Sex Ed Fridays: What It Means If You Have A Bizarre Sexual Fantasy (That Creeped You Out)

Fantasy is this awesome space in our minds that we sometimes visit to explore things that we maybe would never fathom of actually acting out IRL. Especially when it comes to sex.

But before I tell you all about how to process and be okay with even your most freaky sexual fantasies — I want to start this week off with a story. Recently, I was in Northampton, MA taking sex education classes (you know, so I can better educate you babes in this column!) and one of the classes had a section focusing on sexual fantasies. The teacher had written more than 75 common fantasies that people have down on little slips of paper. As students, we were supposed to individually take our 75 fantasies and organize them into three categories: 1. Feel comfortable with 2. This might be okay or 3. This is not okay.

At first, I was on a roll. This is so easy, I cockily thought to myself. It’s just fantasy so why wouldn’t anything not be okay?! I was about halfway through my pile when I suddenly got stumped. The next slip of paper I was supposed to categorize was “rape fantasy.” I was stopped in my tracks. The assignment that moments ago, had seemed so easy was now putting me up against something I’ve always struggled with — especially as a rape crisis advocate.

Why would anyone fantasize about being raped? I thought.

Anyone who fantasizes about raping someone else is definitely a rapist, was my followup thought.

But I continued to sit with this slip of paper in my hand. I found myself just as challenged to put it in the “This is not okay” pile as the “Feel comfortable with” pile. The rape crisis advocate in me definitely wanted to just crumple this piece of paper up and throw it away and pretend that fantasy just doesn’t exist for anyone. But the sex educator in me knew that this is a real fantasy for some people, and that I even have some friends who have admitted this to me before.

I ended up placing that one in the “This might be okay” category — with a big scrunched up frown on my face the entire time. Totally confused and totally dismayed. But there was also a desire to expand my knowledge and understanding. So when we came back to discuss why we categorized things in the way we did, I found most of my peers had similar struggles with rape fantasies, but also other fantasies that push the boundaries of what is considered to be “sexual normalcy” in society.

I asked my teacher, “If someone continues to fantasize about pedophilia or rape, won’t that make them more likely to act?”

“Actually, if someone has an actual desire to act out of those fantasies — which is violent and harmful — they’re less likely to do it to someone if they allow the fantasy to exist in their mind,” she told me.

I still struggle with this thought and I think it probably makes a lot of people uncomfortable. But I wanted to share this story with you all to let you know that sexual fantasies can just live in your head. Some of them — like different kinks or consensual BDSM — you might end up acting out with partners someday.

The truth is that our largest sexual organ is our brain. And our raw, animalistic, sexual sides are much more primal than we’re led to believe. The idea of what is normalized as “sex” in our society informs us on what we can and should be doing in the bedroom, behind closed doors. But our reality as sexual beings is far more nuanced and messy than that.

Do you swipe through Tinder while fantasizing about being clad in latex and hanging from the ceiling tied in bondage ropes? Or maybe you have a never-ending fantastical desire to be f*cked in the bathroom of a random bar by a perfect hot stranger?

While people definitely do both of these sexual acts IRL and consensually, these might just be fantasies for others. Maybe it’s what you think about when you’re having sex. Or when you’re masturbating. Or when you’re on the train in the morning. Or when you’re taking a shower.

I find that my weirdest sexual fantasies pop into my head at the most bizarre times. Like no brain, I don’t want to think about a giant queer orgy at a beautiful waterfall in Costa Rica while I’m at a business meeting. But like I’ve said before; our raw, animalistic, sexual being is a part of us — a part of our everyday, most mundane moments.

What I usually do is hit the proverbial pause button on the incredible fantasy unraveling in the theater that is my brain — and try to pick it up later at a more opportune time. Sometimes, I write down my sexual fantasies and allow them to live on paper. Sometimes, I use them as sexual stories to tell my partners about. Other times, they just help me masturbate.

What I’ve learned in allowing myself the freedom to explore my fantasies without judgement, is that these might just turn into desires. But they also might be a way for my brain to test a sexual act out in a safe way before allowing my body to feel the visceral desire to do that very thing. I find that some of sexual fantasies have been just that — fantasies that I never really actually want to do with other people. But other fantasies I’ve happily discovered are real sexual desires of mine. And allowing myself the space to explore those IRL with people has been an incredible process.

What turns us on, what gets our juices flowing, what gets us breathing hot and heavy — might just feel taboo or freaky or scary to think about outside of the context of fantasy. You are allowed to be turned on by whatever that might be. Your fantasies are what feeds the sexual demon living inside of you. Be aware of them and give them space to exist. Find out which ones are purely fantasy and which are true desires.