Dear Dr. Darcy:
I’ve had it with women. I can’t seem to find one who wants a relationship or who doesn’t cheat and/or hurt me. I’ve tried everything from being set up by friends to meeting women in bars to (blush) online dating and it’s always the same thing: We have a few good weeks and then the drama starts. I’m to the point where I’m considering dating men because of the psycho women in this world. What do you think?
I think you should date some men so that you’ll see that the problem has nothing to do with the gender of your dates.
Rather, the problem is you. You are doing something subconsciously to create the experiences that you’re having. You are repeatedly attracted to or are attracting women who hurt you because you hold a core belief that this is your fate. Consequently, instead of going into each new experience with fresh eyes and a modicum of hope, you are on the lookout for evidence confirming your belief system. We get what we focus on in life: When we focus on what we don’t want, that’s what we get. When we focus on what we want, we create the possibility of attracting what we want.
Your life is trying to teach you something and that something has nothing to do with other people – it has to do with you. But as long as you continue to look outside yourself for the solution, you’ll postpone your learning and perpetuate this moment. If you truly want change, challenge yourself to find new answers to the following questions: What mistake did I make in my last relationship? If I could do it again, how would I avoid making that mistake? Am I willing to contact my ex and take responsibility for my mistake?
Bottom line: The world isn’t filled with psychos. You are the common denominator among all of your exes, and you need to take a hard look in the mirror and stop blaming others for your relationship woes.
Dr. Darcy Smith is a Licensed Clinical Social Worker. Her practice, Alternatives Counseling, specializes in LGBT issues and is located in New York City. Dr. Darcy’s clinical style is very direct, goal-oriented and pragmatic. For years, the media has been drawn to her unique personality. She has provided expert commentary for networks including E! Entertainment and has worked with television producers throughout the nation. Her blog, AskDrDarcy.com, provides free advice to members of the LGBT community. Email questions to firstname.lastname@example.org or call 212-604-0144.
*This column is not a consultation with a mental health professional
and should in no way be construed as such or as a substitute for such
consultation. Anyone with issues or concerns should seek the advice of her own therapist or counselor.