The only virus you want to catch in these trying times? SPRING FEVER, baby. Keep reading to figure out how to stay hot even when the weather turns cool.
Today GO Managing editor Dayna Troisi, and yours truly decided to *not* Seamless our lunch and instead pick it up. Which means, we were forced to walk outside in the middle of the day and guzzle down some Manhattan fresh air.
I don’t know what divine force came over us, because this is something Dayna and I never do. No! We are tristate girls which means come noon, we furiously stuff deli-delivered pastrami on rye bread down our dehydrated, coffee-laden throats and clank our fingers against keyboards as we gaze intently into static laptop screens.
We don’t do lunch breaks, babe.
We don’t do sweet spring air, during the workday, babe.
We don’t do the great outdoors, not even in New York City.
We prefer to burn our tender flesh beneath hellaciously hot fluorescent lights as we dry out like underfed plants from pre-war red-hot radiators, over “zenning out” in the fresh air.
I don’t know if it was instinct or kismet or simple happenstance, but the next thing I knew Dayna and I were strutting toward Prince Street in Soho the sun shining upon our vitamin D deficient skin, like we were bohemians or something.
“It’s Spring!” Dayna declared into the universe, her bright red Fendi headband gleaming in the daylight.
“It is!” I validated, sucking in the flower-fragrant air. (I get it, we’re in Manhattan, but even Manhattan smells of flowers in the spring. Even if it’s only because all the rich bitches of Soho bathe their bodies in Gucci Flora the moment it hits 50 degrees. And Gucci Flora is such a great fragrance it smells as good, if not better than actual flowers).
A beautiful brunette rocking perfectly round Chanel glasses (think John Lennon only Coco Chanel) and a faux fur cape breezed by us. She was glowing like she’d just had a chemical peel.
“Someone call the chic police!” I whispered breathlessly as she and her Gucci flora fragrance bathed body wafted by us.
“They’re on their way,” Dayna smirked. “I just want to DRINK!”
“I want rosè.” I cried, overwhelmed with a sudden onset of bliss. The random feel-goods were so strong, I needed to quell them with pink wine in order to not spontaneously orgasm!
“I want to rage. OUTSIDE!” I watched Dayna’s perfectly coiffed high bun rhetorically unravel. In my mind’s eye, she suddenly had long loose hair, dancing across bare shoulders. I had visions of us partying in a field of sunflowers, somewhere exotic like Spain or the North Fork of Long Island.
We skipped like school children down Prince street, ecstatic smiles plastered across our faces. We probably looked like we were rolling on molly or something.
But as I took in the crowds of people traipsing through lower Manhattan’s chicest neighborhood, I realized that everyone looked whacked out on happy pills. And it was just another rave-less Tuesday. Why were we all acting like we were under the influence of a cult that washes your brain clean of all the darkness and trauma you’ve experienced (FYI if that cult exists and you know about it, hit me up. I’m looking for a cult like that).
That’s when it hit me!
We’d all grown woozy with fever. Spring fever. For when the sun finally shines its precious rays upon the great isle of Manhattan, after a long, depressing winter, New Yorkers get infected with the best kind of sickness to ever exist.
But hey, man, it likely won’t stay Spring-y for long.
After all, Spring is an elusive time of year, one that teases us with a taste of her sweet nectar and just as quickly pours arsenic down our throats. But I’ve decided, SCREW that SHIT, babe. I’m going to teach you to stay sick with Spring Fever, even when the weather turns on us. After all, I’m an expert in feeling good. I might as well have an honorary master’s degree from Harvard in feeling good. And the number one hack for contracting Spring fever is feeling good. So follow these tips if staying spring sick is on your to-do list. Purr.
1. Stay drunk, my darling.
I know what you’re thinking. Zara is recklessly promoting shameless alcoholism because she’s just another vapid party girl who thinks one must be drunk in order to cope with life. Okay, part of that is true. I *do* sometimes turn to booze in order to cope with life, but that’s not what this essay is about. I’ll save that for my shrink.
What I mean by “stay drunk, my darling” is to remain in a perpetually intoxicated mindset. Let yourself plug into the silly, slap-happy vibrations of life, even when you’re stuck indoors, sitting at your desk, stone-cold sober, with your boss lurking behind you. Spring fever makes you feel light and breezy, sort of like a cold glass of champagne in a pretty stem glass. You must embody this champagne glass, regardless of bad weather. The best part about staying drunk in the mind is that it’s contagious. The wilder and more uncensored and inebriated you behave, the more those around you will be compelled to do the same. And then you’ll start having wild spring fever orgy sex together!
And because you’re all mushy and boozy, you’ll cuddle afterward. Even if you hate cuddling. Cuddling is good for your blood pressure and everyone’s blood pressure is far too high in this political climate.
2. Listen to music all day long.
Alright, I have to warn you of something VERY SERIOUS. They’re people out in the world who will want to cure you of your spring fever. They’ll want to stick a cold compress right up against your gorgeously sweaty head and they’ll smile a wicked grimace as your happiness melts into the ground. You have to protect yourself from these blood-sucking bastards. And the only way to truly do that is to keep yourself in a happiness bubble, so airtight nothing unwelcome could ever dream of sneaking into your precious orbit.
And you do that by strapping headphones to your face, and blasting MUSIC into your ears. Nothing will get you out of your head and propel you into your feelings like music.
And Springtime is all about feelings. Winter is for thoughts. Summer is for sex. Spring is for emotions.
So stay constantly tapped into the feels by listening to a pretty playlist of springtime music all the time. Bloodsucking energy vampires can tell if you’re in your own musical world, and it freaks them out. They know they can’t win in the fight against music so they give up and leave you to bask in your full-throttle spring sweat in peace!
3. Refuse to wear tights or sweaters.
I don’t care if the weather has taken a turn for the worst and it’s fucking flurrying out. You are NOT to wear tights or sweaters if you want a springtime brain. Tights and sweaters are practical solutions to shitty weather and the very moment you succumb to anything practical you’ll be pulled out of your euphoric fever dream and will be forced to wake up to the cold stone, nasty reality of life. Gag.
4. Fall into reckless love with the girl at the bar.
As I said, summer is all about sex. Hot sex with a sweaty stench. It’s for fucking on the beaches of Fire Island with a random girl you’ll never see again.
But Spring? Spring is for love. It’s for reckless, irresponsible love that doesn’t last longer than a season! So go to the bar, right now. Find the girl with the brightest eyes and the twinkliest spirit and start talking to her. Talk about sentimental shit, like your the music you loved as a teenager or the moment you first realized you were a dyke, or what your favorite flower is — or I don’t know, babe. Show her your tattoos or something else lame but sweet.
And fall in love. Yes, love. And yes, it is that simple. In the spring, that is. Fall in love before the spring showers turn into summer flowers and everyone only wants sex. Fall in love for this brief period of dreamy unrealistic beautiful sweet innocence.
5. Ditch the underwear.
If you don’t wear underwear you’ll feel a nice breeze up your skirt or respective pant leg that will feel cool and refreshing and thrilling and divine all at once. If you want to keep your spring fever you must expose your most vulnerable regions to the rush of fresh air. And that’s a fact.