Dr. Darcy Smith on falling for your girl’s best friend…

Ask A Mental Health Professional

Dear Dr. Darcy:

My girlfriend’s best friend has recently begun sending me suggestive text messages. As much as I know it’s wrong, I can’t help responding back to her. At first it seemed like innocent flirting, but I have to admit that I’ve become attracted to her. I’ve been with my girlfriend for 5 months and we’re just about to move in together and I’m starting to freak out over my feelings for her best friend. Should I postpone the move?

Interesting timing… Sounds like you’re freaking out about more than your feelings for her best friend. I’m betting you’re freaking out about moving in with your girlfriend. I wonder how you’ve handled commitments in the past. I don’t believe in coincidences for the most part, and it’s odd that although you’ve known her best friend for months, you realize you have feelings for her just as you’re about to cohabitate with your girlfriend. There is no such thing as “innocent flirting,” particularly with your girlfriend’s best friend. Some things are simply off-limits: her female relatives (actually, all relatives), her intern, her roommate, etc. There are enough women to flirt with—stay away from those in her world. It’s bad enough that you’re likely sabotaging your relationship with your girlfriend. Don’t take down her best friend too.

My dyke girlfriend refuses to grow up and dress/act like an adult. She’s almost 25 years old and still wears androgynous-looking clothing and is always mistaken for a boy. I have a huge problem with this because I don’t want to be mistaken for being in a straight relationship and also, I don’t want people to think I’m a pedophile!

I’m not a big fan of the girlfriend make-over. In my experience, it’s a recipe for resentment and hurt feelings. It sounds like your girlfriend was this way when you met her and that you had the expectation that she would—I don’t know—grow out of it? Is it something that she needs to grow out of? Life would be so much easier if we could all remember that what we see is what we get. If you want a project, focus your energy elsewhere. There’s plenty of work to do in this community. Leave the makeovers for reality television. At least those participants are willing.

Email questions to dr.darcysmith@gmail.com or call 212-604-0144

*By submitting questions, the writer acknowledges that she has no rights of confidentiality and that her question or a version thereof may be printed in GO Magazine. Correspondence between Dr. Darcy Smith and a writer does not constitute a therapeutic relationship and such a relationship and the rights/privileges associated with such can only be established through a scheduled, in-person session.

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