Greetings, lezzies. It seems like just yesterday that I was violently twerking at Henrietta Hudson or making out with a masked brunette at The Box or hooking up with girls from Herstory Personals or partying ’til the wee hours of the night with my BFFs. Now I’m arguing over which bedding to buy, sending cat adoption links back and forth, and falling asleep entangled in my girlfriend’s limbs at 10pm. I never thought I’d be here, but I’m totally U-Hauling. I’m excited AF—I am so in love with my girlfriend, and we *actually* have a healthy relationship, which is a first for me. (What can I say? I love manic borderline party girls and lez f*ckbois.) So the next step in our very adult, very healthy, very lesbian relationship is to move into a studio apartment in Boerum Hill after knowing each other for eight months. That’s like a decade in lesbian years, so I don’t think it’s as crazy as it sounds.
Being the anxious babe that I am, I obvi have some major fears about cohabiting with the lovely specimen that is my girlfriend.
1. We have completely different tastes in art.
I nearly spit out my Champagne the other night when my girlfriend texted me a picture of WATERCOLOR HUMMINGBIRDS as potential art for our apartment. Like questioned our entire relationship. I know she felt the same way when she saw my macabre Christian Colin print (as if I could afford a sculpture). I think her art is boring, and she thinks my art is deeply disturbing. But we agree on fundamental truths, such as cheese boards being the most important food group, and that’s what really matters.
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2. When am I going to shit?
Lez not be prim: Everyone has panic attacks over going to the bathroom in close proximity to the person they’re having sex with. I can usually plan it out so that I save that for my apartment. But now there’s no such thing as my apartment; it’s our apartment and our bathroom. I feel my intestines cramping up with constipation just thinking about it.
3. When can I dip a tortilla into plain sour cream and watch Van Der Pump Rules?
I mourn the death of my secret single behavior and my affinity for questionable snacking and dumb AF reality TV. My girlfriend is considerably more normal than I am. Still, I can’t help but wonder what her secret single behavior is.
4. When will we miss each other?
I am obsessed with my girlfriend and pretty damn content spending every night sequestered in bed express re-ordering sushi. But we spent the last 10 days apart, and it did wonders for our sex life. I literally jumped her bones the second I saw her.
5. What if we break up?
Like, obvi I hope we don’t, but what if? I know her well enough to know that she isn’t a vindictive psycho. (I have an advanced degree in vindictive psychos so I can spot them.) I know that we could—presumably—respectfully cohabitate until we found a sublet if need be, but the thought of that hurts my heart.
6. Why TF does she have all this sporting equipment?
She is storing her stuff in my teeny tiny bedroom until we move next weekend. And I’ve never experienced blinding irrational anger over a tennis racket, but when you have such a small space, anything extra feels huge. Not to mention, I’ve known her for almost a year and have never seen her play tennis. She’d better be up bright and early every MF morning, getting her physical fitness on, if she’s keeping that crap in our apartment. I know she’d say the same thing about my endless collection of black leggings and spray tan cans.
7. I am not responsible enough to take care of a cat.
I know it’s our duty as lesbians to rescue a cat the second we move in together, but I don’t even remember to feed myself. I would totally neglect a poor little kitten.
8. I have no idea how to cook.
Speaking of feeding, I don’t eat unless I’m out for a lavish meal at a trendy restaurant that involves $15 cocktails (which explains why I am perpetually broke and bloated) or ordering in. But since the just-dating phase is over, and we are LIVING TOGETHER, my girlfriend will realize that the one time I cooked for her using only aphrodisiacs was just a way of impressing her and getting to have 20 orgasms. I have no idea how to cook.
9. Like, no idea.
Yes, I f*cking lied about all the bomb-ass Italian dishes I know how to make. I never paid attention to my Sicilian mother making meatballs, and she gives me shit about it every morning that I call her on my walk to the subway. “How are you going to be a good wife to Ryan if you don’t know how to cook? She does so much for you. What can you offer to her? You bring shame to Grandma for not knowing how to make sauce,” and so on.
10. What if we become boring?
I used to be known as a party girl. Now I truly have no desire to binge drink and stay out all night like I used to. And I’m scared that it makes me boring.
11. Now I’m officially off the market.
Despite my penchant for slutty dancing, swiping on Tinder, and making out with anyone, I fully identify as a monogamous lez. But since I’ve made a career out of my dating escapades, I’m worried about not being as “marketable” without my crazy dating life. I also love to flirt and thirst trap, and now that’ll be a lot more complicated.
12. What if we never leave the house again?
Utterly probable since it’s about to get cold AF, and we just got a new strap-on.
13. I hate that she throws wet towels on the floor.
14. She hates my music.
Yes, I listen to Disney Music every morning, and it drives Ryan crazy. Not even popular Disney songs. I’m talking niche Disney music. And I’m totes being Ursula for Halloween.
15. We still don’t agree about Blue Is The Warmest Color.
I think it’s a masterpiece. She thinks it’s pretentious trash. Will we break up over it? Stay tuned.
16. When my friends come over, will she go away?
Because my Long Island BFFs and I still need to have our girls-only wine nights. Yes, Ryan counts as a boy in this context.
17. What if the sex gets boring?
No one wants to think about sex as work, especially lesbians. We can be so smug that we have way better sex, but no matter what, sex is work. I’m worried that with our full-time jobs, stress, etc., our sex will just be lying side-by-side and rubbing each other’s clits. I know that we have to push ourselves to have exciting sex, even if we’re exhausted.
18. I throw money I don’t have at all of my problems.
I don’t like to clean, OK? So f*cking sue me. I want to hire someone to clean, and my girlfriend thinks that’s ludicrous and wasteful. Then I remind her how gross her shower curtain was at her last apartment.
19. I hate money conversations.
20. I really love her, and I’m scared of screwing it up.
If you’ve made it through this list, you probably know that I can be insufferable and annoying. I know this too, and I’m terrified of it becoming too much for my girlfriend. At least I give good head!
Have you moved in with your girlfriend? How did it work out for you? Are you wildly happy? Are you figuring out custody of your cat? Let us know in the comments!