Dating sucks. Dating is hard. Dating makes you feel like everyone out there is a psychopath. “Who are the people in this world?” That’s what I’m asking after a string of bad first dates. It’s the same question I ask every time I’m at the airport. Are these my fellow humans? How terrifying.
Everyone’s told you you’re a catch and that your last relationship wasn’t right for you and that it’s only a matter of time until you find your nice queer lady. There’s only one problem: Where in the world is she? How do you find her? What are you supposed to do?
After you realize you’ve failed at answering this riddle yourself, you’ll ask your friends. So as your friends, here are the top 10 ways to meet a nice queer lady:
Start volunteering somewhere.
Lesbians love philanthropy.
Oh god, are you crying? Well, get with the times! You have a bunch of options here. Let’s break it down.
Lex is only for queer people, so no breeders will try to chat you up about their confusion. Yay!
Tinder wounds like the pits, but tons of people meet on Tinder. We’ve all been to at least five Tinder weddings, have we not?
Bumble has a few rules, including that only women ask men out, which doesn’t apply to gay people because we’re special. Also, the interface is prettier than Tinder. Yellow is a calming color.
Hinge is for you if you have a lot of Facebook friends. If you don’t, get some more! Then use this app to meet friends of friends of friends. Kevin Bacon’s six degrees of separation theory — birds of a feather flock together.
Raya is for if you’re important, and/or famous, and/or can pretend you’re important and/or famous enough to be invited.
Softball fields are teeming with lesbians. Also, basketball is good, and hockey, too, if you like ice. This is a great option because you’re getting a workout in while scanning the field for potential love interests.
Get a dog.
And take it to the dog park regularly. If you don’t have a dog, you’re barely a lesbian. If you have a cat and you’re still single, trade it in for a dog right now. You’re going to need some poop bags for this.
Gay bars! Go alone.
Sip your drink slowly at the bar while doing a crossword. Some nice queer lady is bound to hit on you, and hopefully she’ll be an intellectual.
Aren’t there a ton of lesbian comedians?
Go to a comedy show! No, even better, join an improv group. You can tackle your fear of public speaking while meeting new funny women.
Go to every single wedding you’re invited to, because zillions of people meet at weddings. Love is in the air already, so it’s more available than in real life. Maybe if you’re not getting invited to weddings, become a singer who does weddings, or become a DJ, or you could even become a cater-waiter and chat up some ladies while you’re serving them lobster and listening to a speech about how Suzy 1 and Suzy 2 met on Tinder.
P-Town, Dinah Shore, Pride parades, and other enormous gay gatherings are a perfect idea. Get ready to take a rainbow confetti shower, because who comes to these things? Nice queer ladies. Bring your dog if you suck at making conversation. Dress your dog in a butch tuxedo if you really suck at it.
Your local bookstore or cafe.
While opening and closing books you’re not going to buy or sipping your overpriced latte, you might spot a nice queer lady. Bookstores and cafes are quiet spaces, so shhh, you’ll have to speak with your eyes — then you can upgrade to whispering. This plan, like the dog park plan, involves showing up frequently and being super patient. Have you ever met anyone who met their partner in a bookstore or a cafe? No, you actually have not, but you’re going to be the first!
Not at home.
In the wise words of Tara Reid, “You’re not going to meet your prince charming sitting on the couch.” Ladies, you’re not going to meet your princess charming sitting on the effing couch. Whatever you do, do not stay at home stewing about this! Go out! Right now! Seriously. Get off your ass.