting into their couches in bleach-stained sweatpants shoving Doritos into their mouths, and they don’t even usually eat shit like Doritos!
But I’ve decided that enough is enough! It’s bad enough that the entire world is crashing down on us, squashing us like tiny little bugs! Our only hope right now is a good orgasm. It’s all we have that doesn’t cost heaps of money or put our health at risk (if you’re safely quarantined together, that is. That should be a no-brainer, but the internet police just loves to go wild in the comments and point shit out that you and I both know is glaringly obvious).
So here are some tips I’ve come up with to SPICE up your SEX LIFE with your quarantined LOVER!
1. Play “Sexy Stranger.”
Give yourself a fake name — something erotic — like Sugar. Throw a wig over your head if you have one. Make your partner give themselves a faux-name too. Change up your look and experiment with a new style. Pretend your kitchen table is a bar and you’re randomly meeting there. Maybe you met on a hook-up app. Improvise. Hit on each other, salaciously.
Have sex as ~different~ people. It really unlocks all your wildest fantasies, and you might discover something new about your preferred kinks. It’s like Halloween! Dressing different makes us feel different, which makes us act different, but that “different” was always inside of us to begin with, you know? The costume just unleashed the freaky beast within!
2. Watch the movie “Below Her Mouth.”
I’m a typical lez and most mainstream porn doesn’t really do it for me. I need a hot, lesbian movie with a plot and a real dyke actress. That being said, my wife and I rewatched “Below Her Mouth” and it served as great sex inspiration for us! I mean if that movie doesn’t make you teeming with relentless sexual desire, were your eyes even open, babes?
3. Bring ice-cubes into the mix.
Tear an ice-cube out of your beloved freezer. Lightly tease her entire body with that sexy little cube. Giver her a mind-blowing orgasm. Extra Points if you suck on the cube before going down on her. Nothing like a ~cold~ tongue on a warm bod, babe.
While you’re both working from home (or watching TV from home) send her a raunchy sext out of nowhere. It will feel like the naughty beginning again. And that’s the key to a great, long-lasting sex life. Always make it feel like the naughty beginning.
5. Be a tease.
I don’t have to spell it out for you, do I? Just be a ruthless tease. Straddle her in the middle of the day and give her the best, sultriest kiss you’ve ever bestowed upon her precious lips. Blow hot air into her ear. Kiss her neck.
Walk the f*ck away. She’ll want you like she’s never wanted you before. Because lez be honest, we always want what doesn’t ~come~ easily, amirite?