Last weekend, my best friend visited me. After a night of partying, as she climbed the ladder (I live in a loft, making it impossible to get into bed sexily) and heaved herself into my bed (see? Anyone who sleeps with me is doomed), she let out a screech.
“OUCH! Dayna, what the f*ck is embedded in my back?”
It was my Lovehoney luxury vibrator. I kind of just started leaving it in my bed at all times, ’cause like, why not?
“And why are there so many socks in this bed?”
I go to sleep with socks. I usually kick them off in my sleep and then forget about them, and no one is around long enough to call me out on it.
I haven’t been in a serious relationship in over a year. Though I regularly date (ahem, I am Carrie Lezshaw) it’s been a while since I’ve ~let someone in~ to my world, that isn’t at a sexy dimly lit bar or over to my apartment only after I’ve last frantically minute cleaned in preparation for first date sex. So yeah, I haven’t had the stay-over-and-lets-go-to-brunch-and-talk-about-our-feelings-and-light-candles-and-grocery-shop-and-stay-up-each-other’s-asses relationship in a while.
With all my readily available alone time, I’ve inevitably had time to do some pretty shameful shit. And I know you’ve been there too, dear lez, for we all have Secret Single Behavior (as the late Carrie Bradshaw called it).
1. You are lowkey gross
Including but not limited to: Leaving dishes in the sink, searching for oddly specific porn, clipping your toenails on the couch, letting your hair extensions clog the drain…
2. You get into porn rabbit holes
You know the ones. Where after you cum, you’re like WTF did I just watch? Am I okay? Do I need a therapist?
3. You Tinder on the toilet
Your photos are of you perfectly made up at a fabulous club — meanwhile, you’re swiping as your hair is in a bun, you’re wearing an old ass t-shirt, and you’ve been sitting on the toilet for the past 15 minutes.
4. You eat weird stuff
My favorite Secret Single Behavior is dipping a flour tortilla into a gigantic tub of sour cream, with no one to judge me.
5. You turn up a little too much
Queer parties are just so much fun!
6. You need a f*cking pedicure
Seriously, girl. I’ll go with you.
7. You wear the most unsexy PJs
I have a drawer full of sexy lingerie and nightgowns, but I just love my XXXL men’s t-shirt. (That isn’t sexy when I wear it. Naturally chic and beautiful girls can pull off the slob look but glam girls like me… We just look like slobs.)
8. You sit in your own filth and binge watch reality TV
The best part of being single is watching the dumbest shows without judgement. On Sundays, I watch hours worth of Vanderpump Rules while avoiding washing my spray tan off. (If you sit in fake tan too long, it smells like Ritz Crackers. Sexy, right?)
9. You have no problems casually dating, but a real relationship seems incomprehensible
My favorite part of a date is when they leave after sex so I can continue being gross in peace.
10. You fart as loud as you please in the morning
You’re f*cking lying if you say you don’t.
11. You wear ripped panties from seventh grade
And play with your pubes when they stick out of the holes.
12. Why shave?
I always miss the same patch of hair on the back of my upper thighs and it lowkey grows out of control. Who wants to date me?
13. You pick your nose
14. You wear the same bra for over a week
I mean, I do this in a relationship too, so.
15. You thoroughly enjoy popping pimples, examining your pores, and digging out ingrown hairs
I don’t know what is more satisfying than sitting in front of a pore magnifying mirror and squeezing blackheads.
16. You worry an NSA agent can see your double chin as you look down at your phone and masturbate
Then you put a sticky note over your phone camera, but it keeps falling off and ruining your orgasm.
Kinda fcked up that this government shutdown means the NSA agent monitoring me through my webcam isn’t getting paid to watch me cry into this box of Cheez-Its.
— DAD SHÖGGÖ†H👀👀 (@baphometadata) January 20, 2018
17. You realize how gross you look when you masturbate
One time, I accidentally clicked a pop up on a porn site and it opened up my Snapchat camera and I was met with my close up masturbating face. It wasn’t pretty. In fact, it sent me into an existential spiral.
18. So you doll yourself up to masturbate, but then you realize how f*cking weird that is
19. Then your pet jumps on your bed and you feel weirded out
Can you get TF away from me, cat? I’m trying to watch Crashpad series.
20. You master the art of thirst trapping
Nothing is better than a little ego boost of cuties sliding into your DMs when you’re single, am I right?