This Queer Stripper Predicts What Kind Of Customer You Are Based On Your Zodiac Sign

For $35 and a couple of drinks, I’m able to convince a customer that I’m actually a telepathic magical being in five minutes.

Talking about astrology is an icebreaker. And as a consummate hustler, now that I’m familiar with reading and interpreting natal charts, it’s one of the best ways for me to hook a customer and reel him in. For $35 and a couple of drinks, I’m able to convince a customer that I’m actually a telepathic magical being in five minutes. Because time is money, getting a stranger to feel seen so quickly is an excellent skill to have as a stripper.  

In the two-plus years that I’ve been stripping, I’ve met at least one customer with every star sign and configuration of natal chart imaginable, and usually, more than a few. Here are some of the patterns I’ve noticed in customers according to their zodiac sign, and the ways I’ve used an understanding of astrology to help me secure the bag.

Aries – Big Drunk Baby

As an Aries stripper, sometimes Aries energy is hard for me to recognize. I’m the only Aries at the club, and that energy tends to dominate a room (and historically, I haven’t gotten along with other Aries in my personal life.) Aries customers, though, are easy to spot: they’re loud, they’re usually the drunkest in the room, and they never come into a strip club alone. They’re also the most likely to have wandering hands, I’ve realized. Once, an Aries grabbed my ass as I walked by. I threw a drink in his face. The good thing about Aries energy going head to head, though, is that Aries femmes are a million times scarier than Aries men. Aries men, when caught and reprimanded, are like little babies, which makes sense as Aries is the youngest sign of the zodiac. By the end of the night, I had him groveling in apology and throwing money at me at every stage set, all while dutifully keeping his hands to himself.

Taurus – Still Waters Run Deep

One of my favorite young customers is a Taurus. He doesn’t come in to see me often, but when he does, he’s sweet and generous: keeping my glass full, bringing me presents that I actually like, and taking me for a dance whenever I ask. He was shy at first, like other Taurus customers I’ve interacted with, so getting him to open up was challenging. But once he felt a little more comfortable, I was able to get him to show me his nerdy side. We talked about zombie movies and comic books and our shared love of Buffy the Vampire Slayer. Taurus customers can go one of two ways: stingier than Ebenezer Scrooge and petulantly sitting at the back, claiming their friends dragged them out—or, if you’ve got a good Taurus, generous and steady, and smart enough to know that it’s time to leave if they run out of money.

Gemini – Who Are You Today?

Most of my customers are Gemini men. I don’t know why, but I have read that Gemini energy and Aries energy tend to attract. Maybe their sneaky selves are drawn to my blunt, brash, lying-takes-too-much-work Aries nature. Or maybe it’s because we both tend to be hyper and lead strange, wild, adventurous, shameless lives. And to be totally honest, we’re both way more impulsive than is wise or healthy. You’ve got to keep an eye on a Gemini dude, however, because you never know when he’s lying to you (or, by contrast, you need to assume he’s always lying to you.) Gemini customers are tellers of tall tales (that said, I wouldn’t trust a strip club customer of any sign as far as I could throw him.) If they fall in love with you, it’s the chase they’re after. So always keep them in pursuit, and never give them what they want.

Cancer – A Completely Unnecessary Knight in Shining Armor

I haven’t met many Cancers at the club because, as a sign, Cancer is a notorious homebody. The Cancers I have met are pretty quiet. They tend to be shy, and they mention their families a lot. Some won’t get dances because they think it’ll be like cheating on their wives—which is annoying, but whatever. The bad side of the Cancer customer personality type is the manipulative softboy, so “sweet” and “emotional,” and so concerned about what a girl like me is doing in a place like this. Save it, crab-boy. There’s not a stripper in the world who needs you to save her.

Leo – Mr. Narcissist

Leo customers are liars, but not in the way that Geminis are liars. Where Geminis will lie to you (they will invent entire realities to try to get you to give them what they want), Leos lie about themselves. They lie about who they are, how much money they have, and all the amazing things they’ve accomplished in their lives and careers. Doing the emotional labor of not yawning in the face of this kind of customer would be unacceptable to me anywhere else. But Leos also tend to want to feel important, and there’s no faster way to be crushed like a bug at a strip club than to show up empty-handed. So at least they tend to pay well, in order to have us listen to their mind-numbingly dull tales of personal heroics.

Virgo – Either The Greatest Dude You’ll Ever Meet or The Devil

Virgo men are either the single greatest example of cis masculinity you’ll ever meet (nurturing, attuned to their own emotions, actually able to talk about their feelings using full and introspective sentences!), OR they’re an actual incarnation of the Devil. Granted, I’m a little biased. I met my boo, a Virgo, at the club I used to work at, in an actual stripper fairytale, if fairytales start topless and immediately progress to a random threesome two days later. (And hey, for me, they do.)

I’m not exaggerating when I use the word “fairytale”—you probably have a better chance of winning the lottery than dating a stripper, though every customer thinks he’s got the lucky ticket. Other Virgo customers, however, are the type of evil who won’t take you to VIP ’till 4am for an hour, making everyone stay up past our already far-too-late bedtime. There’s a special place in hell for customers like that.

Libra – Who’s Zoomin’ Who?

Libra and Leo customers are almost indistinguishable from one another, except where Leos talk about themselves and their accomplishments incessantly, Libra will spend the time trying to get to know you so they can alter their own flakey personality into something they think you’ll like. Back off, Libra guy! That’s my job. Literally. I am here to get paid to figure out what you like and provide that as your very own temporary fantasy party experience. Stop making my job harder simply by being you.

Scorpio – Sex on Wheels

I don’t even like men all that much, but even I can’t deny that Scorpio customers ooze with sex appeal. The nerdy ones. The sad ones. The mean ones. Even the ones I don’t find attractive at all. My BDSM-client, who likes me to slap him around in VIP, is a Scorpio. Unsurprisingly, all of our foreplay that led up to sealing the deal in a private room involved talking about death. Scorpios are totally bananas, but they’re fun as hell to work with.

Sagittarius – Messiest Hot Mess

Sometimes, when I sit with a Sagittarius customer, it’s all I can do to keep up. I just sit there, sip my drink quietly, and observe the unfolding trainwreck that is about to take place over the course of the night. Sag men are off the walls. Even on a Sunday or a Tuesday night, they are there to party. They walk in on a Monday day shift and drink for eight hours straight. They either stumble in totally trashed at 8pm or get there at midnight and stay ‘till close, escorted out by the bouncer into a cab and sent off with a prayer into the dark night. Somehow, they don’t die on the way home but come back the next day, miraculously not hungover, ready to do it all again. Bless.

Capricorn – An Utter Snoozefest

Capricorn non-men are amazing. The drive! The ambition! The take-no-shit attitudes from which no one is spared! I love the way Capricorn functions as a sign for people who aren’t cis men. Capricorn customers, though, are the entire reason why Capricorn gets such a bad rep for being the bore of the zodiac. I know, I know. Everyone contains multitudes, even the most boring, life force-draining, put-me-in-a-coma Capricorn customer I meet at the club. But good god, man, you’re surrounded by stunning half-naked women being paid to find you the most interesting person in the world. Crack a smile, at least.

Aquarius – You’re Not As Enlightened as You Think You Are

Lesbian goddesses save me from an Aquarius customer.

Pisces – Sadboys

Hi, my name is Janis, and I’m addicted to Pisces energy. Pisces women, Pisces men. My twenties are littered with the carnage that Pisces people of all genders have inflicted on my heart. So innocent, so sensitive, so romantic, and tortured, and soulful.

NO MÁS.

A Pisces customer is the type of guy who walks into a strip club thinking he’ll find love, doesn’t spend more than a hundred bucks (TOTAL), and then walks out disillusioned with the world and hating and objectifying women even more than he did when he walked in. Get thee gone, sir. Don’t darken my doorway again.